Advice from old people

• People in power only hold that power because you allow them to. If they abuse that power, you can take it away from them. This applies to relationships, employers, landlords, councils and the Government.
• When you think “I’ll just have one more drink” - don’t have it.
• If there is something in your life you love doing - try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.
• “It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”
• “Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”
• “Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren’t allowed to” (Granny – aged 89). She’s also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.
• My great uncle also once told me to never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin.
• “Never look at your mom when she’s eating a banana.”
• “Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home ‘early’ she’ll be delighted that you’ve cut short your night out to be with her”
• “Never chase after a bus or a girl - another one’ll come along soon enough!”
• No one wins in a fight. If you hit him 20 times and he hits you once it still fucking hurts.
• Always kick a man when he is down because you probably won’t have the balls to hit him if he gets back up.
• Genuine good advice from my Grand dad - ‘Don’t listen to your mother, she never has known what she’s talking about’
• Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.
• My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… I’m a fucking diabetic.
• “Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you’ll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward.”
• The best advice I ever received was written on the side of a box of matches, it said “Keep dry and away from children”
• Never trust a man with a beard, he’s hiding something.
• “If you take longer strides when you’re walking, your shoes will last longer”.
• Never sleep with a woman who’s problems are worse than your own.
• “Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other”.
• “Never get separated from your lunch”
• “life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes”
• “always leave a party while you’re still having fun, you’re a young lad now but later you’ll understand, never forget”
• Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up…
• “He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!”
• “Never trust a dog with a curly tail”
• Always take a dump when you’re at work, you’re getting paid for it
• Don’t eat gravy and ice-cream at the same time.

Real-life Dilbert manager quotes

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.'
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.'
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufactur ing/ 3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.'(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Pratchett Certificate

Jump, you landlubber. Arr!

Life is...

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
  At age 12, success is...having friends.
    At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
      At age 20, success is...having sex.
       At age 35, success is...having money.
       At age 50, success is...having money.
      At age 60, success is...having sex.
    At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
  At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.