Funny English Mistranslations

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

The Top 15 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles

15> "Pretty Woman" - "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money"

14> "Face/Off" - "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!"

13> "Leaving Las Vegas" - "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"

12> "Interview With The Vampire" - "So, You Are a Lawyer?"

11> "The Piano" - "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!"

10> "My Best Friend's Wedding" - "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!"

9> "George of the Jungle" - "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals"

8> "Scent of a Woman" - "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!"

7> "Love, Valour, Compassion!" - "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie"

6> "Babe" - "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems"

5> "Twister" - "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!"

4> "Field of Dreams" - "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"

3> "Barb Wire" - "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You"

2> "Batman & Robin" - "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy"

and the Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title...

1> "The Crying Game" - "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"

Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus

1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the
office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
4. Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you laughed...like a
bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would
remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and
cookies all day.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would
adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.

The Top 15 Reindeer Games

15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter

14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass

13. Spin the Salt Lick

12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers

11. Moose or Dare

10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow
burn and Santa dampen his Depends

9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo

8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest

7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot

6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"

5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass

4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen

3. Elf Tossing

2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...

1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

ST:TNG NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

Dios es Sabio sobre todas las cosas

En el Reino de los Cielos, Dios estuvo ausente durante seis días.

El Arcángel San Miguel, de repente, lo encuentra descansando al
séptimo día y le pregunta a Dios: ¿Dónde has estado? Dios, mostrando
una sonrisa de gran satisfacción y apuntando con el dedo hacia abajo a
través de las nubes, le dice: Mira, Miguel; mira lo que he creado.

El Arcángel, confundido, mira y dice: ¿Qué es eso?

Es un Planeta , le responde Dios. Y he puesto vida en él. Le llamaré Tierra. Y
será un sitio donde todo estará equilibrado.

¿Equilibrado?, pregunta Miguel todavía confuso.

Dios le explicó, apuntando a las diferentes partes de la Tierra: Mira, por ejemplo, Europa del Norte será un lugar de grandes oportunidades y riqueza mientras que el Sur
será mas pobre; el Oriente Medio será una zona caliente. Por aquí he
puesto un continente gente blanca, y por aquí he puesto uno de
gente negra. Dios continuó apuntando a los diferentes paises. Éste
otro será extremadamente árido y cálido mientras que éste será frio y
cubierto de hielo.

El Arcángel estaba impresionado con el trabajo de
Dios. Entonces apuntó hacia una pequeña masa de tierra: ¿Qué es
esto? pregunto

¡Ah!, dijo Dios. Eso es España y allí, MADRID :el
sitio más glorioso de la Tierra. Tiene bellos pinares, bonitos
montes y atardeceres apacibles. Las gentes de MADRID serán
modestos,inteligentes y de buen humor y los verán viajando por todo el
mundo.
Serán extremadamente sociables, trabajadores incansables y
ganadores. Serán conocidos por el mundo como gente inigualable.

Miguel estaba anonadado por tanta maravilla y bondad, y exclamó:
¿Qué hay del equilibrio, Dios? ¡Dijiste que todo estaba
equilibrado!

Dios, sabiamente, le respondió: Espera que veas la cantidad de
gilipollas que he puesto en BARCELONA!!!

Rowdies buzz off as the Mosquito bites

THOUGH he did not know it at the time, the idea came to Howard Stapleton when he was 12 and visiting a London factory with his father.

He could not bear the noise from high-frequency welding equipment, but the workers didn't hear a thing.

Now 39, Mr Stapleton has taken the lesson he learned that day — that children can hear sounds at higher frequencies than adults can — to make a device that he hopes will solve the problem of obstreperous teenagers who hang around outside shops and cause trouble.

The device, called the Mosquito ("It's small and annoying," Mr Stapleton said), emits a high-frequency pulsing sound that he claims can be heard by most people younger than 20 and almost no one older than 30. The sound is designed to so irritate young people that after several minutes, they cannot stand it and go away.

So far, the Mosquito has been road-tested in only one place, at the entrance to a convenience store in the town of Barry, South Wales. Surly teenagers used to plant themselves just outside the door, smoking, drinking, swearing at customers and making disruptive forays inside.

Robert Gough, who owns the store with his parents, said the youths would sometimes fight, steal and assault staff. Last month, Mr Stapleton gave him a Mosquito for a free trial. The results were almost instant. It was as if someone had used anti-teenager spray around the entrance. Where youths used to congregate, now there is no one.

At first, members of the usual crowd repeatedly went inside the store with their fingers in their ears and "begging me to turn it off", Mr Gough said. But he held firm and avoided possible confrontations: "I told them it was to keep birds away because of the bird flu epidemic."

Mr Stapleton, a security consultant, used his children as guinea pigs, trying different noise and frequency levels before settling on a pulsating tone he said was more unbearable, and which can be broadcast at 75 decibels, within government safety limits.

"I didn't want to make it hurt. It just has to nag at them," he said.

"It's very difficult to shoplift when you have your fingers in your ears."

NEW YORK TIMES