Weird Questions in A Library

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

* “Do you have books here?”

* “Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”

* “Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”

* “I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through Grand Rapids.’” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)

* “Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?” (Actual title:”Satanic Verses”)

* “Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!

* “I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?”

* “Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”

* “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”

* “Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”

* “I need a color photograph of George Washington (Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.)”

* “I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”

* “I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”

* “Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”

* “I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”

* “Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

* “I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months..”

Military Warnings

“Aim towards the Enemy.”
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
- U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
- Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
- Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
- U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
- Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.”
- U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
- Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
- Col. David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.”
- Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
- Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”
- Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
- Unknown Army Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) “If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
– U.S.A. Ammo

You and Your Boss

1 When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
2 When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
3 When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
4 When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
5 When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
7 When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
8 When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
9 When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.