Sobrino Dormilon

La semejanza es sorprendente, verdad?

The Doctor's Office

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Hay que lavalo

Intérprete: La Charanga del Tio Honorio.


He he he he,
Arráscate Serafín,arráscate tú
al lio.
¿Qué se puede hacer con el cerdo del tio Honorio?
hay que engordarlo,hay que jalarlo,
¿Qué se puede hacer con la enagua de la Encacia?
Hay que golerla,hay que lavarla,hay que secarla,hay que plancharla.
¿Qué se puede hacer con el vino la taberna?
Hay que beberlo,hay que orinarlo.
¿Qué se puede hacer con el piojo de la Loles?
Hay que lavarlo,hay que peinarlo,hay que rasparlo,
y hay que domesticarlo.
¿Qué se puede hacer con la boina el tio Genaro?
hay que caparla y desinfectarla.
¿Qué se puede hacer con los chorizos del alcalde?
Hay que cocerlos,hay que cortalos,hay que pelarlos,hay que comerlos.
¿Qué se puede hacer con la hija el boticario?
¿Qué se puede hacer con el guardia el cementerio?
Hay que asustarlo,hay que amedrentarlo.
¿Qué se puede hacer con la banda de éste pueblo?
Hay que tirititi,hay que tralarala,hay que chunda-chunda,hay que soportarla.
¿Qué se puede hacer con las mozas casaderas?
Hay que ligarlas,hay que tocarlas.
¿Qué se puede hacer con el tonto de este pueblo?
Hay que engañarlo,hay que brearlo,hay que correrlo,hay que querelo.
ay ay ay ayayayay.

Es menester ponerlo otra vez,
que no,que hay que lavalo y ponelo.

Fun Puns

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

A Blind Man's Blonde Joke

A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

The Spanish Inquisition

by Monty Python

---

In the early years of the 16th century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film. This was the Spanish Inquisition...

---

Chapman: Trouble at mill.
Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Cleveland: Pardon?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying.
Chapman: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean?
Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang]

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

[The Inquisition exits]

Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
[To Cardinal Biggles] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...

[Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again]

Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals enter]

Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough.
[To Cleveland] Now, how do you plead?
Clevelnd: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

[Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]

Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

[Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

Ximinez:Right! How do you plead?
Clevelnd: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.

[Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]

Biggles: I....
Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde]

Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

[Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]

Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?

[Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]

Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!

---

Main Entry:	1treadle
Pronunciation:	'tre-d&l
Function:	noun
Etymology:	Middle English tredel step of a stair, from Old English, from tredan
Date:	15th century
Meaning:	a swiveling or lever device pressed by the foot to drive a machine

Spell Checking

Eye halve a spelling chequer.
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue,
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word,
And weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye can put the error rite,
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no,
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.

She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset.

“You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You’d better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly… “I’ll explain the dildo if you explain the kids!”

Calypso

To sail on a dream on a crystal clear ocean
To ride on the crest of a wild raging storm
To work in the service of life and the living
In search of the answers to questions unknown
To be part of the movement and part of the growing
Part of beginning to understand

Aye, calypso, the places you've been to
The things that you've shown us
The stories you tell
Aye, calypso, I sing to your spirit
The men who have served you
So long and so well

Like the dolphin who guides you
You bring us beside you
To light up the darkness and show us the way
For though we are strangers in your silent world
To live on the land we must learn from the sea
To be true as the tide
And free as the wind-swell
Joyful and loving in letting it be

Aye, calypso, the places you've been to
The things that you've shown us
The stories you tell
Aye, calypso, I sing to your spirit
The men who have served you
So long and so well

Aye, calypso, the places you've been to
The things that you've shown us
The stories you tell
Aye, calypso, I sing to your spirit
The men who have served you
So long and so well

Stupid & Dumb Famous Quotes

1. “What’s Wal-Mart? Do they, like, make walls there?” – Paris Hilton

2. “Smoking kills. And if you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields

3. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death stuff.” – Mariah Carey

4. “I’ve never wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” – Britney Spears

5. “I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.” – Jessica Simpson

6. “I get to go to lots of overseas places like Canada.” – Britney Spears

7. “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” – Tara Reid

8. “I think the Clueless movie was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think the lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” – Alicia Silverstone

9. “It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.” – Linda Evangelista

10. (Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?) Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we did live forever, then we would live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” – Heather Whitestone, Miss Alabama

11. “Is this chicken that I have or is it fish? I know it’s tuna but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea’.” – Jessica Simpson

12. “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” – Christina Aguilera

13. “When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crack head with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes.” – Nicole Richie

14. “Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.” – Ivana Trump

15. “I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our 52 states.” – Unattributed

Weird Questions in A Library

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

* “Do you have books here?”

* “Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”

* “Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”

* “I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through Grand Rapids.’” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)

* “Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?” (Actual title:”Satanic Verses”)

* “Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!

* “I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?”

* “Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”

* “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”

* “Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”

* “I need a color photograph of George Washington (Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.)”

* “I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”

* “I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”

* “Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”

* “I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”

* “Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

* “I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months..”

Military Warnings

“Aim towards the Enemy.”
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
- U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
- Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
- Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
- U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
- Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.”
- U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
- Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
- Col. David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.”
- Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
- Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”
- Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
- Unknown Army Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
– U.S.A. Ammo

You and Your Boss

1 When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
2 When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
3 When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
4 When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
5 When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
7 When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
8 When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
9 When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

Chistes de ciencias

-¿Por qué dos químicos siempre serán incapaces de ganar una carrera por parejas?
-Porque en cuanto hagan un spin correrán en direcciones opuestas.

-¿Qué dijó la primera persona que intentó levantar un bloque de osmio?
-¡Oh di-osmio, cómo pesa!

-¿Qué está más lejos, Plutón o América?
-Hombre, según la Tabla Periódica pues América porque en el orden de los actínidos vemos Uranio, Nectunio, Plutonio, Americio,...

-¿Cuál es la marca de sujetador más utilizada por las mujeres que trabajan en laboratorios?
-Won-der Brals

-¿Colmo de un químico?
-Que no suele pillar las bromas si no hay bromo de por medio.

-¿Qué le dice un alqueno a un alquino?
-¿¡Al-queno te alquenas!?
-¿Y el alquino al alqueno?
-¿Te alquino un enlace extra?
-¿Qué hay en el infierno de los químicos?
-Diamonios

-¿Por qué estaba deprimido el Kitasato?
-Porque en su interior tenia un enorme vacío.

En el laboratorio alguien se ha bebido una solución ácida:
-A ver, ¿quién ha sido tan idiota de beberse el ácido? ¿Has sido tu Pedrito?
-No, há-cido Jorgito ceñó.

-¿Qué le dice un superconductor a otro superconductor?
-¡Qué frio hace, ya no resisto más!

-¿Qué es una muela en un vaso de agua?
-Una solución 1 molar.

-¿Colmo de un químico?
-Colmo 1: Estar todo el día rodeado de botellas y no poder beber de ninguna.
-Colmo 2: Tener una hija sosa y otra putasa.

-¿Qué ruido hace un electrón al caer al suelo?
-¡Plank!
-¿Y cuando eructa?
-Booooor

-¿Cuál era la mujer que tenia el mejor físico del mundo?
-La mujer de Einstein.

-¿Por qué los osos blancos no pueden bañarse en agua?
-Porque en agua se disuelven ya que son polares.

Esto son dos atómos que se encuentran por la calle:
-Hola, uy, te veo triste...
-Sí, esque he perdido un electron.
-¿Estás seguro?
-¿¡Sí, no ves que estoy positivo!?

Van un biologo, un físico, un estadístico y un matemático en un tren por Escocia cuando ven una oveja negra:
-Biologo: Ah, así que las ovejas en Escocia son negras.
-Físico: No, sabemos que en escocia hay ovejas negras.
-Estadístico: No, lo que sabemos es que en escocia hay almenos una oveja negra.
-Matemático: No, lo que sabemos es que en Escocia hay almenos una oveja con un lado negro.

Van un químico, un físico y un informático en un mismo coche cuando este se para en una subida:
-Químico: Ya lo he dicho yo, este coche necesita un combustible más potente.
-Físico: Es por la pendiente de la subida, hay que salir a empujar.
-Informático: ¿Y por qué no probamos a salir del coche y volvemos a entrar?

-¿Qué es un niño complejo?
-Un niño con una madre real y un padre imaginario.

Una fiesta de números:
-Ey "e", ¿por qué estás tan sola? ¿Te integras?
-Para qué, si me voy a quedar igual.

-¿Por qué son tan peligrosas las derivadas?
-Porque desintegran.

-¿No es extraño que las bacterias se multipliquen dividiendose?

-A ver, alguno de vosotros me puede indicar alguna sustancia que pase directamente del estado sólido al gaseoso sin pasar por el estado líquido? - pregunta un profesor.
-Esto... ¿Las judías? - responde un alumno.

-¿Por qué los atómos no tienen pelos?
-Porque entre ellos se repelan.

Terrific Thursday

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir …..can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line……It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it” He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her … being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”