To The Citizens Of The United States Of America

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminum”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ”-ize”.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies.We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).

14 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…..it’s Nuclear as in “clear” NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

Waist-shake

From "I Can Only Love You For One Day":
"If you're wondering why I would hesistate to give him my email, well, exactly what I feared would happen did - the first few weeks, the only mails I recieved from him were either "Penis!!!" (in katakana English of course, so "Penisu!!!") or "Waist-shake!!!" "Waist-shake" being the word they invented for sexual intercourse. I'll have to explain that one some other time."

The Story:

One day I visited the soccer club at the Ghetto School. Actually, no, come to think of it, I was walking around, and they stopped me. First, they asked me what "waist" was in English. I told them. They then asked me what "shake" was, so I told them that as well. They then combined it into "waist-shake!" and started thrusting their crotches forward to simulate sexual intercourse.

....Um....no. Granted, we have a lot of words for the bump 'n grind, knockin da boots, the horizontal tango (etc...) but "waist-shake" is most definitely not one of them.

(For the record, my favorite phrase is "hitting it".)

I told them we didn't say that in English, but this actually seemed to work better for them, as they were thrilled that they'd just come up with a new English word for sexual intercourse.

They then started asking me about Harry Potter (the latest movie had just come out in Japan at that time). "Hermione's pretty cute" they said, winking at me and giving me the 'ol "Eh? Eh?" elbow nudge. I said she was cute...for a fourteen year old. But to me she was just a kid, nothing more. "Yeah," they said, "but she's just the right age for us!" Along with more of the winking and nudging. "Waist-shake?" I innocently and stupidly asked. This absolutely set them OFF, as they started pelvic-thrusting their way across the soccer field. I figured this was the best time to make my escape before any more damage was done.

Unfortunately, it became a fad or sorts for a while. The boys could say "waist-shake!" and nobody, Japanese or English speaker, knew what they were talking about. I'd see them sitting together in groups, and pointing at different girls and saying "Waist-shake? Oh yes, yes! Yes, waist-shake!" One day I was in class with the big-headed boyfriend teacher. She was going around asking students some simple questions. She came to one of the soccer boys. "What do you do afterschool?" She asks. The boy stands up and exclaims "waist-shake!" while doing the pelvic thrust. She, of course, had no idea what this meant, but in her curiousity, she looked at me, and while imitating the pelvic thrust motion, asked "waist-shake"?

...I honestly don't know how long it took the soccer boys in that class to stop laughing. They may actually still be laughing about it now.

The teacher really wanted to know what was so funny, and I just didn't have the heart to tell her she'd just unknowingly propositioned me for sex.

Luckily, the "waist-shake" craze has died down, but if it ever pops up in the urban dictionary or Wikipedia, we'll know who to blame. ...Not me.

Dangerous Hacker!, The Bitchchecker Story

Never guessed this would have gotten this amount of traffic. This is the story about a hacker who had little problems... Original from the german site http://www.stophiphop.de/, story can be found here: http://www.stophiphop.de/modules/news/arti...php?storyid=184, please include this link if you repost this anywhere (site might be down, quite a lot of people are reading this). I, Cochrane, did not write this. I only translated it. Some people seem to get that wrong, it was Elch from www.stophiphop.de who first published this log.

In case you don't speak german (just as this hacker), I've tried a little translation to english. I might have made some spelling errors, but the original spelling wasn't perfect either. The guy really said "buy buy" in the german version. I've posted this on the forum on http://www.desertcombat.com before, so if this looks familiar, might be the same. I've corrected some mistakes and put the < > back to the right version (The DC forum does not support them). All censoring was done by this particular forum here.
Notice that in germany we get DST earlier than in the US.

The story starts (I'm shortcutting here) with an [Please control your cussing] insulting everyone on the IRC channel. Most people there believed it was rather funny. To quote him: "we [Please control your cussing] satanists victims winos like you in the ass every day" (this did not make sense in german, either. The translator). But it got even more funny.

For information: The dangerous hacker is called bitchchecker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch. 127.0.0.1 is always the IP-adress of the computer you're currently using, any request there will return to your computer.

QUOTE
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
why do you kick me
can't you discus normally
answer!
we didn't kick you
you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
what ping man
the timing of my pc is right
i even have dst
you banned me
amit it you son of a bitch
LOL
shit you're stupid, DST^^
shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
for two weaks already
when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
You're a real computer expert
shut up i hack you
ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
tell me your network number man then you're dead
Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
or maybe 127.0.0.1
yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
Now I'm frightened
shut up you'll be gone
i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
say goodbye
to whom?
to you man
buy buy
I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP-Adress in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure. I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.

QUOTE
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
lol
bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
you're so stupid man
say buy buy
ah, [Please control your cussing] off
buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


There was a tension in the room... Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve... Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.

QUOTE
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
elch you son of a bitch
bitchchecker how old are you?
What's up bitchchecker?
you have a frie wal
fire wall
maybe, i don't know
i'm 26
such behaviour with 26?
how did you find out that I have a firewall?
tststs this is not very nice missy
because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
be a man turn that shit off
cool, didn't know this was possible.
thn my virus destroys your pc man
are you hacking yourselves?
yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
he bitchchecker if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
what firewall do you have?
like a girl
firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
Noo
he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
you're afraid
i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
elch turn off your shit wall!
i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
shut up
lol
my grandma surfs with fire wall
and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall


He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn't let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don't have a firewall at all, only my router.

QUOTE
bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
bitchhacker can't hack
> nice play on words ^^
wort man
bitchchecker: I'm still waiting for your attack!
how many times again he is no hacker
man do you want a virus
tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
127.0.0.1
it's easy
lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
and are the first files being deleted
mom...
i'll take a look


In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?

QUOTE
don't need to rescue you can't son of a bitch
that's bad
elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
yes, there's nothing i can do about it
and in 20 seconds f: is gone


Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn't matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. bitchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.

QUOTE
tupac rules
elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too


Drive E:? Oh my god... All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted....

Or isn't it happening on my computer?

QUOTE
and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
why doesn't meta say anything
he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
> ^^
your d: is gone
go on BITCH


The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! Bitchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I'll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.

QUOTE
elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
i'm already at c: 30 percent


Should I tell him he's not attacking my computer?

QUOTE
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)


Too late... It's 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias "bitchchecker". We see that he has a "Ping timeout". We haven't seen him since then... must be the Daylight Saving Time.

Notice: We are well completely aware that maybe bitchchecker was just playing a game with us. He also claimed to have german as his major field of study.
QUOTE
shut up man i have advanced german


Added by the translator: I completely forgot the last notice - sorry. His german is about as bad as my translation of it (this was intended). Notice that the german expression "Leistungskurs" (the most advanced course you can take in the kind of school that prepares you for university) can not really be translated into english. I tried with "advanced" and "major field of study", hope it fits.

Nota del DJ para la pe�a

Alleged Chicken-For-Sex Offer Lands Meat Man In Jail

KEENE, N.H. -- A door-to-door meat salesman from Maine is accused of assaulting a potential customer after she turned down his offer of chicken in exchange for sex.Ryan Park, 22, of Waterboro, Maine, is accused of grabbing the woman in Stoddard, N.H., and forcefully kissing her after she rejected his offer last month.Park has been charged with assault and is due in Keene District Court on June 28.

VPO 30m2

Querida Idoia:

No soy capaz de esperar a tu vuelta para decírtelo: Nos han concedido una Vivienda de Protección Oficial de 30 m2. Nos casamos, Idoia, ¡nos casamos!

Te confieso que no es el piso en sí lo que me tiene loco, sino el pensar en compartirlo contigo. He conseguido un plano y aquí me tienes, regla en mano haciendo cálculos. Mi madre dice que es pequeño. Ya sabes cómo son las mujeres de antes, y ella tiene hasta máquina de coser.
Sé que espacio no nos va a sobrar, pero con ideas tampoco nos faltará. No compraremos la cama de Ikea de 1,80. Por más que mido no cabe, pero pensándolo bien, la de 1,05 es más íntima. Sé que a la larga una super-cama de 1,80 nos distanciaría. Tampoco el piano. Tu hermano me lo ha medido y nos faltan 18 centímetros, pero en cambio en ese espacio encaja ideal el ordenador. Claro que sin piano no puedes dar las clases y ya contábamos con ellas para vivir, pero he pensado que puedes seguir dándolas en casa de tus padres. Seguro que ellos encantados de poder verte cada día. Por cierto, tampoco encuentro lugar para todo ese tocho de temario de tus oposiciones, porque aunque había pensado que podías estudiar en la mesa del comedor, no puede ser. He elegido una abatible para que nos quepa el sofá, y si dejamos la mesa todo el día no podemos sentarnos, así que también tendrás que estudiar en tu casa. Será por poco tiempo,porque seguro que la oposición la sacas a la primera. Yo dejaré en la mía los trastos de esquíar, las raquetas y los libros, porque aunque pensé en hacer un cajón-bajo-cama que explicaron en Bricomanía, he desistido. Caber cabe, pero no se puede sacar, porque por un lado se lo impide la pared y por el otro, el armario. En cuanto a hijos, si el cielo nos bendice con alguno, tengo la solución. Ayer medí el recién nacido de mi hermana y tiene 50 centímetros escasos. Una cuna proporcionada nos cabe junto al sofá si quitámos la lámpara de pie y ponemos un aplique, y cuando descolguemos la mesa para comer, llevamos al niño a la ducha, que es un espacio desaprovechado porque sólo se usa unos minutos al día. Lo que traeremos es el reloj de pared de tu abuelo ya que aunque no anda le tienes cariño. Le he encontrado un sitio genial junto a la puerta de entrada. Le quitaremos el péndulo y utilizaremos el hueco como librería. He calculado que con una balda a media altura caben holgadamente diez libros y veinte CDs. ¿Ves como todo es cuestión de ideas? Selecciona nueve de entre tus libros. Yo me llevaré el Ulises de Joyce que lo he empezado veinte o treinta veces y nunca lo termino. Con él sé que tengo lectura para años. ¿A que hemos nacido con suerte?

Nos queremos, nos vamos a casar y sobre todo tenemos piso, Idoia, ¡tenemos piso! Ven pronto.
Te quiere, Juanjo

Respuesta de Idoia............
Querido Juanjo:
No es por no ir, pero ir pá ná es tontería.
P.D. Finalmente prefiero seguir viviendo con mis padres y la casal a alquilamos a una familia de inmigrantes y con lo que sacamos nos pagamos el hostal los fines de semana para follar...Total, la
convivencia es un asco.

The Wolf Ate Them All...perhaps

A mas carne, mas diversion

Weather jokes

Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?
Udder disaster!

What did the one tornado say to the other?
Let’s twist again like we did last summer.

What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
You make my temperature rise.

What happens when fog lifts in California?
UCLA!

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
One is reined up and the other rains down.

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
My plop is bigger than your plop.

What did the tornado say to the other tornado?
You turn me on!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.