Penguin Gets Promotion

Nils Olav received a promotion on Wednesday to Colonel in Chief of the Royal Norwegian Guard. Yes, this high rank in the Norwegian military has in fact been bestowed on a penguin.

In 1962 young lieutenant in the Royal Norwegian Guard Niels Egelien visited Edinburgh Zoo and was quite taken with the penguins. On a return visit in 1972, he arranged for his regiment to sponsor a king penguin which they adopted and awarded the rank of Lance Corporal. The name was chosen on behalf of the lieutenant who first got excited about the penguins and the then king of Norway, King Olav. Since then, every time the soldiers have come to visit, Nils Olav has received a promotion.

According to Scotland Today:

Major Nils Egelien from the Norwegian Royal Guard Association said: “Colonel in chief because all the reports speak about his very, very good behaviour, and the service in this garden.” … Nils Olav is now back in with the rest of the troops. It is not known when this elite fighting force will be deployed again, but when they are, it is fair to say that the best possible penguin is in charge.

Curiosidades

- Los repelentes de mosquitos no repelen. Te ocultan. El spray bloquea los sensores del mosquito, por lo tanto ellos no saben que estas ahí.

- Los dentistas recomiendan que el cepillo de dientes debe estar al menos 1.80 m. alejado del
inodoro para evitar las partículas en el aire resultante de tirar la cadena.

- El líquido dentro de los cocos aún verdes puede ser usado como sustituto del plasma de la sangre.

- Ningún pedazo de papel puede ser plegado a la mitad más de 7 veces. Inténtalo.

- Los burros matan más gente anualmente que los accidentes aéreos. Averigua.

- Quemas más calorías durmiendo que mirando la televisión.

- El roble no produce bellotas hasta que tiene 50 años o más.

- El rey (K) de corazones es el único rey sin bigotes.

- La distancia de alas del Boeing 747 Jumbo es más larga que el vuelo del primer avión de los
hermanos Wright.

- American Airlines ahorró $40,000 en 1987 eliminando 1 aceituna de las ensaladas servidas en
primera clase.

- Venus es el único planeta que gira en sentido horario.

- Las manzanas, no la cafeína, son más eficientes para despertarte en la mañana.

- La mayoría de las partículas de polvo en tu casa provienen de la piel muerta.

- El primer dueño de Marlboro murió de cáncer al pulmón.

- Michael Jordan gana más pasta con Nike que todos los obreros de Nike en Malasia juntos.

- Marilyn Monroe tenía 6 dedos en los pies.

- Todos los presidentes de EEUU usaron gafas. A algunos no les gustaba ser vistos en público con ellas.

- Walt Disney tenía miedo a los ratones

- Las perlas se disuelven en vinagre.

- Los 3 nombres de marcas más valiosas en la Tierra son: Marlboro, Coca-Cola y Budweiser,
en ese orden.

- Es posible hacer subir una vaca por las escaleras, pero no bajarla.

- El graznido (cuac) de un pato no produce eco, nadie sabe por qué.

- Richard Millhouse Nixon fue el 1er presidente de EEUU cuyo nombre contiene todas las letras
de la palabra "criminal". El segundo fue William Jefferson Clinton.

- Las tortugas pueden respirar a través de sus colas.

- Las mariposas sienten el gusto con los pies.

- En 10 minutos, un huracán lanza más energía que todas las armas nucleares juntas.

- En promedio, 100 personas mueren ahogados al año con bolígrafos.

- La gente le teme a las arañas más de lo que ellas matan.

- 90% de los taxistas de New York City son inmigrantes recién llegados.

- Los elefantes son los únicos animales que no pueden saltar.

- Sólo 1 persona en 2 mil millones vivirá más de 116 años.

- Las mujeres parpadean casi 2 veces más que los hombres.

- Es físicamente imposible lamerse el propio codo.

- La Librería Principal de la Universidad de Indiana se hunde más de 2 cm por año porque los
ingenieros olvidaron incluir el peso de los libros en sus calculos.

- Un caracol puede dormir por 3 años.

- Ninguna palabra rima con indio.

- Nuestros ojos tienen siempre el mismo tamaño desde el nacimiento, pero la nariz y las orejas
nunca paran de crecer.

- La silla eléctrica fue inventada por un dentista.

- Todos los osos polares son zurdos.

- En el Antiguo Egipto, los sacerdotes se arrancaban cada pelo de su cuerpo, incluso cejas y pestañas.

- El ojo del avestruz es más grande que su cerebro.

- "Ve," es la oración completa más corta que puede escribirse.

- Si Barbie fuera tamaño real, sus medidas serían 99-60-84. Mediría 2.15m. Su nombre completo es Barbara Millicent Roberts.

- El cocodrilo no puede sacar la lengua fuera.

- El encendedor se inventó antes que los fósforos.

- Los estadounidenses comen un promedio de 7.5 hectáreas de pizza por día.

- Casi todos los que leyeron este mail trataron de lamerse el codo.

Time for my prayers

Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the FBI off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

Robocop on security

Revealed: The seven great "medical myths"

LONDON (Reuters) - Reading in dim light won't damage your eyes, you don't need eight glasses of water a day to stay healthy and shaving your legs won't make the hair grow back faster.

These well-worn theories are among seven "medical myths" exposed in a paper published Friday in the British Medical Journal, which traditionally carries light-hearted features in its Christmas edition. Two U.S. researchers took seven common beliefs and searched the archives for evidence to support them.

Despite frequent mentions in the popular press of the need to drink eight glasses of water, they found no scientific basis for the claim.

The complete lack of evidence has been recorded in a study published the American Journal of Psychology, they said.

The other six "myths" are:

* Reading in dim light ruins your eyesight

The majority of eye experts believe it is unlikely to do any permanent damage, but it may make you squint, blink more and have trouble focusing, the researchers said.

* Shaving makes hair grow back faster or coarser

It has no effect on the thickness or rate of hair regrowth, studies say. But stubble lacks the finer taper of unshaven hair, giving the impression of coarseness.

* Eating turkey makes you drowsy

It does contain an amino acid called tryptophan that is involved in sleep and mood control. But turkey has no more of the acid than chicken or minced beef. Eating lots of food and drink at Christmas are probably the real cause of sleepiness.

* We use only 10 percent of our brains

This myth arose as early as 1907 but imaging shows no area of the brain is silent or completely inactive.

* Hair and fingernails continue to grow after death

This idea may stem from ghoulish novels. The researchers said the skin dries out and retracts after death, giving the appearance of longer hair or nails.

* Mobile phones are dangerous in hospitals

Despite widespread concerns, studies have found minimal interference with medical equipment.

The research was conducted by Aaron Carroll, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the Regenstrief Institute, Indianapolis, and Rachel Vreeman, fellow in children's health services research at Indiana University School of Medicine.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu is the king of all Japanese words. Having many meanings from Nice to meet you, please do this favour for me or please don’t kill me. It has incredible power. Especially when talking with Japanese colleagues.

For example, “Please could you fill out this form for me [deep breath] yoroshiku onegaishimasu.” A little switch goes on in their head. Their pupils contract and they have one purpose in life from that moment on. To fulfill your request as soon as they can before they die.

I’ve only tried it out with small requests - Could you find me some rubber bands? Please help me with the freak student in the fifth grade. It had instant results. But it needs testing with some more powerful requests:

I don’t have to come into work today do I yoroshiku onegaishimasu?

Give me ALL your money [deep breath] yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

Kill him NOW yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

Try it yourself. Find a Japanese and ask them a request. You don’t even have to know them. And take over the (Japanese) world.

Moar Black Jokes

I like my coffee the way I like my niggers.
Dead?
In the Field?
In jail?
Killing each other?
Stealing?
Covered in blood?
5$ a piece?
Stupid?
...
BLACK YOU FUCKING RACIST BASTARDS! I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK!

Black jokes

i like my women the way i like my coffee
Ground up and in the freezer?
full of your cream?
hawt?
What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?
quiet ?
: Colombian?
hot?
From McDonalds?
Black?
in a cup?
Spilt all over your lap?
cheap?
strong and black?/
i hate you all

Eye of newt? Not for the Olympics

BEIJING, Dec. 8 (Xinhua) -- Traditional Chinese herbal medicine will not be used to treat athletes during the Olympics in order to avoid doping problems, an official with the Beijing Organizing Committee of Olympic Games (BOCOG) said Saturday.

"It doesn't necessarily mean herbal medicine contains provocative substances. As other Olympic host countries haven't used it before, we choose not to use it too," said Dai Jianping, deputy director of the BOCOG's service department, at an international medical forum.

As a big international event, the Beijing Olympics will follow international medical service standards, Dai said.

However, non-drug traditional Chinese treatments, such as acupuncture, cupping and massage, will be used in the Games, he added.

He also said at the forum that a poly-clinic will be constructed inside the athlete's village, providing medical services for some 16,000 athletes from all over the world in 2008.

The 3,000-square-meter poly-clinic, which will finish construction by the end of April 2008, will ease the medical service pressure of hospitals which will still provide normal service to local people during the big event.

Boy Survives Moose Attack Thanks To World Of Warcraft

Hans Jørgen Olsen, a 12-year-old Norwegian boy, recently survived a moose attack by feigning death, "just like you learn at level 30 in World of Warcraft."

In WoW, "feign death" is a skill acquired by hunters at level 30 that allows them to take a page from the possum playbook, collapse to the ground, and convince their enemies -- who lose all ingrained animosity in the process -- that they've died.

According to Norwegian site Nettavisen , Hans and his sister apparently enraged one of the local moose (mooses? meese?) during a walk in the forest near their home. After shouting at the gigantic creature to ward it away from his sister, Olsen dropped to the ground, and presumably his lifebar plummeted to zero.

Moose have never been known as the wisest creature in the forest, and the boy's show of necrosis seems to have worked, as both he and his sister survived intact.

It's easy to decry video games as a menace to society but in a world where MMOs save adorable, tow-headed Norwegian children from a deadly moose, can they really be that bad?

NUEVE PALABRAS QUE LAS MUJERES UTILIZAN.....

1.) VALE : Esta es la palabra que las mujeres utilizan para finalizar una
discusión cuando han decidido que ellas tienen la razón y ahora debes
callarte.

2.) CINCO MINUTOS : Si se esta arreglando, significa MEDIA HORA. CINCO
MINUTOS son solo cinco minutos si te han concedido cinco minutos adicionales
para terminar de ver el partido antes de salir para ayudar con la compra.

3.) NADA : Es la calma antes de la tormenta. Significa ALGO. Y deberías
estar totalmente alerta. Discusiones que empiezan con NADA, normalmente
acaban con VALE (Ver punto 1).

4.) NO HAY PROBLEMA (también ADELANTE-HAZLO o NO-NO ME MOLESTA): Es un reto,
y para nada darte permiso. Ni se te ocurra hacerlo!

5.) GRAN SUSPIRO: En realidad, es una palabra pero habitualmente los
hombres no la entienden. Un suspiro alto y claro significa que ella piensa
que eres idiota y se pregunta por qué esta perdiendo el tiempo discutiendo
sobre NADA (Ver punto 3 para entender el significado de NADA).

6.) MUY BIEN: Esta es una de las frases mas peligrosas que una mujer puede
decir a un hombre. MUY BIEN significa que ella meditara cuidadosamente antes
de decidir cómo y cuándo pagarás por tu equivocación.

7.) GRACIAS : Una mujer te agradece algo. No preguntes. No dudes. Solo di DE
NADA.

8.) ES IGUAL (también TU MISMO): Es la forma femenina de mandarte a la
mierda.

9.) TRANQUILO, LO HE ENTENDIDO (también LO HE PILLADO): Otra frase peligrosa
donde las haya, que significa que aunque la mujer ha dicho al hombre en
repetidas ocasiones que haga algo, finalmente lo esta haciendo ella misma.
Esto más tarde empujará al hombre a preguntar 'QUE PASA?'
Para saber la respuesta de la mujer, ver punto 3.

You're a 90's kid if...

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You danced to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy.

You remember when super nintendo's became popular.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

"I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

Two words... Trapper Keeper.

You never got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and/or collected "Pogs"

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

Before the MySpace frenzy...

Before the Internet & text messaging...

Before Sidekicks & iPods...

Before MIKE JONES...

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...

...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

Tag.

Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.

Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.

Red Light, Green Light.

Heads Up 7 Up.

Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.

Hopskotch.

Slip-n-Slides.

Tree Houses.

Hula Hoops.

HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!

"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.

The annoying Giga Pets & Furbies.

Running through the sprinklers.

That "Little Mermaid"

Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.

Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.

Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.

Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"

CAPRI SUN

Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.

The original Power Rangers

Or what about:

Hey Arnold.

Rugrats.

The Secret World of Alex Mac.

Ren & Stimpy.

Double Dare.

Rocco's Modern Life.

AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.

Wild & Crazy Kids.

Clarissa Explains it All.

CAMP NOWHERE

Salute Your Shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The original cast members of All That.

Kenan & Kel.

"CITY GUYS"...ROLLW/ THE CITY GUYS

Doug.

Magic School Bus.

Nick Arcade.

Flash Forward.

The Adventures of Pete and Pete.

Legends of the Hidden Temple

Hey Dude.

Dinosaurs.

Alladin.

Mummies Alive

Pinky and the Brain

Sailor Moon.

Blossom.

Hangin with Mr. Cooper.

Martin

Beavis & Butt-Head

Wishbone.

Bill Nye the Science Guy

MR RODGERS!!!!

Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life, I Love Lucy and TGIF.

Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.

or Nick Jr. with Face

Gulah Gulah Island

Little Bear

Busy Town

Under the Umbrella Tree

PEE-WEE!!!

The Big Comfy Couch

Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.

Class field trips.

When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.

When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.

When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.

When Toys R Us overuled the mall.

Go back to the time when:

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'

'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly.'

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

Another Baby Sitter Club and Little Sister (Karen) book came out and you put your name on hold for it at the library.

When Aladdin was new, before the trilogy was complete.

Sockem Boppers

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

You thought Brain woud finally take over the world

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.

You remember when razor scooters were cool.

Linux == Pedos

REUTERS - A team of scientists at MIT have discovered a link between desktop operating system choice and several serious social and mental disorders. The team did a wide-ranging survey across three states of 20,000 males and 10,000 female users ages 18 to 25, drawn from users of three popular desktop operating systems; Microsoft Windows, Apple OS X and Linux. The volunteers were divided into groups according to their operating system and subjected to a series of tests meant to determine their individual IQs as well as cognitive, social and behavioral abnormalities.

The results of the testing showed that the group with the highest mean IQ by some margin was the Linux test group, averaging at 117, levels expected of good undergraduate students.The Windows and Apple groups averaged at 103 and 101 respectively, well within expected ranges. The Linux group showed highly elevated levels of several socio-cognitive disorders including several linked to pedophilia and violent outbursts, while the Apple group seemed to be the most socially adjusted. The Apple group were also determined to be more likely to be musicians or consider themselves artists and had a higher proportion of homosexuals, at 43%, than either the Windows or Linux groups, who were both closer to the expected average of 9%.

España es un bar

¿Alguna vez se han planteado cómo nace un pueblo?. Pues muy fácil.

Llega un tío a un desierto, pone un bar, y alrededor empiezan a

construir casas. ¡Por lo menos en España!.

La prueba es que en España hay pueblos sin escuela, sin ayuntamiento,

sin farmacia, sin cuartelillo...., pero sin bar...¡Ni de coña!. Claro

que, por lo menos, allí es donde te dan más cuartelillo.... ¿Y saben cuál

es el motivo?. Que en los bares podemos hacer muchísimas cosas no

podemos hacer en casa..

En un bar puedes tirar al suelo las cabezas de las gambas...

Tíralas en casa y verás la que se lía... en el bar tiras las cabezas de

las gambas y las tapan con serrín. ¿Qué se cae una cerveza?. ¡La tapan

con serrín! ¿Qué se cae un borracho?.¡Lo tapan con serrín!. ¡Será por

serrín!. Otra cosa no, pero en un bar hay más serrín que en la tumba de Pinocho.

Sin embargo, hay otras cosas que haces mejor en casa que en el bar: ¡mear!.

Para entrar en el baño del bar tienes que hacerlo con katiuskas.

Claro que, de vez en cuando, se pasa el dueño y echa en el suelo un

poquito de serrín.

Pero es que la taza también está guarra, porque nadie tira de la

cadena... Y estoy seguro de que si en un bar tiras de la cadena cae serrín.

El bar también sirve para quedar con los colegas. Porque mi casa

es tan pequeña que sólo cabemos tres (y sin el móvil), Y, claro ¿dónde vas

a quedar si no? ¿En una ferretería?. ¿En la farmacia? ¿Y que vas a pedir,

tres chupitos de Bisolvon y dos lexatines?. ¿O en la Iglesia?..Y eso..

que... pensándolo bien...una iglesia es lo más parecido a un bar...

Hay un señor detrás de una barra, vino, música, gente... y a veces hay

hostias...

Y los domingos, a la hora del aperitivo, los dos sitios se ponen hasta el culo.

Eso sí, en los bares hay más buen rollito que en la Iglesia...

Porque mientras que en la Iglesia pasa un tío con una panera para que

sueltes algo, en el bar discutes por pagar. ¿Dónde más pasa eso?. ¿En la

Comunidad de vecinos?. ¿Se imaginan que discutiéramos por invitar en la

Comunidad de Vecinos, por ejemplo?:

- ¡Chssst!. La parabólica la pago yo.

- Pero si tú ya pagaste la caldera...

- ¡Qué más da!... ¡Si no vamos a salir de pobres!.

Y otra cosa: tu casa ¿cómo se llama?. Pues "tu casa" o como mucho "4º-C".

¡Y anda que no hay "cuartos ces"!. En cambio, los bares tienen

nombres fascinantes_ El Barbi-túrico, el Bár-bara-Rey, la Tasca-breao.

Yo debo PELAS en todos, pero en donde más debo en el Bar-Clays Bank.

Eso sí, en un bar, lo más importante es el camarero. Los camareros

se pueden dividir básicamente en dos tipos: el camarero ÁGIL... y el

AGIL-apollado. El AGIL, según entras por la puerta, te limpia la mesa,te

acerca el servilletero, te pone una caña y te dice:

- Van dos cero, gana el Madrid, ha bajado el índice Dow Jones y el

político menos valorado es Mayor Oreja... ¿te pongo una de oreja?.

El AGIL-apollado se reconoce porque parece que esté saliendo de la anestesia: ni te oye, ni te ve. Tú le estás haciendo señas, como si

estuvieras aparcando un avión, pero el tío pasa por tu lado sin

mirarte, como un médico de la Seguridad Social. Que entras por la mañana,

y cuando por fin te hace caso...

- A ver. ¿qué va a ser?.

- ¿Que qué va a ser...? ¡Dentro de nada de noche, huevazos!.

Pero donde el bar alcanza la gloria es cuando hay partido. El bar

es el TEMPLO DEL FUTBOL. Antes había unos carteles en los que se leía:

"Estupendos berberechos", "Tenemos nécoras deliciosas". Ahora

no, ahora ponen: "HOY: DEPOR-REAL MADRID..." Y en todo el día no se habla

de otra cosa... Nada más entrar pides una caña y el camarero te dice:

"Morientes tiene osteopatía de pubis". Y ésa es la gran diferencia

entre el bar y tu casa: nunca se discute por el mando. En el bar no hay

zapping: Si hay partido, se ve el partido; si hay patinaje artístico, se

ve el partido; si hay "Informe Semanal", se ve el partido; y si hay peli

porno en el Plus... ¡Se graba el partido!.

Frosted Brains

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to
get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over
the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box,
then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling
a tiger.
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
cup of hot chocolate and then...", He sighed, ...
"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Santa Banned

Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET

SYDNEY (AFP) - Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.

"Gimme a break," said Julie Gale, who runs the campaign against sexualising children called Kids Free 2B Kids.

"We are talking about little kids who do not understand that "ho, ho, ho" has any other connotation and nor should they," she told the Telegraph.

"Leave Santa alone."

A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was "misleading" to say the company had banned Santa's traditional greeting and it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself.

Diplomacy

Top Ten Best-Selling Pre-Teen Halloween Costumes

10. "Sexy Malaysian Child Whore"
9. "Scary Ghost (Who Whores Herself Out On The Side)"
8. "Daddy's Little Money-Maker"
7. "Frankenstrumpet," an undead whore built from the body parts of other, lesser whores
6. "Natalie Portman In The Professional"
5. "Viking Queen Who Has Low Self-Esteem Due To Emotionally Distant Alcoholic Father And Who Moonlights As Stripper at 'Valhalla 69,' And Is Also A Part-Time Whore"
4. "Jailbait Orthodontist"
3. "Future Contestant In Huster's Beaver Hunt Feature (PS, Also a Whore)"
2. "Sexy Mermaid," with optional sash reading "Note: That Stupid Fish-Tail Only Begins Past My Genitals"

...and the Number One Bestselling Halloween Costume For Pre-Teen Girls...

1. Three-Way Tie: Sexy Fairy Princess, Sexy Kitten, and Sexy Sex-Whore

Subject: Shopping At Walmart

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

La Ciencia nos mata de risa

El inefable doctor Franz de Conpenhague nos dejó perlas como su sistema limpio para que los barbudos coman sopa, o su procedimiento para descargar mercancías con jirafa. Durante más de medio siglo, su ingenio dio para eso y mucho más en las página de los grandes inventos del TBO. A nadie se le ocurrió llevar a la práctica tamañas insensateces y patentarlas después. O sí. ¿También en este campo la realidad supera a la ficción? Veamos.

«Efectos secundarios de la ingestión de sables» (Medicina), «Extracción de esencia de vainilla de la bosta de vaca» (Química), «Cómo la viagra combate el "jet-lag" en los hamsters» (Aviación), «Censo de los ácaros que pueblan una cama» (Biología), «Modelo matemático para determinar las arrugas de las sábanas» (Física)... Estos son cinco de los diez premios Anti-Nobel que acaba de conceder, en su decimoséptima edición, la revista humorístico-científica «Annals of Improbable Research» (Anales de la investigación improbable), en una ceremonia celebrada en el teatro Sanders, de la Universidad de Harvard (Massachusetts). Estos Ig Nobel -léase «ignoble», innoble, anodino-, más que el efecto de cuatro copas mal digeridas, son el producto de años de licenciatura, doctorado e investigación que científicos de todo el mundo han desarrollado a golpe de horas de exprimirse el caletre.

No son una chaladura del profesor Bacterio financiada por la TIA. Nada más lejos de la realidad. El Ig Nobel de la Paz ha sido concedido al Laboratorio de la Fuerza Aérea de los Estados Unidos de Patterson Wright, en Dayton (Ohio), en reconocimiento a su proyecto de fabricar una «bomba gay» que, lanzada sobre las filas enemigas, provocara la homosexualidad masiva de sus soldados. Un arma química que despertó en 2005 el interés del Departamento de Defensa hasta el punto de financiar su desarrollo, aunque el proyecto fue paralizado. ¿Pensaron que no era una forma honorable de derrotar al enemigo, presa de frenesí amoroso?

No ha faltado la representación española en tan honrosos galardones. Investigadores catalanes -Josep Trobalon y Nuria Sebastián Gallés- han logrado el Ig Nobel de Lingüística por un estudio que demuestra que las ratas no distinguen entre el holandés y el japonés cuando escuchan grabaciones en estas lenguas pasadas al revés... En serio.

Con no ser mala, la cosecha de este año no iguala el nivel de investigaciones premiadas en ediciones anteriores: «Interrupción del hipo mediante un masaje rectal dactilar», «Estudio de las fuerzas producidas al arrastrar una oveja sobre distintas superficies», «Los arenques se comunican con pedos»...

S. BASCO

Unanswered Questions

1. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
   
2. If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a
   positive?
3. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

4. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

5. If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?

6. If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

7. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

8. The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?

9. Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?

10. Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

11. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

12. Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why is the word abbreviation so long?

16. If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled?

17. And if it is mispelled, how would we know?-AML

18. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

19. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

20. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

21. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

22. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

23. If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy

24. Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

25. If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

26. Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

27. "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

28. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

29. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

30. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

31. Can you get cornered in a round room?

32. Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

33. Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

34. Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

35. Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

36. Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?

37. If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

38. Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

39. Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

40. Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
    free?

41. If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

42. You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
    people that work nights?

43. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

44. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

45. How is it possible to have a civil war?

46. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

47. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

48. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

49. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

50. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

51. Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?--Ziggy

52. _{Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?}

53. _{Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?}

54. _{If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?}

55. _{If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"?}

56. _{Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?}

57. _{What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?}

58. _{Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?}

59. _{Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?}

60. _{Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?}

61. _{After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?}

62. _{If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?}

63. _{What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright}

64. _{If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?}

65. Why is it that when trasporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo?
66. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Lunar Eclipse

The moon is gone, no where to be found.
Tonight we rest, our brothers home bound.

The moon peeks its head through a starlit sky.
Tonight we move, to the lands above high

The moon shows itself with all it's glory
Tonight we create, weapons that are unholy

Our wickedness has caused the moon to be angered and color the sky scarlet
Tonight brothers, we honor him by making our enemies turn violet

The scarlet moon turns black and echoes the sounds of our wickedness.
Casting our enemies in darkness for the last of their liveliness.

Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

Rule #1 - Once you have their money, you never give it back.

Rule #2 - The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.

Rule #3 - Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.

Rule #4 - Time and Latinum are precious.

Rule #5 - Always exaggerate your estimate.

Rule #6 - Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.

Rule #7 - Keep your ears open.

Rule #8 - Small print leads to large risk.

Rule #9 - Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.

Rule #10 - Greed is eternal.

Rule #11 - Even if it's free, you can always buy it cheaper.

Rule #12 - Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.

Rule #13 - Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.

Rule #14 - Keep your family close; keep your Latinum closer.

Rule #15 - Dead men close no deals.

Rule #16 - A deal is a deal, until a better one comes along.

Rule #17 - A contract is a contract is a contract - but only between Ferengi.

Rule #18 - A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.

Rule #19 - Satisfaction is not guaranteed.

Rule #20 - He who dives under the table today, lives to profit tomorrow.

Rule #21 - Never place friendship before profit.

Rule #22 - A wise man can hear profit in the wind.

Rule #23 - Nothing is more important than health, except money.

Rule #24 - Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.

Rule #25 - You pay for it, it's your idea.

Rule #26 - As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.

Rule #27 - There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.

Rule #28 - Whisper your way to success.

Rule #29 - Always ask, "What's in it for me?"

Rule #30 - Talk is cheap, synthehol isn't.

Rule #31 - Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother.

Rule #32 - Be careful what you sell, it may do exactly what the customer expects.

Rule #33 - It never hurts to suck up to the boss.

Rule #34 - War is good for business.

Rule #35 - Peace is good for business.

Rule #36 - Neutrality is good for business.

Rule #37 - If it's free, take it and worry about hidden costs later.

Rule #38 - Everyone needs something.

Rule #39 - Friendship is temporary; profit is forever.

Rule #40 - She can touch your lobes, but never your Latinum.

Rule #41 - Profit is its own reward.

Rule #42 - What's mine is mine.

Rule #43 - What's yours can be mine.

Rule #44 - Never confuse wisdom with luck.

Rule #45 - Expand or Die.

Rule #46 - Make your shop easy to find.

Rule #47 - Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.

Rule #48 - The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

Rule #49 - Everything is worth something to somebody.

Rule #50 - Gratitude can bring on generosity.

Rule #51 - Reward anyone who adds to your profits so they will continue to do so.

Rule #52 - Never ask when you can take.

Rule #53 - Never trust anybody taller than you.

Rule #54 - Never trust a Ferengi with bigger lobes.

Rule #55 - Advertise.

Rule #56 - Be discreet.

Rule #57 - Good customers are as rare as Latinum; treasure them.

Rule #58 - There is no substitute for success.

Rule #59 - Free advice is seldom cheap.

Rule #60 - Keep your lies consistent.

Rule #61 - Never underestimate the power of bribery.

Rule #62 - The riskier the road, the greater the profit.

Rule #63 - Share only what isn't yours.

Rule #64 - You don't need a store front to set up shop.

Rule #65 - Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.

Rule #66 - Double the price, then sell it half off.

Rule #67 - Always inspect the merchandise.

Rule #68 - A little ear stroking goes a long way.

Rule #69 - Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.

Rule #70 - Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other Ferengi.

Rule #71 - Close the deal, and then answer questions.

Rule #72 - Never trust your customers.

Rule #73 - If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.

Rule #74 - Knowledge equals profit.

Rule #75 - Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum.

Rule #76 - Every once in a while, declare peace. "It confuses the hell out of your enemies".

Rule #77 - It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit.

Rule #78 - When the going gets tough, the tough change the rules.

Rule #79 - Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.

Rule #80 - Greed is known by many names.

Rule #81 - There's a difference between being a coward and running away.

Rule #82 - The flimsier the product, the higher the price.

Rule #83 - Even the wealth of the Nagus started with one slip of Latinum.

Rule #84 - A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.

Rule #85 - Never let the competition know what you're thinking.

Rule #86 - When the odds are against you never give up; just quit.

Rule #87 - A friend in need means three times the profit.

Rule #88 - It ain't over 'till it's over.

Rule #89 - Ask not what your profits can do for you, ask what you can do for your profits.

Rule #90 - The Divine Treasury awaits.

Rule #91 - Hear all, trust nothing.

Rule #92 - There are many paths to profit.

Rule #93 - Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.

Rule #94 - Females and finances don't mix.

Rule #95 - Prejudice only eliminates customers.

Rule #96 - For every rule, there is an equal and opposite rule (except when there's not.)

Rule #97 - Enough... is never enough.

Rule #98 - Every man has his price.

Rule #99 - Trust is the biggest liability of all.

Rule #100 - If they take your first offer, you either asked too little, or offered too much.

Rule #101 - The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.

Rule #102 - Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever.

Rule #103 - Sleep can interfere with negotiations.

Rule #104 - Faith moves mountains of inventory.

Rule #105 - Don't trust anyone who trusts you.

Rule #106 - There is no honor in poverty.

Rule #107 - A warranty is valid only if they can find you.

Rule #108 - Don't buy what you can't sell.

Rule #109 - Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.

Rule #110 - Playing dumb is often smart.

Rule #111 - Treat people in your debt like family, exploit them [ruthlessly].

Rule #112 - Never have sex with the boss' sister.

Rule #113 - Always have sex with the boss.

Rule #114 - The one in power defines morality.

Rule #115 - The best contract always has a lot of fine print.

Rule #116 - There's always a catch.

Rule #117 - Profit is the better part of valor.

Rule #118 - There is no profit in revenge.

Rule #119 - Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet, sometimes, good things come in small packages.

Rule #120 - Borrow on a handshake, lend in writing.

Rule #121 - Everything is for sale, including friendship.

Rule #122 - Do not forsake your profits and they will watch over you.

Rule #123 - Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum.

Rule #124 - Diligent hands bring wealth.

Rule #125 - You can't make a deal if you're dead.

Rule #126 - Count it.

Rule #127 - Stay neutral in conflict so that you can sell supplies to both sides.

Rule #128 - Secrets are commodities, sell them.

Rule #129 - The fear of poverty is the beginning of knowledge.

Rule #130 - Never pay for sentiment, always charge for it.

Rule #131 - Information is profit.

Rule #132 - Never take no from someone who wasn't authorized to give you yes.

Rule #133 - Only those ideas that lead to profit are good.

Rule #134 - One good turn requires another.

Rule #135 - Never trust a beneficiary.

Rule #136 - Seek profit first and everything else will follow.

Rule #137 - Everything is negotiable.

Rule #138 - Wealth brings satisfaction.

Rule #139 - Wives serve, brothers inherit.

Rule #140 - Better great treasure with trouble than peace with poverty.

Rule #141 - Only fools pay retail.

Rule #142 - There's no such thing as an unfair advantage.

Rule #143 - Risk is part of the game... play it for all it's worth.

Rule #144 - There's nothing wrong with charity...as long as it winds up in your pocket.

Rule #145 - A little and often fills your pockets.

Rule #146 - Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father.

Rule #147 - In all worthwhile labor there is profit.

Rule #148 - Wealth enables experience.

Rule #149 - Profit is encouragement to industry and enterprise.

Rule #150 - The way to become rich is to put all your Latinum in one sack, then watch the sack.

Rule #151 - The man is richest who's pleasures are cheapest.

Rule #152 - A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know.

Rule #153 - Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

Rule #152 - Work hard so you don't have to.

Rule #153 - When you have only 2 slips of Latinum left, buy bread with one, and bet the other.

Rule #154 - Pain passes, but profits remain.

Rule #155 - Power is 50% what you have and 50% what people think you have.

Rule #156 - Rainy days are good for business.

Rule #157 - Common sense is the collection of the customer's prejudices.

Rule #158 - The first principle of a rigid businessman is to always be flexible.

Rule #159 - There are no creeds in mathematics.

Rule #160 - Happiness is not mere possession of profit, but joy of acquisition.

Rule #161 - Beyond the mountains there are more mountains.

Rule #162 - Even in the worst of times, someone turns a profit.

Rule #163 - When a friend makes profit, you don't.

Rule #164 - Life does not guarantee equality of conditions, only of opportunity.

Rule #165 - Never let your sense of morals get in the way of opportunity.

Rule #166 - The success of any great transaction does not depend on odds.

Rule #167 - Earning is not only a duty it's a privilege.

Rule #168 - Whisper your way to success.

Rule #169 - Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.

Rule #170 - The hand that feeds could be bitten.

Rule #171 - Blood is thicker than water, and Latinum is thicker than both.

Rule #172 - Chances aren't what they used to be.

Rule #173 - Dream, plan, believe, act.

Rule #174 - If you can't buy it, find someone who can.

Rule #175 - Gratitude is expensive.

Rule #176 - The wind always favors the best navigator.

Rule #177 - Know your enemies... but do business with them always.

Rule #178 - Power, leisure, and liberty are all words for profit.

Rule #179 - Opportunity may bring profit, friendship rarely does.

Rule #180 - Never discuss an opportunity with someone wealthier than you.

Rule #181 - Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.

Rule #182 - The cost for profit is never too high.

Rule #183 - When it's a question of profit, everyone is of one belief.

Rule #184 - In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

Rule #185 - Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.

Rule #186 - There is no security, only opportunity.

Rule #187 - The philosophy of one is the common sense of another.

Rule #188 - A fool and his money are the best customer.

Rule #189 - Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.

Rule #190 - Hear all, trust nothing.

Rule #191 - A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.

Rule #192 - Never cheat a Klingon... unless you're sure you can get away with it.

Rule #193 - Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of desire.

Rule #194 - It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.

Rule #195 - You can't jump a 20 foot gorge in two 10 foot jumps.

Rule #196 - Listen to advice; then do what you want anyway.

Rule #197 - Pick battles big enough to matter, but small enough to win.

Rule #198 - You can't shake hands with a fist.

Rule #199 - The universe is not as difficult to comprehend as a Vulcan.

Rule #200 - A Ferengi chooses no side but his own.

Rule #201 - Wisdom consists of the anticipation of costs and consequences.

Rule #202 - The justification of profit is profit.

Rule #203 - New customers are like razor-backed Gree-worms... They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back!

Rule #204 - It takes a Ferengi to cheat a Ferengi.

Rule #205 - Trust can be expensive.

Rule #206 - Distrust can be expensive.

Rule #207 - Sense without education is better than education without sense.

Rule #208 - Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question, is an answer.

Rule #209 - To many lobes spoil the deal.

Rule #210 - Always be smarter than the people you hire.

Rule #211 - Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success... don't hesitate to step on them.

Rule #212 - You're and your Latinum are all you've got.

Rule #213 - Those who concede to sell for less understand the value of business.

Rule #214 - Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.

Rule #215 - Profit may not bring happiness, but there is no happiness without profit.

Rule #216 - Never gamble with an empath.

Rule #217 - You can't free a fish from water.

Rule #218 - Always know what you're buying.

Rule #219 - Possession is 11/10 of the law.

Rule #220 - Listen what they say while watching what they do.

Rule #221 - Computers can only give you the answers.

Rule #222 - The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be believed.

Rule #223 - Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.

Rule #224 - Listen to your lobes.

Rule #225 - Always follow one step ahead.

Rule #226 - Learn the language; translators malfunction.

Rule #227 - Emulation with profit is better than innovation with none.

Rule #228 - Bid high and bid often.

Rule #229 - Latinum lasts longer than lust.

Rule #230 - If they're smarter than you, make them a lesser partner.

Rule #231 - There's a customer born every minute; be sure you're the first to find each one.

Rule #232 - Deal only with select clientele. (Those who are rich and not so bright.)

Rule #233 - Latinum doesn't grow on trees.

Rule #234 - There's nothing wrong with a good delusion.

Rule #235 - Duck; death is tall.

Rule #236 - You can't buy fate.

Rule #237 - It's good to want things, especially things you can't have.

Rule #238 - How I handle my business is none of yours.

Rule #239 - Never be afraid to mislabel a product.

Rule #240 - Do it yourself and keep it yourself.

Rule #241 - Never trust a hardworking employee.

Rule #242 - More is good... all is better.

Rule #243 - The more good will you can generate, the longer your customers stay.

Rule #244 - Because something's priceless doesn't mean it's not worthless.

Rule #245 - Benevolence is 50/50.

Rule #246 - Innocence is expensive.

Rule #247 - Don't negotiate with the underlings.

Rule #248 - Profit is in the details.

Rule #249 - Once it's sold stop selling.

Rule #250 - Precious things are for those that can prize them.

Rule #251 - Don't miss the opportunity by grabbing at the shadow.

Rule #252 - Little steps may prove great profit.

Rule #253 - Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse.

Rule #254 - Better a fat slave than to starve free.

Rule #255 - A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant, a necessity.

Rule #256 - Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.

Rule #257 - Despise the things you cannot have.

Rule #258 - A slip in the hand is better than a bar in sight.

Rule #259 - Wealth not yours might well as not exist.

Rule #260 - Life's not fair. How else would you turn a profit?

Rule #261 - A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.

Rule #262 - A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Rule #263 - Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for Latinum.

Rule #264 - Distrust interested advice.

Rule #265 - The customer is always right... until you get their Latinum.

Rule #266 - When in doubt, lie.

Rule #267 - If you believe it, they believe it.

Rule #268 - Hold on to what you have, but plan for future luck.

Rule #269 - Trying to please an enemy makes you the loser everytime.

Rule #270 - In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator.

Rule #271 - What we want is not always the most profitable.

Rule #272 - Think twice before leaping once.

Rule #273 - Don't waste your breath arguing with a Klingon; save it for the running you may have to do.

Rule #274 - Consider your next transaction while counting your Latinum.

Rule #275 - Foolish investment based on foolish advice is still foolish investment.

Rule #276 - Overbooking is standard practice.

Rule #277 - Anything worth fighting for is worth hiding from.

Rule #278 - Appearances are deceptive. Dress above yourself.

Rule #279 - Necessity knows no price.

Rule #280 - If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Rule #281 - Greed cannot overreach itself.

Rule #282 - The value of something is not in its use, but in its price.

Rule #283 - An individual is smart, a group is not.

Rule #284 - Deep down, everyone's a Ferengi.

Rule #285 - No good deed ever goes unpunished.

The Unwritten Rule - When no appropriate rule applies, make one up!|

Simpsons and Gun Control

Homer is looking at the guns. He picks up an unloaded handgun, points it at the clerk, and pulls the trigger several times.
CLERK: Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley.
HOMER: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun.
The clerk takes the gun, then holds up several items in succession.
CLERK: Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster...
HOMER: Oh, yeah.
CLERK: Bandoleer.
HOMER: Baby.
CLERK: Silencer.
HOMER: Mm-hmm.
CLERK: Loudener.
HOMER: Oh...
CLERK: Speed-cocker.
HOMER: Ooh, I like the sound of that!
CLERK: (holding up a huge weapon) And this is for shooting down police helicopters.
HOMER: Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet

Un examen de música

Enviado por un profesor de la ESO, es un examen de verdad:
Entre tanto, y para solaz regocijo de la audencia, paso a adjuntaros transcripción literal del examen de música de un alumno que no tiene desperdicio (la transcripción). He respetado la ortografía en su forma original, espero que seáis capaces de entenderlo. Aunque penséis que es un invento, os aseguro que nadie tiene tanta imaginación para idear esto, y tengo la copia del original del examen que da fe de todo lo que aquí se relata:
Pregunta 1: La orquesta: definición, esquema de distribución de los instrumentos y criterio de colocación de estos instrumentos.
Respuesta: La orquesta es cuando se guntan mucha gente que toca, y toca la musica. Los instrumentos se colocan unos delante y otros detras y eso depende del tamaqo, por ejemplo la gaita se coloca siempre delante.
Pregunta 2: Características generales de la música barroca.
Respuesta: Creo que ay un despiste en la pregunta, me parece que es la musica marroca. Voy a contestar esto. La musica marroca es la de los moros de Marruecos que es muy importante porque la tocaban los moros cuando ivan a las batallas de conquista.
Pregunta 3: Beethoven.
Respuesta: Este era un señor sordo que compuso la letra de Miguel Rios o sea el Hino de la Alegria. Pero cuando la izo no era de rocks. Daba muchos conciertos en la epoca de Franco y hizo tambien "Para Luisa" que no tiene paranjon en la historia de la musica.
Pregunta 4: Vocabulario musical. Define...
- baritono: es el que lleba la barita o sea el que dirije a los otros
- tenor: es un cantante como Placido Domingo
- soprano: esto no lo se
- villancico: es lo que se canta en Navidad cerca del arbol
- sinfonia: es lo que tocan las orquestas
- movimiento adagio: eso no lo trae mi libro
- movimiento allegro: que lo cantan los musicos cuando osea estan contentos
Pregunta 5: Brevemente comenta las características musicales de tu grupo/cantante/compositor favorito.
Respuesta: Ami me gusta mucho toda la musica tanto asi la vieja y la de haora. ejemplo: de la vieja Carminha Furada, Maller y Faya que era español, de los nuevos me gusta Mecano, Siniestro Total, Los Burros, Allatola no me toques la pirola (con perdon) y otros muchos en jeneral. Fin.
Nota: FUE A PROTESTAR PORQUE LE SUSPENDIERON.

Como comportarse en un funeral

La gente que te rodea tiene una curiosa tendencia a morirse cuando nadie se lo espera. Deberías tomarte en serio lo de asistir a sus entierros para conocer a sus familias y poder prolongar tus venganzas a costa de sus descendientes, aparte de que necesitaras saber donde esta la tumba para poder practicar tus brujerías.

Pero durante la ceremonia has de mantener una actitud discreta que aleje de ti todas las sospechas; estas son unas breves indicaciones sobre como mostrar tu respeto para con el difunto:

1) Antes de salir de tu casa, espárcete un poco de engrudo por encima de tus brazos. En mitad de la capilla ardiente, empieza a arrancarte los pellejos de pegamento y ponte a gritar histéricamente "¡¡ES CONTAGIOSO!!".

2) Aparece disfrazado de payaso. Cada vez que la viuda se limpie las narices, toca la trompeta.

3) Pregúntale al cura si te puedes quedar con el cuerpo para hacer practicas de tatuaje. Dile que ayudan a conservar el cadáver. Sobórnale para que finja reírse al hablar bien del muerto durante el funeral.

4) Charla con la gente; diles que ya has visto el testamento y que ellos no están incluidos porque le caían mal al fallecido. Di que tienes que irte pronto, y que si pueden leer ya la ultima voluntad.

5) Asegura que te debía dinero; organiza una colecta para pagar sus deudas de juego, y tráete una modelo en bikini para que recoja los cheques. Di que eres un inspector de hacienda y que procedes a desahuciarle de su tumba para pagar impuestos atrasados.

6) Di que se te ha ciado una lentilla dentro del ataúd y ponte a buscarla. Pégale un puñetazo al cadáver y di que empezó el.

7) Pon una mierda de perro encima del féretro; cuando la gente te diga algo, llámales imbéciles por no darse cuenta de que es de plástico. Si alguien la coge y descubre que no es de plástico, ríete de el.

8) Usa la lengua del muerto para pegar un sello en una carta. Déjale en la boca una manzana o unos dientes postizos de vampiro.

9) Tira un puñado de arroz encima del difunto y grita "¡GUSANOS! ¡GUSANOS!". Desmáyate encima de las velas.

10) Tírate un pedo y quéjate en voz alta del mal olor del cadáver.

11) Cuenta historias de fantasmas mientras repartes entre los asistentes unos folletos titulados "Guía de Introducción al Uso Ritual Satánico para Niños".

12) Vas al entierro con un buitre sobre tu hombro; di que es tu mascota. Esparce insecticida sobre el cadáver y di que es para que no se lo coman las moscas.

13) Dile al enterrador que tu perro se ha muerto, y pregúntale si lo puedes meter dentro del ataúd. Pregúntale cuanto tiempo tardan en pudrirse las encías de los dientes de oro.

14) En mitad del entierro, levanta la mano y di que tienes que hacer pis. Mea encima de las flores de la tumba de al lado, pretendiendo regarlas y preguntándote en voz alta como fue la ultima evacuación del difunto.

15) Si ves a algún jardinero, pregúntale por los detalles del abonado del césped. Sugiérele que instale una fuente para que la gente beba.

16) Cuando la viuda tire el primer puñado de tierra, empújala dentro de la tumba; luego sigue echándole tierra a ella, como si fuera un juego. Ríete. Usa una pala con el resto de los espectadores para animarles.

17) Dile al viudo/a que tu eras el amante de su cónyuge, y que su ultimo deseo fue que hicieras el amor con el/ella. Pregúntale si le han enterrado con "las prótesis".

Pero recuerda: Ante todo comportate con respeto en el funeral.

Mandamientos del vago

1. Se nace cansado y se vive para descansar
2. Ama tu cama como a ti mismo.
3. Descansa de día para dormir de noche.
4. Si ves a alguien descansando, ¡¡ayúdale!!
5. El trabajo es cansancio.
6. No hagas hoy lo que puedas hacer mañana.
7. Haz los menos que puedas y lo que debas hacer, deja que lo hagan otros.
8. De mucho descansar nadie murió jamás.
9. Cuanto te asalten deseos de trabajar, siéntate y espera a que se te pase.
10. Si el trabajo es salud, ¡viva la enfermedad!

Un grave complejo sexual

Un psiquiatra, para encontrar la raíz del problema de un paciente dibuja una línea vertical y le dice:

"¿Qué le sugiere?"

"Una mujer desnuda."

Cruza la línea con una horizontal:

"¿Y ahora?"

"Una mujer desnuda agachada."

Borra las dos líneas y dibuja una horizontal:

"¿Y esto, qué le sugiere?"

"Una mujer desnuda acostada."

"La verdad es que usted sufre un grave complejo sexual."

"¿YO?, ¡ES USTED QUIEN HA PINTADO ESAS GUARRADAS!"

Por qué es mejor la cerveza que las mujeres

1. Puedes disfrutar de la cerveza todo el mes.
2. Las manchas de cerveza se van.
3. No tienes por qué agasajar a la cerveza.
4. La cerveza te esperará siempre pacientemente en el coche.
5. Cuando la cerveza se pone plana la sacudes.
6. La cerveza nunca llega tarde.
7. Las resacas se marchan.
8. La cerveza no se pone celosa cuando coges otra cerveza.
9. Las anillas de la cerveza salen sin resistencia.
10. Cuando entras en un bar, siempre puedes conseguir una cerveza.
11. La cerveza nunca tiene dolor de cabeza.
12. Cuando has acabado con una cerveza, la botella todavía vale 5 duros.
13. La cerveza no se molesta si vuelves a casa con aliento a cerveza.
14. Puedes tomar más de una cerveza en una noche sin sentirte culpable.
15. La cerveza siempre pasa con facilidad.
16. Puedes compartir una cerveza con los amigos.
17. Siempre puedes tener la certeza de que eres el primero en descorchar una cerveza.
18. La cerveza no exige igualdad.
19. A una cerveza no le importa cuando vuelves.
20. Puedes tomar una cerveza en público.
21. Una cerveza frígida es una buena cerveza.
22. La cerveza siempre viene en múltiplos de seis.
23. Después de haber tomado una cerveza no tienes más que tirar la botella vacía.
24. Una cerveza nunca te cuesta más de quinientas pesetas y nunca te deja sediento.
25. Cuando tu cerveza se ha ido, simplemente descorchas otra.
26. La cerveza tiene el mismo aspecto a la mañana siguiente.
27. La cerveza no se preocupa por si llega alguien.
28. La cerveza no se preocupa por si se despiertan los niños.
29. La cerveza no tiene madre.
30. La cerveza no tiene moral.
31. La cerveza no se pone histérica una vez al mes.
32. La cerveza siempre escucha y nunca discute.
33. La cerveza no tiene los pies/manos/ fríos/as.
34. La cerveza nunca se pasa de su peso.
35. Si cambias de cerveza no tienes que pasar una manutención.
36. La cerveza no se escapará con tus tarjetas de crédito.
37. La cerveza no tiene un abogado.
38. La cerveza no puede pasarte un herpes o cosas desagradables.
39. La cerveza no critica tu modo de conducir.
40. La cerveza nunca cambia de opinión.
41. La cerveza nunca te cabrea o juega sucio para conseguir algo.
42. La cerveza nunca te pide que cambies de canal.
43. La cerveza no te pide que vayas de compras.
44. La cerveza es siempre fácil de obtener.
45. La cerveza nunca dice no.
46. La cerveza no se queja si la tomas en cualquier parte.
47. La cerveza no necesita ir 'a empolvarse' con otras cervezas.
48. A la cerveza no le molesta ensuciarse.
49. La cerveza no se queja de tu insensibilidad.
50. La cerveza no vive con su madre.
51. La cerveza nunca se desfoga contigo.
52. A la cerveza no le preocupa que no tengas cultura ni maneras.
53. La cerveza no se queja, ni grita, ni llora.
54. A la cerveza no le importa que sea la temporada futbolística.
55. La cerveza no te hará ir a la iglesia.
56. Es más probable que una cerveza sepa deletrear 'carburador', que una mujer.
57. Una cerveza no piensa que el baloncesto es estúpido porque los jugadores escupen.
58. Una cerveza no piensa que DOS sea un número.
59. A una cerveza le importa un comino si tienes un montón de cervezas.
60. Una cerveza no piensa que los odiosos anuncios con niños son 'monos'.
61. Si una cerveza se derrama por el suelo, durante unos instantes huele bastante bien.
62. Una cerveza no te llamará cerdo machista si dices 'doberman' en lugar de 'doberpersonal'.
63. Una cerveza no conseguirá trabajo como disk-jockey y pondrá 5 horas seguidas de música folk lesbiana en tu emisora favorita.
64. Una cerveza no te armara un escándalo por una pequeñez como que levantes la tapa del water.
65. Una cerveza no fumará en tu coche.
66. Una cerveza te ayudará, de hecho, en el eructo y la pedorrera, y compartirá tu entusiasmo por que sean incluidos como deportes de exhibición en los juegos olímpicos de Australia 2000.
67. Una cerveza está siempre dispuesta a marcharse a tiempo.
68. Una cerveza nunca busca piropos.
69. La cerveza sabe bien.
70. Si sacas una cerveza de la nevera para echarle una ojeada, pero en ese momento decides bebértela, la cerveza no te acusar de violación.
71. Una cerveza no te hará comprar tampones cuando vayas a la tienda.
72. Una cerveza no te acusará de mentir cuando digas que lees el Penthouse 'sólo por los artículos' (estás mintiendo, pero una cerveza no te acusará de ello.)
73. Una cerveza nunca te hará ir a ver una película sueca.
74. Una cerveza no te acusará de cerdo machista si dices 'Gene Hackman' en lugar de 'Gene Hackpersona'.
75. Una cerveza no te hará probar comida vegetariana que sabe como aceite de ricino.
76. Cuando has acabado con una cerveza, la idea de otra cerveza no te enferma.

Las cuatro funciones y la mujer

La mujer es el único "elemento matemático" que cumple con las cuatro funciones básicas que son:

1. Suma gastos.

2. Resta alegrías.

3. Multiplica los problemas.

4. Divide las opiniones.

Racism