In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
25 December, 2005
The Top 15 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles
15> "Pretty Woman" - "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money"
14> "Face/Off" - "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!"
13> "Leaving Las Vegas" - "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"
12> "Interview With The Vampire" - "So, You Are a Lawyer?"
11> "The Piano" - "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!"
10> "My Best Friend's Wedding" - "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!"
9> "George of the Jungle" - "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals"
8> "Scent of a Woman" - "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!"
7> "Love, Valour, Compassion!" - "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie"
6> "Babe" - "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems"
5> "Twister" - "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!"
4> "Field of Dreams" - "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"
3> "Barb Wire" - "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You"
2> "Batman & Robin" - "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy"
and the Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title...
1> "The Crying Game" - "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"
14> "Face/Off" - "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!"
13> "Leaving Las Vegas" - "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"
12> "Interview With The Vampire" - "So, You Are a Lawyer?"
11> "The Piano" - "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!"
10> "My Best Friend's Wedding" - "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!"
9> "George of the Jungle" - "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals"
8> "Scent of a Woman" - "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!"
7> "Love, Valour, Compassion!" - "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie"
6> "Babe" - "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems"
5> "Twister" - "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!"
4> "Field of Dreams" - "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"
3> "Barb Wire" - "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You"
2> "Batman & Robin" - "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy"
and the Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title...
1> "The Crying Game" - "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"
23 December, 2005
Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus
1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the
office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
4. Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you laughed...like a
bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would
remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and
cookies all day.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would
adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the
office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
4. Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you laughed...like a
bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would
remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and
cookies all day.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would
adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
The Top 15 Reindeer Games
15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter
14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
13. Spin the Salt Lick
12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
11. Moose or Dare
10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow
burn and Santa dampen his Depends
9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
3. Elf Tossing
2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey
and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game
14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
13. Spin the Salt Lick
12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
11. Moose or Dare
10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow
burn and Santa dampen his Depends
9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
3. Elf Tossing
2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey
and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game
ST:TNG NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"
As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.
"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"
As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.
"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
20 December, 2005
Dios es Sabio sobre todas las cosas
En el Reino de los Cielos, Dios estuvo ausente durante seis días.
El Arcángel San Miguel, de repente, lo encuentra descansando al
séptimo día y le pregunta a Dios: ¿Dónde has estado? Dios, mostrando
una sonrisa de gran satisfacción y apuntando con el dedo hacia abajo a
través de las nubes, le dice: Mira, Miguel; mira lo que he creado.
El Arcángel, confundido, mira y dice: ¿Qué es eso?
Es un Planeta , le responde Dios. Y he puesto vida en él. Le llamaré Tierra. Y
será un sitio donde todo estará equilibrado.
¿Equilibrado?, pregunta Miguel todavía confuso.
Dios le explicó, apuntando a las diferentes partes de la Tierra: Mira, por ejemplo, Europa del Norte será un lugar de grandes oportunidades y riqueza mientras que el Sur
será mas pobre; el Oriente Medio será una zona caliente. Por aquí he
puesto un continente gente blanca, y por aquí he puesto uno de
gente negra. Dios continuó apuntando a los diferentes paises. Éste
otro será extremadamente árido y cálido mientras que éste será frio y
cubierto de hielo.
El Arcángel estaba impresionado con el trabajo de
Dios. Entonces apuntó hacia una pequeña masa de tierra: ¿Qué es
esto? pregunto
¡Ah!, dijo Dios. Eso es España y allí, MADRID :el
sitio más glorioso de la Tierra. Tiene bellos pinares, bonitos
montes y atardeceres apacibles. Las gentes de MADRID serán
modestos,inteligentes y de buen humor y los verán viajando por todo el
mundo.
Serán extremadamente sociables, trabajadores incansables y
ganadores. Serán conocidos por el mundo como gente inigualable.
Miguel estaba anonadado por tanta maravilla y bondad, y exclamó:
¿Qué hay del equilibrio, Dios? ¡Dijiste que todo estaba
equilibrado!
Dios, sabiamente, le respondió: Espera que veas la cantidad de
gilipollas que he puesto en BARCELONA!!!
01 December, 2005
Rowdies buzz off as the Mosquito bites
THOUGH he did not know it at the time, the idea came to Howard Stapleton when he was 12 and visiting a London factory with his father.
He could not bear the noise from high-frequency welding equipment, but the workers didn't hear a thing.
Now 39, Mr Stapleton has taken the lesson he learned that day — that children can hear sounds at higher frequencies than adults can — to make a device that he hopes will solve the problem of obstreperous teenagers who hang around outside shops and cause trouble.
The device, called the Mosquito ("It's small and annoying," Mr Stapleton said), emits a high-frequency pulsing sound that he claims can be heard by most people younger than 20 and almost no one older than 30. The sound is designed to so irritate young people that after several minutes, they cannot stand it and go away.
So far, the Mosquito has been road-tested in only one place, at the entrance to a convenience store in the town of Barry, South Wales. Surly teenagers used to plant themselves just outside the door, smoking, drinking, swearing at customers and making disruptive forays inside.
Robert Gough, who owns the store with his parents, said the youths would sometimes fight, steal and assault staff. Last month, Mr Stapleton gave him a Mosquito for a free trial. The results were almost instant. It was as if someone had used anti-teenager spray around the entrance. Where youths used to congregate, now there is no one.
At first, members of the usual crowd repeatedly went inside the store with their fingers in their ears and "begging me to turn it off", Mr Gough said. But he held firm and avoided possible confrontations: "I told them it was to keep birds away because of the bird flu epidemic."
Mr Stapleton, a security consultant, used his children as guinea pigs, trying different noise and frequency levels before settling on a pulsating tone he said was more unbearable, and which can be broadcast at 75 decibels, within government safety limits.
"I didn't want to make it hurt. It just has to nag at them," he said.
"It's very difficult to shoplift when you have your fingers in your ears."
NEW YORK TIMES
He could not bear the noise from high-frequency welding equipment, but the workers didn't hear a thing.
Now 39, Mr Stapleton has taken the lesson he learned that day — that children can hear sounds at higher frequencies than adults can — to make a device that he hopes will solve the problem of obstreperous teenagers who hang around outside shops and cause trouble.
The device, called the Mosquito ("It's small and annoying," Mr Stapleton said), emits a high-frequency pulsing sound that he claims can be heard by most people younger than 20 and almost no one older than 30. The sound is designed to so irritate young people that after several minutes, they cannot stand it and go away.
So far, the Mosquito has been road-tested in only one place, at the entrance to a convenience store in the town of Barry, South Wales. Surly teenagers used to plant themselves just outside the door, smoking, drinking, swearing at customers and making disruptive forays inside.
Robert Gough, who owns the store with his parents, said the youths would sometimes fight, steal and assault staff. Last month, Mr Stapleton gave him a Mosquito for a free trial. The results were almost instant. It was as if someone had used anti-teenager spray around the entrance. Where youths used to congregate, now there is no one.
At first, members of the usual crowd repeatedly went inside the store with their fingers in their ears and "begging me to turn it off", Mr Gough said. But he held firm and avoided possible confrontations: "I told them it was to keep birds away because of the bird flu epidemic."
Mr Stapleton, a security consultant, used his children as guinea pigs, trying different noise and frequency levels before settling on a pulsating tone he said was more unbearable, and which can be broadcast at 75 decibels, within government safety limits.
"I didn't want to make it hurt. It just has to nag at them," he said.
"It's very difficult to shoplift when you have your fingers in your ears."
NEW YORK TIMES
26 November, 2005
White Day
Campaña 18 de diciembre
Cada 14 de Febrero los hombres tienen la oportunidad de
demostrar su amor a su media naranja ofreciendo flores, chocolates,
cenas románticas, películas de amor o todo lo que una mujer
puede encontrar romántico.
Para los tíos.... nada. Hay que admitirlo; no hay ningún
día especial donde las mujeres pueden demostrar su aprecio.
Por eso se ha creado una nueva fiesta:
El 18 de diciembre, es ahora oficialmente el día de:
CHULETÓN Y MAMADA
Simple, eficaz y explícito .... este día ha sido creado
para que las mujeres puedan demostrar su amor por el hombre de su
vida.
Nada de cartas, ni de flores, ni noche especial en la ciudad,ni
baile sudamericano ... es muy simple,un buen chuletón y una buena mamada.
Eso es todo!
Estos días combinados, San Valentín y el día de Chuletón y
Mamada nos van llevar a una nueva era de amor donde todos los hombres se esforzaran para hacer del Día de San Valentín una día inolvidable, ...para asegurarse un buen día de 18 diciembre ....
La idea, está lanzada y como todas las ideas nuevas hay
que hacerlo circular para crear un efecto de bola de nieve,
así que hacedlo circular a ver si hacemos crecer el amor
y la paz en este mundo de locos.
Además, al no ser una celebración auspiciada por
multinacionales, ni por grandes superficies comerciales
a fin de incrementar sus ventas,no deberían producirse
reticencias, aunque todos conocemos a las mujeres...
No esperes más. Reenvía este mensaje a toda tu lista de
contactos.
POR EL 18 DE DICIEMBRE!!!!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
Como puedes imaginar, he reaccionado con indignación
ante semejante barbaridad:
He respondido de inmediato lo siguiente:
Muy Señor Mío.
Su sugerencia a propósito de la festividad del 18 de
Diciembre me parece absolutamente soez y una falta de respeto para la
sensibilidad de muchas personas que no compartimos sus
brutales aficiones.
¿Es que todos los hombres somos animales?
¿Es que no pensamos sino en los instintos más bajos?
No, señor mío. No todos somos como Vd.
Por ello, yo propongo que haya alternativas también para
la gente más civilizada:
17 de Diciembre:
DÍA DE LA LUBINA AL HORNO Y LA MAMADA
19 de Diciembre
DÍA DE LOS LOMITOS DE MERLUZA Y LA MAMADA
20 de Diciembre
DÍA DE LA ENSALADA DE BOGAVANTE CON HONGUITOS DEL TIEMPO Y
LA MAMADA
Desde luego, es por gente insensible como Vd. por lo que
los hombres tenemos la fama que tenemos...
Pon tu propuesta......y pásalo.
Cada 14 de Febrero los hombres tienen la oportunidad de
demostrar su amor a su media naranja ofreciendo flores, chocolates,
cenas románticas, películas de amor o todo lo que una mujer
puede encontrar romántico.
Para los tíos.... nada. Hay que admitirlo; no hay ningún
día especial donde las mujeres pueden demostrar su aprecio.
Por eso se ha creado una nueva fiesta:
El 18 de diciembre, es ahora oficialmente el día de:
CHULETÓN Y MAMADA
Simple, eficaz y explícito .... este día ha sido creado
para que las mujeres puedan demostrar su amor por el hombre de su
vida.
Nada de cartas, ni de flores, ni noche especial en la ciudad,ni
baile sudamericano ... es muy simple,un buen chuletón y una buena mamada.
Eso es todo!
Estos días combinados, San Valentín y el día de Chuletón y
Mamada nos van llevar a una nueva era de amor donde todos los hombres se esforzaran para hacer del Día de San Valentín una día inolvidable, ...para asegurarse un buen día de 18 diciembre ....
La idea, está lanzada y como todas las ideas nuevas hay
que hacerlo circular para crear un efecto de bola de nieve,
así que hacedlo circular a ver si hacemos crecer el amor
y la paz en este mundo de locos.
Además, al no ser una celebración auspiciada por
multinacionales, ni por grandes superficies comerciales
a fin de incrementar sus ventas,no deberían producirse
reticencias, aunque todos conocemos a las mujeres...
No esperes más. Reenvía este mensaje a toda tu lista de
contactos.
POR EL 18 DE DICIEMBRE!!!!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
Como puedes imaginar, he reaccionado con indignación
ante semejante barbaridad:
He respondido de inmediato lo siguiente:
Muy Señor Mío.
Su sugerencia a propósito de la festividad del 18 de
Diciembre me parece absolutamente soez y una falta de respeto para la
sensibilidad de muchas personas que no compartimos sus
brutales aficiones.
¿Es que todos los hombres somos animales?
¿Es que no pensamos sino en los instintos más bajos?
No, señor mío. No todos somos como Vd.
Por ello, yo propongo que haya alternativas también para
la gente más civilizada:
17 de Diciembre:
DÍA DE LA LUBINA AL HORNO Y LA MAMADA
19 de Diciembre
DÍA DE LOS LOMITOS DE MERLUZA Y LA MAMADA
20 de Diciembre
DÍA DE LA ENSALADA DE BOGAVANTE CON HONGUITOS DEL TIEMPO Y
LA MAMADA
Desde luego, es por gente insensible como Vd. por lo que
los hombres tenemos la fama que tenemos...
Pon tu propuesta......y pásalo.
14 November, 2005
Vacas y cabras
Un hombre entra en la habitación con una cabra en los brazos...
Su mujer echada en la cama está leyendo un libro...
Dice el hombre:
- "mira cariño, esta es la vaca que me follo cuando tienes jaquecas..."
Le contesta la mujer:
- "si no fueras tan gilipollas te darías cuenta de que es una cabra..."
El hombre sonríe..:
- "si no fueras tan gilipollas te darías cuenta de que estoy hablando con la
cabra..."
Su mujer echada en la cama está leyendo un libro...
Dice el hombre:
- "mira cariño, esta es la vaca que me follo cuando tienes jaquecas..."
Le contesta la mujer:
- "si no fueras tan gilipollas te darías cuenta de que es una cabra..."
El hombre sonríe..:
- "si no fueras tan gilipollas te darías cuenta de que estoy hablando con la
cabra..."
09 November, 2005
Answering Machine Messages
Gandalf:
“Hello, you’ve reached the ol’ wizard. I’m on an errand right now, fighting Wargs and Goblins. Please don’t bother taking a message, for I won’t be around for a couple of years. I hope I do see you then; until our next meeting.
Bilbo:
Hi! You’ve reached Bilbo Baggins. I am off onto yet another journey to Rivendell, or I may be helping dwarves find their long-lost home. Oh, no, I’m probobly petting my Ring.
If you are Gollum; I’ve still got sting by my side, so don’t you try taking my ring!
But if you have gotten my old Ring please press 2; I should very much like to hold it again one last time.
If you are a mindless hobbit: don’t even bother leaving a message: I don’t want any visitors, well wishers, or people of distant relations bothering me!
If you are Gandalf press 3, and I expect you to leave a message this time before badgering in with some measly Dwarves puckering me off on another adventure!
I hope you will live happily ever after, until the end of your days! Goodbye!
Frodo:
Hello! You’ve reached Frodo Baggins (a.k.a. Ringbarer, or Halfling) I am off to Mordor to destroy the One Ring. Please throw me a party when I return, for I would have saved the world.
Oh and ya, please don’t forget to have a fill-in buddy trim the hedges and plant flowers while I’m gone; Sam is coming with me.
Pippin:
Hullo! I’m off eating a Dubble-King-Mac or off on an adventure. Oh, no! I couldn’t be… I’m hungry…. I might be out lifting carrots, tomatoes, cabbage, and mushrooms from Mr. Maggot’s crops…. Mmmm…. That’s making me hungry. I think I need my second-breakfast. Goodbye!
Nazgûl:
Hello people of the real word. Come to us. We have candy for you. Bring us the Ring. You cannot hide. We see you!
Aragorn:
Aiya. Hello. I am Aragorn, High King of Gondor, Chieftain of the Dúnedain, Elessar, Elfstone, Evinyatar, The Renewer, the Healer, Estel, Hope, Strider, Wingfoot, Thorongil, King of the West, Dúnedan, the Deliverer…… beeepppp….
Sam:
Hello. You’ve reached Sam Gamgee the Gardener. I am out right now planting and tending Frodo’s garden, call back or leave a message:
Press 1 if you’d like to do business with me.
Press 2 if you’re Rosie and would like to marry me.
Press 3 if you’d like me to run for mayor… again!
Thank you for calling!
Sauron:
I am the Ruler of the World I shall diminish all living things and rule in the all in shadow. I will wear again the Ring of Power and punish those who held it against me. It is my Precious. My own. One Ring that would rule them all:
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
And so it will be.
There is no life out in the void… only cold… only death.
…. This message will self-destruct…..
Gollum:
My preciuouss it’s lossst… me wants it! It’s mine! My Birthday-present! Bilbo tooks it! Give it back to me! Lossst! Mine! Gives it back! Gives it to meeeeeeee….. this message is over……
Arwen:
This is to Aragorn: I will not give up. Not that easily. There is still hope left. So don't you give up on me. May the Evenstar protect you and remind you of me. I will meet you once again. Maybe so.... Ú i vethed... nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han bâd lîn. (This is not the end... it is the beginning. You must go with Frodo. That is your path.) Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. (It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now.)
Ae ú-esteliach nad... estelio han. Estelio ammen. (If you trust nothing else... trust this. Trust us.)
A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor. Ú or le a ú or nin. (The Shadow does not hold sway yet, not over you and not over me.)
“Hello, you’ve reached the ol’ wizard. I’m on an errand right now, fighting Wargs and Goblins. Please don’t bother taking a message, for I won’t be around for a couple of years. I hope I do see you then; until our next meeting.
Bilbo:
Hi! You’ve reached Bilbo Baggins. I am off onto yet another journey to Rivendell, or I may be helping dwarves find their long-lost home. Oh, no, I’m probobly petting my Ring.
If you are Gollum; I’ve still got sting by my side, so don’t you try taking my ring!
But if you have gotten my old Ring please press 2; I should very much like to hold it again one last time.
If you are a mindless hobbit: don’t even bother leaving a message: I don’t want any visitors, well wishers, or people of distant relations bothering me!
If you are Gandalf press 3, and I expect you to leave a message this time before badgering in with some measly Dwarves puckering me off on another adventure!
I hope you will live happily ever after, until the end of your days! Goodbye!
Frodo:
Hello! You’ve reached Frodo Baggins (a.k.a. Ringbarer, or Halfling) I am off to Mordor to destroy the One Ring. Please throw me a party when I return, for I would have saved the world.
Oh and ya, please don’t forget to have a fill-in buddy trim the hedges and plant flowers while I’m gone; Sam is coming with me.
Pippin:
Hullo! I’m off eating a Dubble-King-Mac or off on an adventure. Oh, no! I couldn’t be… I’m hungry…. I might be out lifting carrots, tomatoes, cabbage, and mushrooms from Mr. Maggot’s crops…. Mmmm…. That’s making me hungry. I think I need my second-breakfast. Goodbye!
Nazgûl:
Hello people of the real word. Come to us. We have candy for you. Bring us the Ring. You cannot hide. We see you!
Aragorn:
Aiya. Hello. I am Aragorn, High King of Gondor, Chieftain of the Dúnedain, Elessar, Elfstone, Evinyatar, The Renewer, the Healer, Estel, Hope, Strider, Wingfoot, Thorongil, King of the West, Dúnedan, the Deliverer…… beeepppp….
Sam:
Hello. You’ve reached Sam Gamgee the Gardener. I am out right now planting and tending Frodo’s garden, call back or leave a message:
Press 1 if you’d like to do business with me.
Press 2 if you’re Rosie and would like to marry me.
Press 3 if you’d like me to run for mayor… again!
Thank you for calling!
Sauron:
I am the Ruler of the World I shall diminish all living things and rule in the all in shadow. I will wear again the Ring of Power and punish those who held it against me. It is my Precious. My own. One Ring that would rule them all:
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
And so it will be.
There is no life out in the void… only cold… only death.
…. This message will self-destruct…..
Gollum:
My preciuouss it’s lossst… me wants it! It’s mine! My Birthday-present! Bilbo tooks it! Give it back to me! Lossst! Mine! Gives it back! Gives it to meeeeeeee….. this message is over……
Arwen:
This is to Aragorn: I will not give up. Not that easily. There is still hope left. So don't you give up on me. May the Evenstar protect you and remind you of me. I will meet you once again. Maybe so.... Ú i vethed... nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han bâd lîn. (This is not the end... it is the beginning. You must go with Frodo. That is your path.) Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. (It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now.)
Ae ú-esteliach nad... estelio han. Estelio ammen. (If you trust nothing else... trust this. Trust us.)
A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor. Ú or le a ú or nin. (The Shadow does not hold sway yet, not over you and not over me.)
19 October, 2005
17 October, 2005
Spice Girls Jokes
Mel C. walked into a bar with a pig tied to a piece of string. 'Where the hell did you pick that dirty thing up?' asked the publican. 'Won it in a raffle.' said the pig.
Q: What's the difference between a spice girl and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do you do if a spice girl hurls a grenade at you?
A: Take out the pin and throw it back
Q: What do you call a spice girl behind a steering wheel?
A: An airbag
Q: A blond and the Spice Girls jumped off the Empire State building. Who landed first?
A: The blond. The Spice Girls had to stop and ask directions!
Q: What's the difference between a spice girl and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do you do if a spice girl hurls a grenade at you?
A: Take out the pin and throw it back
Q: What do you call a spice girl behind a steering wheel?
A: An airbag
Q: A blond and the Spice Girls jumped off the Empire State building. Who landed first?
A: The blond. The Spice Girls had to stop and ask directions!
16 September, 2005
Curso de pronunciación inglesa
1 - Módulo basico
Tres brujas miran tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué bruja mira qué reloj?
En inglés:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch
watch?
2 - Módulo avanzado
Tres brujas "travestis" miran los botones de tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué
bruja travesti mira los botones de qué reloj Swatch?
En inglés :
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched
witch watch which Swatch watch switch?
Tres brujas miran tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué bruja mira qué reloj?
En inglés:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch
watch?
2 - Módulo avanzado
Tres brujas "travestis" miran los botones de tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué
bruja travesti mira los botones de qué reloj Swatch?
En inglés :
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched
witch watch which Swatch watch switch?
15 September, 2005
IRC vs MSN
Hola chatters del mundo… Yo…venia a hablaros de la fusión iRC-Messenger.
Todo comienza con el iRC,obviamente, porque si no conoces a gente, no puedes tener amigos…ejem “amigos” en el MSN. Así que un día te levantas y dices..BIEN! Hoy voy a conocer gente y… quien sabe? Igual me hago algun noviete.(Soy chica por si no se habian dado cuenta). Entras en la sala…Pongamos por ejemplo… Canal #Castellón de… Ozú, que siempre está con más de 100 personas de las cuales hablan siempre las mismas y te llenan el general de líneas contándose su vida y poniendo interminables filas de.. xDDDDDD… Y diciendo hola apaaaaaa!! A todo kiski, sumados con los tropecientos mil que buscan sexo, amor, alguien inteligente con quien hablar… en fin, tu entras con tu nick normal de toda la vida… Ana20 y.. a las dos milésimas de segundo, empiezan los privados, la perdición. Bien veamos…
Hola guapa.¿Qué tal?
Bien.
Respuesta escueta para alguien que te dice guapa sin tener ni pajotera idea de quien eres…Sigamos… otro privado…
hl amor, kieres ver mis 30 cm x cam?
No!
Pum! Ignore, a este tipo de chatters o se aburren de pelársela o esq se piensan que todos somos iguales… (Por cierto Alavo a quien inventó el ignore, muy util , si señor ^.^)
Ui ahora otro privado..
m djas xupart l pie? K talla usas?
M dejas yamar al manicomio? Ande vives¿?
En fin hay de todo…
Después de media hora poniendo ignores y de leer el general… por hacer algo.. otro privado:
Hola, que tal?Quieres charlar un rato?
Bueno, de todos los privados hasta ahora… este es el más normal…Bien, le contestaremos…
Muy bien, y tu?¡
Bien, también… De donde eres chica?
Por fin! Uno normal! Hablamos ¾ de hora por el iRC y al final… decide preguntarme…
Oye, me caes muy bien, te importa que nos demos el MSN?
Vale, apunta…
Y lo añades al MSN. Y seguís hablando por ahí, parece que este ha salido bien.. pero… no es todo tan rosa…porque chateas todos los días y conoces gente… y.. al final tienes a 200 contactos de los cuales hablas con 20 como mucho, incluyendo amigos, familiares, tus ex novios, rolletes… y los demás es como si no existieran…y si te hablan es para preguntarte alguna duda, claro como eres informática pues.. a quién van a acudir sinó…, también para pedirte esa foto que te mandaron hace tropecientos años y que tú, obviamente has borrado…
Anita [Felicidad ahí voy!] dice:
Vaya, pues no se donde la tendré, lo siento.
-Fran- ||Cuando te dan fuerte, duele|| dice:
Jooo xro si t la pasé hace un año solo!!!! Mala que eres :(
Y tú.. que si ale pírate. Y no se la pasas.
Luego están los típicos que agregas por aburrimiento… y luego resulta que son almas en pena que buscan pareja desesperadamente…
.:MaNu:. Cuando te encontrare? dice:
Hla q tal, tenes nvio?
Es lo primero que preguntan, así que cuidado con esos que van al ataquer.
Y tú no sabes que contestar… si le digo que sí… se irá pero mi conciencia no estará tranquila.. si le digo que no, se le abrirá un cielo y se enamorará de mi ipsofacto… Decides decirle:
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
No tengo… xo me gusta un chico
Ahí se cortan un poco , pero siguen insistiendo…
Y entre toda esta fauna… están los salidos, que son los mejores.
Kieres k m corra para ti?
No gracias, correte pa tu madre majo :D
Y pum! Ignore.
Luego están los que te engañan y hacen cualquier cosa con tal de enseñarte la churra por la cam…
Ejemplo.. en el msn.. con su cam puesta…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ah pos nostas mal eh jeje
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Gracias… quieres ver algo mas?
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ehm nono, con tu cara yasta bien
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Ah vale! Jeje….
Y zas! Baja la cámara y apunta al asunto en cuestión… y tu…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Vale, venga muy bonita ale adiós
Y lo pones sin admisión…
Y entre toda esta fauna.. esperas encontrar a alguna persona decente como tú que no hable de sexo , ni te enseñe su nabo por la cam… y a veces la encuentras, y a veces….pos no xD.
Todo comienza con el iRC,obviamente, porque si no conoces a gente, no puedes tener amigos…ejem “amigos” en el MSN. Así que un día te levantas y dices..BIEN! Hoy voy a conocer gente y… quien sabe? Igual me hago algun noviete.(Soy chica por si no se habian dado cuenta). Entras en la sala…Pongamos por ejemplo… Canal #Castellón de… Ozú, que siempre está con más de 100 personas de las cuales hablan siempre las mismas y te llenan el general de líneas contándose su vida y poniendo interminables filas de.. xDDDDDD… Y diciendo hola apaaaaaa!! A todo kiski, sumados con los tropecientos mil que buscan sexo, amor, alguien inteligente con quien hablar… en fin, tu entras con tu nick normal de toda la vida… Ana20 y.. a las dos milésimas de segundo, empiezan los privados, la perdición. Bien veamos…
Respuesta escueta para alguien que te dice guapa sin tener ni pajotera idea de quien eres…Sigamos… otro privado…
Pum! Ignore, a este tipo de chatters o se aburren de pelársela o esq se piensan que todos somos iguales… (Por cierto Alavo a quien inventó el ignore, muy util , si señor ^.^)
Ui ahora otro privado..
En fin hay de todo…
Después de media hora poniendo ignores y de leer el general… por hacer algo.. otro privado:
Bueno, de todos los privados hasta ahora… este es el más normal…Bien, le contestaremos…
Por fin! Uno normal! Hablamos ¾ de hora por el iRC y al final… decide preguntarme…
Y lo añades al MSN. Y seguís hablando por ahí, parece que este ha salido bien.. pero… no es todo tan rosa…porque chateas todos los días y conoces gente… y.. al final tienes a 200 contactos de los cuales hablas con 20 como mucho, incluyendo amigos, familiares, tus ex novios, rolletes… y los demás es como si no existieran…y si te hablan es para preguntarte alguna duda, claro como eres informática pues.. a quién van a acudir sinó…, también para pedirte esa foto que te mandaron hace tropecientos años y que tú, obviamente has borrado…
Anita [Felicidad ahí voy!] dice:
Vaya, pues no se donde la tendré, lo siento.
-Fran- ||Cuando te dan fuerte, duele|| dice:
Jooo xro si t la pasé hace un año solo!!!! Mala que eres :(
Y tú.. que si ale pírate. Y no se la pasas.
Luego están los típicos que agregas por aburrimiento… y luego resulta que son almas en pena que buscan pareja desesperadamente…
.:MaNu:. Cuando te encontrare? dice:
Hla q tal, tenes nvio?
Es lo primero que preguntan, así que cuidado con esos que van al ataquer.
Y tú no sabes que contestar… si le digo que sí… se irá pero mi conciencia no estará tranquila.. si le digo que no, se le abrirá un cielo y se enamorará de mi ipsofacto… Decides decirle:
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
No tengo… xo me gusta un chico
Ahí se cortan un poco , pero siguen insistiendo…
Y entre toda esta fauna… están los salidos, que son los mejores.
Y pum! Ignore.
Luego están los que te engañan y hacen cualquier cosa con tal de enseñarte la churra por la cam…
Ejemplo.. en el msn.. con su cam puesta…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ah pos nostas mal eh jeje
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Gracias… quieres ver algo mas?
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ehm nono, con tu cara yasta bien
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Ah vale! Jeje….
Y zas! Baja la cámara y apunta al asunto en cuestión… y tu…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Vale, venga muy bonita ale adiós
Y lo pones sin admisión…
Y entre toda esta fauna.. esperas encontrar a alguna persona decente como tú que no hable de sexo , ni te enseñe su nabo por la cam… y a veces la encuentras, y a veces….pos no xD.
13 September, 2005
Great Beer Quotes
I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
Abraham Lincoln
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer.
Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
The roots and herbs beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengthen and quicken the sight of the eyes.
Nicholas Culpeper
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer.
Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet
Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.
Homer Simpson
Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health.
Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety.
Shakespeare, Henry V
Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop.
Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944
We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old.
Martin Luther
Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods.
Bruce Carlton
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.
John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough
An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer.
Confucius
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
Whitstran Brewery sign
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Unknown"
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Abraham Lincoln
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer.
Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
The roots and herbs beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengthen and quicken the sight of the eyes.
Nicholas Culpeper
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer.
Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet
Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.
Homer Simpson
Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health.
Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety.
Shakespeare, Henry V
Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop.
Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944
We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old.
Martin Luther
Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods.
Bruce Carlton
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.
John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough
An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer.
Confucius
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
Whitstran Brewery sign
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Unknown"
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
10 September, 2005
Carta con moraleja
>Un soldado español destinado en Irak recibe una carta de su novia desde
>España.
>La carta decía lo siguiente:
>"Querido Luis:
>Ya no puedo continuar con esta relación. La distancia que nos separa es
>demasiado grande.
>Tengo que admitir que te he sido infiel dos veces desde que te fuiste y
>creo
>que ni tu ni yo nos merecemos esto, lo siento.
>Por favor devuélveme la foto que te envié.
>Con amor, María."
>
>
>
>El soldado, muy herido, le pidió a todos sus compañeros que le regalaran
>fotos de sus novias, hermanas, amigas, tías, primas, etc. Junto con la foto
>de María incluyó todas esas otras fotos que había recolectado de sus
>amigos.
>
>Había 57 fotos en el sobre y una nota que decía:
>"Querida María:
>perdóname, pero no puedo recordar quien eres.
>Por favor, busca tu foto en el paquete y me devuelves el resto."
>
>
>
>
>
>MORALEJA: Aún derrotado... hay que SABER JODER AL ENEMIGO.
>España.
>La carta decía lo siguiente:
>"Querido Luis:
>Ya no puedo continuar con esta relación. La distancia que nos separa es
>demasiado grande.
>Tengo que admitir que te he sido infiel dos veces desde que te fuiste y
>creo
>que ni tu ni yo nos merecemos esto, lo siento.
>Por favor devuélveme la foto que te envié.
>Con amor, María."
>
>
>
>El soldado, muy herido, le pidió a todos sus compañeros que le regalaran
>fotos de sus novias, hermanas, amigas, tías, primas, etc. Junto con la foto
>de María incluyó todas esas otras fotos que había recolectado de sus
>amigos.
>
>Había 57 fotos en el sobre y una nota que decía:
>"Querida María:
>perdóname, pero no puedo recordar quien eres.
>Por favor, busca tu foto en el paquete y me devuelves el resto."
>
>
>
>
>
>MORALEJA: Aún derrotado... hay que SABER JODER AL ENEMIGO.
08 September, 2005
Memorable Quotes from Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory
Sam Fisher: Lasers? Lasers are so...
Anna: Nineties?
Sam Fisher: I was going to say 'Seventies'. Would you stop making me feel old?
Anna: I have bad news for you, Sam. You ARE old.
[Fisher shoots a civilian who was tortured to death]
Irving Lambert: Fisher! What the hell are you doing?
Sam Fisher: Making sure he wasn't suffering.
Irving Lambert: Well, NATO rounds in a civilian is not going to help us, Fisher. Get back to work!
Douglas Shetland: [pointing guns at one another] It doesn't have to end like this, Sam.
Sam Fisher: No, but it does have to end...
Douglas Shetland: On that we agree. We've been fighting these dirty little wars our whole lives, and where do we end up? Staring at each other down the barrels of our guns. Nothing has changed, Sam, but I won't change my degrees. We have to tear it down and start over; it's the only way.
Sam Fisher: Your own little Chaos Theory; throw the whole world into war and hope that whatever comes out the other side is better?
Douglas Shetland: It will be better because this war will change things, Sam. Every other war has been about keeping things the same, but the status quo doesn't work anymore. America is sick, Sam... she's dying, Sam; the politicians, the bureaucrats, the whispered backroom deals, it's all life support for a sick old woman who was dead a long time ago.
Sam Fisher: The only backroom deals I've seen lately have been made by you. You're a murderer and a war criminal.
Douglas Shetland: Those are the only names the state has for the revolutionaries. You only become a hero after the war is over. You know the truth; the world is built from the bottom-up, not the other way around. Honor, courage, fidelity, we don't inherit these things from the world, Sam; we build the world from them. You believe in these things more than any government, and I know because of it you wouldn't shoot and old friend
Sam Fisher: [staring over Shetland's corpse] You're right, Doug; I wouldn't shoot an old friend.
Bank Guard: Hey, Emilio, have you seen these new motion sensing lights?
Emilio: No! What do they do?
Bank Guard: When they detect movement, the light turns on!
Emilio: Dat's-dat's amazing!
Bank Guard: Like magic!
Sam Fisher: [at a Japanese tea house, Sam has grabbed a guard from behind in a choke-hold] Bad news.
Guard: Agh! I knew it! I knew there were ninjas around here!
Sam Fisher: What?
Guard: Yeah, you've gotta be a ninja. How else could you sneak up and grab me like that?
Sam Fisher: Listen, I don't know what -
Guard: Wow! A real, live, ninja! I can't believe it!
Sam Fisher: Listen, I'm going to kill you if -
Guard: *Wow*! Killed by a ninja... cool!
Captain Arthur Partridge: When was the last time I saw you?
Sam Fisher: I'm afraid I have no recollection of that, Senator.
Captain Arthur Partridge: That's right!
Anna: The Maria Narcissa.
Sam Fisher: Sounds like your setting me up for another blind date.
Anna: The Maria Narcissa is a boat.
Sam Fisher: So was the last girl you set me up with.
Anna: Fisher!
Sam Fisher: Sorry.
Sam Fisher: Lambert, now that I got 50 million bucks with me, it's time to talk about a raise.
Irving Lambert: Hmmm. 25 cents an hour and not a penny more.
Sam Fisher: Deal.
Sam Fisher: [after putting the exec. in a chokehold] Nice suit. Italian?
Displace Executive: Grrgghhh... yes! Andretti!
Sam Fisher: What?
Displace Executive: Andretti; famous designer: men's suits and tuxedos.
Sam Fisher: I'm not a tuxedo kind of guy.
Displace Executive: Grrrrgghhhh...are you a spy?
Sam Fisher: Yeah, the real kind, not the tuxedo kind. I'm the kind that makes you bleed all over your Andretti unless you give me information!
Displace Executive: Oh, God!
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: American! What have you done?
Sam Fisher: Give it up, Admiral, it's over.
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Ha! Do you think that I will surrender to you? Allow your people to strip me of my dignity? Throw me in chains? No, my people have endured your *charming* oppression for more than sixty years!
Sam Fisher: You say tomato...
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Americans; always turning to their jokes when their hearts are full of fear. You should be afraid; I may be defeated, but I am a man whose ideas and beliefs are stronger than most. You have stopped this war, American, but the dragon has been awakened, and he will not be so easily sedated this time.
[Otomo unsheathes a sword and attempts to commit Sepuku]
Irving Lambert: [over Fisher's radio] What happened?
Sam Fisher: I think someone is taking himself a little too seriously.
Irving Lambert: Well, we can't afford to let him die, Fisher. Get in there and stablize him. Hurry!
Sam Fisher: [interrogating the base commander] It's a game of position, colonel and you've already lost. Do you need to condemn 50,000 men, as well?
North Korean Colonel: They're not my men, they're your men, American.
Sam Fisher: They're not my men, Colonel, they're just men, sons, husbands and fathers like you and me. Do they need to die for our mistakes?
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam at the ISDF Building] Who are you?
Sam Fisher: I'm the good guy here to save your world
Guard: I thought I was the good guy
Sam Fisher: No, no you're the side with the super secret underground base and I'm the guy who's trying to break in to the base which makes me the good guy.
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam on the roof of the Displace office] Hey who are you?
Sam Fisher: Pretend I'm Harry Tubman
Guard: Who?
Sam Fisher: I'm an ill-tempered, heavily-armed heating engineer asking about your ventilation system.
Guard: I guess, I guess it's not working properly since the blackout
Sam Fisher: So it shouldn't take much to shut down that big fan if i wanted to.
Guard: I, I don't know why would you want to do that?
Sam Fisher: The adventure, the travel.
Guard: ...Okay
William Redding: [informing Sam of the real identity of a person] The Bosnian Barber!
Sam Fisher: I already have a barber but I think he's Italian, you know, the place right beside the donut shop.
Anna: The missile is closing in fast on the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan.
Sam Fisher: Wait a minute... did you just say I have to win one for the Gipper?
Anna: Dude, what does that even mean?
Sam Fisher: Never mind. You're right Grim; I am old.
Sam Fisher: [taking a Peruvian guard captive] You look important.
Guard: I am loyal you will get nothing from me.
Sam Fisher: Is that so? Hmm. It looks like you forgot to shave this morning, here let me help.
[starts sliding his knife]
Guard: Hey, what are you doing? OK. OK. What do you want to know?
Anna: Nineties?
Sam Fisher: I was going to say 'Seventies'. Would you stop making me feel old?
Anna: I have bad news for you, Sam. You ARE old.
[Fisher shoots a civilian who was tortured to death]
Irving Lambert: Fisher! What the hell are you doing?
Sam Fisher: Making sure he wasn't suffering.
Irving Lambert: Well, NATO rounds in a civilian is not going to help us, Fisher. Get back to work!
Douglas Shetland: [pointing guns at one another] It doesn't have to end like this, Sam.
Sam Fisher: No, but it does have to end...
Douglas Shetland: On that we agree. We've been fighting these dirty little wars our whole lives, and where do we end up? Staring at each other down the barrels of our guns. Nothing has changed, Sam, but I won't change my degrees. We have to tear it down and start over; it's the only way.
Sam Fisher: Your own little Chaos Theory; throw the whole world into war and hope that whatever comes out the other side is better?
Douglas Shetland: It will be better because this war will change things, Sam. Every other war has been about keeping things the same, but the status quo doesn't work anymore. America is sick, Sam... she's dying, Sam; the politicians, the bureaucrats, the whispered backroom deals, it's all life support for a sick old woman who was dead a long time ago.
Sam Fisher: The only backroom deals I've seen lately have been made by you. You're a murderer and a war criminal.
Douglas Shetland: Those are the only names the state has for the revolutionaries. You only become a hero after the war is over. You know the truth; the world is built from the bottom-up, not the other way around. Honor, courage, fidelity, we don't inherit these things from the world, Sam; we build the world from them. You believe in these things more than any government, and I know because of it you wouldn't shoot and old friend
Sam Fisher: [staring over Shetland's corpse] You're right, Doug; I wouldn't shoot an old friend.
Bank Guard: Hey, Emilio, have you seen these new motion sensing lights?
Emilio: No! What do they do?
Bank Guard: When they detect movement, the light turns on!
Emilio: Dat's-dat's amazing!
Bank Guard: Like magic!
Sam Fisher: [at a Japanese tea house, Sam has grabbed a guard from behind in a choke-hold] Bad news.
Guard: Agh! I knew it! I knew there were ninjas around here!
Sam Fisher: What?
Guard: Yeah, you've gotta be a ninja. How else could you sneak up and grab me like that?
Sam Fisher: Listen, I don't know what -
Guard: Wow! A real, live, ninja! I can't believe it!
Sam Fisher: Listen, I'm going to kill you if -
Guard: *Wow*! Killed by a ninja... cool!
Captain Arthur Partridge: When was the last time I saw you?
Sam Fisher: I'm afraid I have no recollection of that, Senator.
Captain Arthur Partridge: That's right!
Anna: The Maria Narcissa.
Sam Fisher: Sounds like your setting me up for another blind date.
Anna: The Maria Narcissa is a boat.
Sam Fisher: So was the last girl you set me up with.
Anna: Fisher!
Sam Fisher: Sorry.
Sam Fisher: Lambert, now that I got 50 million bucks with me, it's time to talk about a raise.
Irving Lambert: Hmmm. 25 cents an hour and not a penny more.
Sam Fisher: Deal.
Sam Fisher: [after putting the exec. in a chokehold] Nice suit. Italian?
Displace Executive: Grrgghhh... yes! Andretti!
Sam Fisher: What?
Displace Executive: Andretti; famous designer: men's suits and tuxedos.
Sam Fisher: I'm not a tuxedo kind of guy.
Displace Executive: Grrrrgghhhh...are you a spy?
Sam Fisher: Yeah, the real kind, not the tuxedo kind. I'm the kind that makes you bleed all over your Andretti unless you give me information!
Displace Executive: Oh, God!
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: American! What have you done?
Sam Fisher: Give it up, Admiral, it's over.
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Ha! Do you think that I will surrender to you? Allow your people to strip me of my dignity? Throw me in chains? No, my people have endured your *charming* oppression for more than sixty years!
Sam Fisher: You say tomato...
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Americans; always turning to their jokes when their hearts are full of fear. You should be afraid; I may be defeated, but I am a man whose ideas and beliefs are stronger than most. You have stopped this war, American, but the dragon has been awakened, and he will not be so easily sedated this time.
[Otomo unsheathes a sword and attempts to commit Sepuku]
Irving Lambert: [over Fisher's radio] What happened?
Sam Fisher: I think someone is taking himself a little too seriously.
Irving Lambert: Well, we can't afford to let him die, Fisher. Get in there and stablize him. Hurry!
Sam Fisher: [interrogating the base commander] It's a game of position, colonel and you've already lost. Do you need to condemn 50,000 men, as well?
North Korean Colonel: They're not my men, they're your men, American.
Sam Fisher: They're not my men, Colonel, they're just men, sons, husbands and fathers like you and me. Do they need to die for our mistakes?
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam at the ISDF Building] Who are you?
Sam Fisher: I'm the good guy here to save your world
Guard: I thought I was the good guy
Sam Fisher: No, no you're the side with the super secret underground base and I'm the guy who's trying to break in to the base which makes me the good guy.
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam on the roof of the Displace office] Hey who are you?
Sam Fisher: Pretend I'm Harry Tubman
Guard: Who?
Sam Fisher: I'm an ill-tempered, heavily-armed heating engineer asking about your ventilation system.
Guard: I guess, I guess it's not working properly since the blackout
Sam Fisher: So it shouldn't take much to shut down that big fan if i wanted to.
Guard: I, I don't know why would you want to do that?
Sam Fisher: The adventure, the travel.
Guard: ...Okay
William Redding: [informing Sam of the real identity of a person] The Bosnian Barber!
Sam Fisher: I already have a barber but I think he's Italian, you know, the place right beside the donut shop.
Anna: The missile is closing in fast on the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan.
Sam Fisher: Wait a minute... did you just say I have to win one for the Gipper?
Anna: Dude, what does that even mean?
Sam Fisher: Never mind. You're right Grim; I am old.
Sam Fisher: [taking a Peruvian guard captive] You look important.
Guard: I am loyal you will get nothing from me.
Sam Fisher: Is that so? Hmm. It looks like you forgot to shave this morning, here let me help.
[starts sliding his knife]
Guard: Hey, what are you doing? OK. OK. What do you want to know?
05 September, 2005
EL Trabajo y sus secretos
>¿Alguna vez te has preguntado... qué significa 100%? ¿Qué es dar MÁS del
>100%?
>
>
>
>¿Alguna vez te has preguntado cómo son esas personas que dicen que dan MÁS
>del 100%?
>
>
>
>Todos hemos asistido a reuniones en las que alguien nos ha pedido que demos
>MÁS del 100%. ¿Qué te parece alcanzar el 103%?
>
>
>
>¿De qué está compuesto el 100% en esta vida?
>
>
>
>A continuación figura una simpe fórmula matemática que puede que te ayude a
> responder a estas preguntas:
>
>
>
>Si:
>
>
>
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N Ñ O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
>
>equivalen a los siguientes números:
>
>
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
>26 27
>
>
>
>Entonces:
>
>
>
> T-R-A-B-A-J-A-R = 21+19+1+2+1+10+1+19 = 74%
>
>
>
>y
>
>
>
> S-A-B-I-D-U-R-I-A = 20+1+2+9+4+22+19+1 = 78%
>
>
>
>Pero,
>
>
>
> D-E-S-E-M-P-E-Ñ-O = 4+5+20+5+13+17+5+15+16 = 100%
>
>
>
>y,
>
>
>
> M-E-N-T-I-R-A-S ! = 13+5+14+21+9+19+1+20 = 102%
>
>
>
>
>
>Y, mira lo lejos que te llevará lamer culos:
>
>
>
> L-A-M-E-R C-U-L-O-S = 12+1+13+5+19+3+22+12+16+20 = 123%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que, podemos concluir que es matemáticamente cierto que mientras que:
>
>
>
>"TRABAJAR" y tener "SABIDURIA" te ponen en buen camino
>
>
>
>"DESEMPEÑO" te hará llegar al 100%
>
>
>
> las "MENTIRAS" y "LAMER CULOS" te harán sobrepasar el 100%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que OJITO entonces cuando te digan que tinees que dar más del 100%
>100%?
>
>
>
>¿Alguna vez te has preguntado cómo son esas personas que dicen que dan MÁS
>del 100%?
>
>
>
>Todos hemos asistido a reuniones en las que alguien nos ha pedido que demos
>MÁS del 100%. ¿Qué te parece alcanzar el 103%?
>
>
>
>¿De qué está compuesto el 100% en esta vida?
>
>
>
>A continuación figura una simpe fórmula matemática que puede que te ayude a
> responder a estas preguntas:
>
>
>
>Si:
>
>
>
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N Ñ O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
>
>equivalen a los siguientes números:
>
>
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
>26 27
>
>
>
>Entonces:
>
>
>
> T-R-A-B-A-J-A-R = 21+19+1+2+1+10+1+19 = 74%
>
>
>
>y
>
>
>
> S-A-B-I-D-U-R-I-A = 20+1+2+9+4+22+19+1 = 78%
>
>
>
>Pero,
>
>
>
> D-E-S-E-M-P-E-Ñ-O = 4+5+20+5+13+17+5+15+16 = 100%
>
>
>
>y,
>
>
>
> M-E-N-T-I-R-A-S ! = 13+5+14+21+9+19+1+20 = 102%
>
>
>
>
>
>Y, mira lo lejos que te llevará lamer culos:
>
>
>
> L-A-M-E-R C-U-L-O-S = 12+1+13+5+19+3+22+12+16+20 = 123%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que, podemos concluir que es matemáticamente cierto que mientras que:
>
>
>
>"TRABAJAR" y tener "SABIDURIA" te ponen en buen camino
>
>
>
>"DESEMPEÑO" te hará llegar al 100%
>
>
>
> las "MENTIRAS" y "LAMER CULOS" te harán sobrepasar el 100%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que OJITO entonces cuando te digan que tinees que dar más del 100%
01 September, 2005
HOUSECLEANING TIPS FOR INTERNET JUNKIES
Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs. Any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot. If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!
Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!
Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.
Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......
Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.
Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!
Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!
Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.
Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......
Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.
Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!
Pussy Versus Beer
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
05 August, 2005
06 July, 2005
MAd Quotes IiI
“This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put.” -- Winston Churchill
"The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of mystery." -- Mary B. Yates
"I reject your reality and substitute my own!" -- Adam Savage
"Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now." -- Spaceballs
In the beginning the Universe was created . This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move . - Douglas Adams
If you see a snake , just kill it - don't appoint a committee on snakes . - H. Ross Perot
A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought . There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor . - Victor Hugo
They say it's the quiet ones you gotta watch . This is a very dangerous policy , I'm willing to bet anything that while you're busy watching a quiet one a noisy one will fubing kill you . - George Carlin
The Earth is the greatest repository of Bad Luck in the Universe . Even if you've been around for billions of years , this little planet will screw you up like nothing you've encountered before . Your aeons-old law enforcement organization will fold . Your loyal scouts will suddenly start deserting you like there's no tomorrow . If you eat planets , you will not be able to digest this one. The queen of your vast empire will fall for a guy from this world . - Mark Mohrfield
"Vogon Poetry is widely held to be the third worst poetry in the Galaxy"
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious." - corollary of Murphy's Law
"You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruti Loops on your front porch." - Suicidal Tendencies
"If there is anything more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now." - Zaphod Beeblebrox
"Waste more, want more." - Doug Luddwig
"f only we could lose touch with reality, there is no telling what level of success we could achieve." - Edward Gyurisin
"People think it must be fun to be a supergenius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world." - Calvin
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity.
But I know none and therefore am no beast. - Richard III, William Shakespeare
"We are all born mad. Some remain so." - Samuel Beckett
"Do you ever feel like you are dying. Everyone is born dying, so why do we feel in one difficult terrible moment so close to dying. Don't you wish you could be spread out like peanut butter." - Bridgette Richards
"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuupp" Michelangelo (tmnt)
"I'll be back" Arnold Schartzenneger
"If the man who invented the true was a lier is that mean the true is a lie?" found that in a grafity in public toillette
"Don't touch brun graphity" found at the same place
"You have to be aware" Jean-Claude Van Dame
"One by One, mankind can anderstand. But, togheter we are a bunch of idiots" tommy Lee Jones (M.I.B.)
Percy Bysshe Shelley (and Alan Moore)
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
"I like my coffee black just like my metal" Shut me Up, Mindless Self Indulgence.
"It takes months to build a house but five minutes to destroy it. Build anyway." Mother Theresa.
"The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is... 42" The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
"It's time to show your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes it means dying, sometimes it means killing a whole lot of people." Dwight, Sin City.
And a couple of comic-related quotes from the Black Mask in the current Batman run, written by Judd Winick, that I find really funny:
Li: Still... where there's smoke there's fire.
Black Mask: No, Where there's fire, there's fire and I have all the gasoline.
Black Mask: Just talk, I'm listening. But when I say "I'm listening" I'm also thinking about killing you.
Black Mask: yeah, well, I have anger management issues. I abate the urge by murdering the people that annoy me.
Black Mask: Li, will you please shut the hell up? I swear to God it's like running a criminal organization with my mother.
"You know our country is in trouble when our bombs are smarter than our president"
1.While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
2.When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
3.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
4.The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
5. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
6. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
7. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
8. Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
9. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
10.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Before all else , be armed . - Niccolo Machiavelli
Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle , hypocritical , and greedy of gain . - Niccolo Machiavelli
A man may be a fool and not know it , but not if he is married . - H. L. Mencken
All government , of course , is against liberty . - H. L. Mencken
All men are frauds . The only difference between them is that some admit it . I myself deny it . - H. L. Mencken
"There lived many brave men before Agamemnon, but all are overwhelmed in unending night, unmourned and unknown, because they lack a poet to give them immortality." Horace
"I don't know how many of them it would have taken to kick my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use." Ron White
"When men become desperate they consult the gods. And when the gods become desperate, they tell lies." Lukhangwa
"Luck never gives, only lends." Swedish proverb
"That's the great advantage of making the same mistake a lot of times. You come to know it, and you can study it and get inside it, really make it yours." Joe Farrell
"Falling in love is the first mistake in life." Bei Dao
"Sounds like the modern high-tech equivalent of trying to peel your beer label off in one piece." Shane Douglas
"History is not the past; it is oour just-so story of the present, why things are the way they are." Joel GAzis-SAx
"These are those who came this way without the Cup of Sympathy. Each imagines the others to be terrifying demons and thinks he acts only in self-defense. Tragic and ironic, is it not?" Nud the Allmousey
"In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed; but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love. They had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock." Harry Lime
Seinfeld
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Army of Darkness
Sheila: You found me beautiful once...
Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."
-Joseph Stalin
personally i live by this one:
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before."
-Mae West
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
- Peter O'Toole
Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchhill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."
Bessie Braddock: "Winston, your drunk!
Churchill: "Bessie, your ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober
Sir Winston Churchill
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
Albert Einstein
"if video games realll effected us as children, we'd all be sitting around in dark rooms listening to repetitive electronic music munching on pills"
-who knows
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin Franklin
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. --Benjamin Franklin
Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon -- Flogging Molly
Doctor: Mr. Bertenshaw?
Mr. B: Me, Doctor.
Doctor: No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
-Monty Python
Jonathan Swift:
"When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign: that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him."
"What matters isn't being applauded when you arrive -- for that is common -- but being missed when you leave." Baltasar Gracian
"The brother hood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality." Oscar Wilde
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." Paul Fix
"When I think over what I have said, I envy dumb people." Seneca
"Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I am delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever." Baron Munchausen
"Take the world population, divide by one, and see how important you are." Charles Trenk
"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life." George Bernard Shaw
"We slept like babies. We woke up every two hours and cried." Todd Skinner
"An object at rest cannot be stopped!" The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight
"A philosopher might say that Joshua Norton was not wrong in his conviction that he was the emperor of the United States; he simply failed to convince the American people that they were his subjects." Dr. David Weeks
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." ~ Albert Einstein
"He who cannot do what he wishes, must needs do as he can" ~ Proverb
"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure" ~ Pride & Prejudice
"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." ~ Paul Erdos
"Be somebody, or be somebody's fool."
The immortal poet, Laurence Turead aka Mr. T
A-Team
Murdock: I'm not nuts, I'm condiments. I've been promoted.
Red Dwarf
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
Dogma
Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier then the faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Return of the Living Dead
Zombie: Get this damn screwdriver out of my head!
Hellraiser
No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering!
Hellraiser 3
Pinhead: Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Joey: I don't believe you.
Pinhead: Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart
"Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson." Vernon Law
"If I am a gentleman and you are a gentleman, who will milk the cow?" Irish folk saying
"I never drive faster than I can see." Jack Burton
"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it." J. Jenkins
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy." Goethe
"Oh, about beer I never lie. A man who lies about beer makes enemies." Judson Crandall
"Is the soul itself a hell from which only demons gibber?" CG Jung
"Its legs are too short to reach the ground." Dean Fellabaum
"If you wish to drown, don't torture yourself with shallow waters." Belgian proverb
"Strange is man when he seeks after his gods." Robert Ripley (believe it or not)
"The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of mystery." -- Mary B. Yates
"I reject your reality and substitute my own!" -- Adam Savage
"Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now." -- Spaceballs
In the beginning the Universe was created . This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move . - Douglas Adams
If you see a snake , just kill it - don't appoint a committee on snakes . - H. Ross Perot
A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought . There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor . - Victor Hugo
They say it's the quiet ones you gotta watch . This is a very dangerous policy , I'm willing to bet anything that while you're busy watching a quiet one a noisy one will fubing kill you . - George Carlin
The Earth is the greatest repository of Bad Luck in the Universe . Even if you've been around for billions of years , this little planet will screw you up like nothing you've encountered before . Your aeons-old law enforcement organization will fold . Your loyal scouts will suddenly start deserting you like there's no tomorrow . If you eat planets , you will not be able to digest this one. The queen of your vast empire will fall for a guy from this world . - Mark Mohrfield
"Vogon Poetry is widely held to be the third worst poetry in the Galaxy"
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious." - corollary of Murphy's Law
"You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruti Loops on your front porch." - Suicidal Tendencies
"If there is anything more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now." - Zaphod Beeblebrox
"Waste more, want more." - Doug Luddwig
"f only we could lose touch with reality, there is no telling what level of success we could achieve." - Edward Gyurisin
"People think it must be fun to be a supergenius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world." - Calvin
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity.
But I know none and therefore am no beast. - Richard III, William Shakespeare
"We are all born mad. Some remain so." - Samuel Beckett
"Do you ever feel like you are dying. Everyone is born dying, so why do we feel in one difficult terrible moment so close to dying. Don't you wish you could be spread out like peanut butter." - Bridgette Richards
"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuupp" Michelangelo (tmnt)
"I'll be back" Arnold Schartzenneger
"If the man who invented the true was a lier is that mean the true is a lie?" found that in a grafity in public toillette
"Don't touch brun graphity" found at the same place
"You have to be aware" Jean-Claude Van Dame
"One by One, mankind can anderstand. But, togheter we are a bunch of idiots" tommy Lee Jones (M.I.B.)
Percy Bysshe Shelley (and Alan Moore)
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
"I like my coffee black just like my metal" Shut me Up, Mindless Self Indulgence.
"It takes months to build a house but five minutes to destroy it. Build anyway." Mother Theresa.
"The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is... 42" The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
"It's time to show your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes it means dying, sometimes it means killing a whole lot of people." Dwight, Sin City.
And a couple of comic-related quotes from the Black Mask in the current Batman run, written by Judd Winick, that I find really funny:
Li: Still... where there's smoke there's fire.
Black Mask: No, Where there's fire, there's fire and I have all the gasoline.
Black Mask: Just talk, I'm listening. But when I say "I'm listening" I'm also thinking about killing you.
Black Mask: yeah, well, I have anger management issues. I abate the urge by murdering the people that annoy me.
Black Mask: Li, will you please shut the hell up? I swear to God it's like running a criminal organization with my mother.
"You know our country is in trouble when our bombs are smarter than our president"
1.While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
2.When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
3.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
4.The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
5. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
6. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
7. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
8. Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
9. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
10.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Before all else , be armed . - Niccolo Machiavelli
Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle , hypocritical , and greedy of gain . - Niccolo Machiavelli
A man may be a fool and not know it , but not if he is married . - H. L. Mencken
All government , of course , is against liberty . - H. L. Mencken
All men are frauds . The only difference between them is that some admit it . I myself deny it . - H. L. Mencken
"There lived many brave men before Agamemnon, but all are overwhelmed in unending night, unmourned and unknown, because they lack a poet to give them immortality." Horace
"I don't know how many of them it would have taken to kick my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use." Ron White
"When men become desperate they consult the gods. And when the gods become desperate, they tell lies." Lukhangwa
"Luck never gives, only lends." Swedish proverb
"That's the great advantage of making the same mistake a lot of times. You come to know it, and you can study it and get inside it, really make it yours." Joe Farrell
"Falling in love is the first mistake in life." Bei Dao
"Sounds like the modern high-tech equivalent of trying to peel your beer label off in one piece." Shane Douglas
"History is not the past; it is oour just-so story of the present, why things are the way they are." Joel GAzis-SAx
"These are those who came this way without the Cup of Sympathy. Each imagines the others to be terrifying demons and thinks he acts only in self-defense. Tragic and ironic, is it not?" Nud the Allmousey
"In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed; but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love. They had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock." Harry Lime
Seinfeld
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Army of Darkness
Sheila: You found me beautiful once...
Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic."
-Joseph Stalin
personally i live by this one:
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before."
-Mae West
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
- Peter O'Toole
Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchhill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."
Bessie Braddock: "Winston, your drunk!
Churchill: "Bessie, your ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober
Sir Winston Churchill
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
Albert Einstein
"if video games realll effected us as children, we'd all be sitting around in dark rooms listening to repetitive electronic music munching on pills"
-who knows
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin Franklin
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. --Benjamin Franklin
Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon -- Flogging Molly
Doctor: Mr. Bertenshaw?
Mr. B: Me, Doctor.
Doctor: No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
-Monty Python
Jonathan Swift:
"When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign: that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him."
"What matters isn't being applauded when you arrive -- for that is common -- but being missed when you leave." Baltasar Gracian
"The brother hood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality." Oscar Wilde
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." Paul Fix
"When I think over what I have said, I envy dumb people." Seneca
"Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I am delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever." Baron Munchausen
"Take the world population, divide by one, and see how important you are." Charles Trenk
"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life." George Bernard Shaw
"We slept like babies. We woke up every two hours and cried." Todd Skinner
"An object at rest cannot be stopped!" The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight
"A philosopher might say that Joshua Norton was not wrong in his conviction that he was the emperor of the United States; he simply failed to convince the American people that they were his subjects." Dr. David Weeks
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." ~ Albert Einstein
"He who cannot do what he wishes, must needs do as he can" ~ Proverb
"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure" ~ Pride & Prejudice
"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." ~ Paul Erdos
"Be somebody, or be somebody's fool."
The immortal poet, Laurence Turead aka Mr. T
A-Team
Murdock: I'm not nuts, I'm condiments. I've been promoted.
Red Dwarf
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
Dogma
Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier then the faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Return of the Living Dead
Zombie: Get this damn screwdriver out of my head!
Hellraiser
No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering!
Hellraiser 3
Pinhead: Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Joey: I don't believe you.
Pinhead: Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart
"Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson." Vernon Law
"If I am a gentleman and you are a gentleman, who will milk the cow?" Irish folk saying
"I never drive faster than I can see." Jack Burton
"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it." J. Jenkins
"When ideas fail, words come in very handy." Goethe
"Oh, about beer I never lie. A man who lies about beer makes enemies." Judson Crandall
"Is the soul itself a hell from which only demons gibber?" CG Jung
"Its legs are too short to reach the ground." Dean Fellabaum
"If you wish to drown, don't torture yourself with shallow waters." Belgian proverb
"Strange is man when he seeks after his gods." Robert Ripley (believe it or not)
MAd Quotes Ii
True companionship is not often found in people but in books and dreams. (Anais Nin)
"A meeting between two beings who comlete one another, who are made for each other, borders already, in my opinion, on a miracle."
"That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die."
HP Lovercraft
"Had I not know I was dead already I would have mourned my loss of life"
Some Samurai's Dying Words
"Hope, Which Comes To All, Comes Not Here."
Milton
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so" - Ford Prefect in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"When in doubt: fubi it." - me. It's one of the rules I live my life by.
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
Marcus Aurelius
"We will rip out their living guts, and use them to grease the treads of our tanks..."
Patton
1. "Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out all the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them." Christopher John Francis Boone
2. "Her heart was an empty kitchen: floor tiles and water pipes and a drainboard with pale scrubbed surfaces, and one abandoned glass on the edge of teh sink that nobody cared about." Bob Arctor
3. "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river." Nikita Krushchev
4. "Solitudenim faciunt, et pacem appellant." (They made a desert and called it peace.) Tacitus
5. "You may get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, 9
6. "There is not one among us in whom a devil does not dwell. At some time, on some point, that devil masters each of us. It is not having been in the dark house, but having left it that counts." Teddy Roosevelt
7. "All things have conspired to show your greatness. The rest you must do for yourself. God is unwilling to do everything Himself lest He deprive us of our free will and of that portion of glory that belongs to us." Niccolo Machiavelli
8. "A long time ao, being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy." Charles Manson
9. "Women are like ideas. If they haven't been used to death, they weren't that good in the first place." JP Machewka
10. "There was a documentary on PBS recently about a guy who attempted a 350 year old math problem that everyone considered 'unsolvable.' He essentially locked himself in his attic for over seven years with jsut pencils and paper and worked on it. Finally, he went to a conference full of math fanatics. After a long lecture, he clamly wrote out the solution. He looked at something everyone else called impossible, tried it anyway, and got the damn thing done.
" At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being , only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is , ever be put together a second time . " - Friedrich Nietzsche
" And be on they guard against the good and the just ! They would fain curcify those who devise their own virtue - they hate the lonesome ones . " - Friedrich Nietzsche
"My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes the train home again, to find me waiting for him." - Sheena Easton
“The World is a beautiful place, and worth fighting for. I agree with the second part” – Morgan Freeman, Seven
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become monster. And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you” – Nietzsche
I like libraries. It makes me feel comfortable and secure to have walls of words, beautiful and wise, all around me. I always feel better when I can see that there is something to hold back the shadows.
Roger Zelazny
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Gandhi
You can kill a thousand; you can bring an end to life; you cannot kill an idea.
Acting Israeli Prime Minister, Shimon Peres on the assassination of Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
John Lennon
Everyone is an explorer. How could you possibly live your life looking at a door and not open it?
Robert D. Ballard
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
Winston Churchill, on formal declaration of war
They've got us surrounded again... the poor bastards!
Gen. Creighton W. Abrams
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
Jesse Jackson
An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hug
Let us endeavour to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain
Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes - Juvenal
'Who Watches the Watchers'
Where we are freeto act, we are free to refrain from acting, and where we are able to say no, wea re also able to say yes. - unknown
Hell is other people, and both of them are you - Paul McDermott
Life's harder the deeper you feel things - John Marsden
You live and learn. Or you don't live long - Lazarus Long
Yeild to temptation; it may not come your way again - Lazarus Long
Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.
Albert Einstein
Evil Sheila: You found me beautiful once.
Ash: Honey, you got real ugly.
More Ash:
"Aw baby, that was just pillow talk."
"Good? Bad? I'm the one with the gun."
" I got news for you, pal. You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and Sh**. And Jack left town."
"All right you primitive screwheads, listen up! See this? This is my BOOMstick!" - Ash
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things" - George Carlin
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but in the long run they are deadlier.
- Mark Twain
And a comic book quote:
"Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the b*****d who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes."
-Transmetropolitan #26
An armed society is a polite society . Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life . - Robert A. Heinlein
Next time I see you , remind me not to talk to you . - Groucho Marx
When you disarm the people , you commence to offend them and show that you distrust them either through cowardice or lack of confidence , and both of these opinions generate hatred ... - Niccolo Machiavelli
Puritanism . The haunting fear that someone , somewhere , may be happy . - H. L. Mencken
The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocities with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door . That's the only difference . - Ralph Nader
Every normal man must be tempted , at times , to spit on his hands , hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats . - H. L. Mencken
Life is hard but fortunately short
- Russian folk saying
Life ain't nuthin' but b****es and money
- Master P
Life sucks
- various people throughout history
You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style . - Vladimir Nabokov
Everything we hear is an opinion , not a fact . Everything we see is a perspective , not the truth . - Marcus Aurelius
No evil is honorable : but death is honorable ; therefore death is not evil . - Citium Zeno
You should examine yourself daily . If you find faults , you should correct them . When you find none , you should try even harder . - Xi Zhi
A piece of spaghetti or a military unit can only be led from the front end . - George S. Patton
I do not fear computers . I fear the lack of them . - Isaac Asimov
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed , most experts agree , is by accident . That's where we come in ; we're computer professionals . We cause accidents . - Nathaniel Borenstein
"And I suppose that was a Russian Water Tenticle spying on us just now?" The Abyss... let's leave it at that...If I try to spell Mary Elizabeth Mastriantangello, I'm sure to screw it up.
"I've got a bad feeling about this" any bit character about to die in any genre film ever made.
"for the love of GOD put my hair out Barbie" my 27 yr. old son holding a used bic lighter and a doll ...you had to be there...
"Georgeor, Georgeor" Ursula K Leguin
"Klatu Nicto Barada" Ash, Michael Rennie
"People are b*****d coated bastards, with a b*****d filling."
- Doctor Cox in some episode of Scrubs
"You're all clear kid, now let's blow this thing and go home."
- Han Solo in Star Wars, i get shivers down my spine just thinking of this line, best moment in movie history ever
Since everyone is quoting Ash:
"I fucked of to Costa Rica for a few months last year, I just hid in the jungle for a bit with the chimps".
- Tim Wheeler, about Free All Angels
Even if you do learn to speak correct English , whom are you going to speak it to ? - Clarence Darrow
If I ever marry , it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself . - H. L. Mencken
The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.-Norman Schwarzkopf
Science has promised us truth. It has never promised us either peace or happiness.-Gustave Le Bon
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.-Martin Luther King, Jr
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.-Franklin D. Roosevel
Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.-Johann von Goethe
Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.-Leonardo Da Vinci
Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.-Alex Karras
To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.-Confucius
My personal favs, and one more but dont know if its correct(but due remember laughing my ass off)
This feeling feels so great i wanna have sex with it.- dr cox (scrubs)
"hey, i'm a merc, you pay me enough and i'll shoot babies. I mean, i won't like it, but i'll do it"
Deadpool
"A meeting between two beings who comlete one another, who are made for each other, borders already, in my opinion, on a miracle."
"That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die."
HP Lovercraft
"Had I not know I was dead already I would have mourned my loss of life"
Some Samurai's Dying Words
"Hope, Which Comes To All, Comes Not Here."
Milton
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so" - Ford Prefect in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"When in doubt: fubi it." - me. It's one of the rules I live my life by.
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
Marcus Aurelius
"We will rip out their living guts, and use them to grease the treads of our tanks..."
Patton
1. "Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out all the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them." Christopher John Francis Boone
2. "Her heart was an empty kitchen: floor tiles and water pipes and a drainboard with pale scrubbed surfaces, and one abandoned glass on the edge of teh sink that nobody cared about." Bob Arctor
3. "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river." Nikita Krushchev
4. "Solitudenim faciunt, et pacem appellant." (They made a desert and called it peace.) Tacitus
5. "You may get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, 9
6. "There is not one among us in whom a devil does not dwell. At some time, on some point, that devil masters each of us. It is not having been in the dark house, but having left it that counts." Teddy Roosevelt
7. "All things have conspired to show your greatness. The rest you must do for yourself. God is unwilling to do everything Himself lest He deprive us of our free will and of that portion of glory that belongs to us." Niccolo Machiavelli
8. "A long time ao, being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy." Charles Manson
9. "Women are like ideas. If they haven't been used to death, they weren't that good in the first place." JP Machewka
10. "There was a documentary on PBS recently about a guy who attempted a 350 year old math problem that everyone considered 'unsolvable.' He essentially locked himself in his attic for over seven years with jsut pencils and paper and worked on it. Finally, he went to a conference full of math fanatics. After a long lecture, he clamly wrote out the solution. He looked at something everyone else called impossible, tried it anyway, and got the damn thing done.
" At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being , only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is , ever be put together a second time . " - Friedrich Nietzsche
" And be on they guard against the good and the just ! They would fain curcify those who devise their own virtue - they hate the lonesome ones . " - Friedrich Nietzsche
"My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes the train home again, to find me waiting for him." - Sheena Easton
“The World is a beautiful place, and worth fighting for. I agree with the second part” – Morgan Freeman, Seven
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become monster. And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you” – Nietzsche
I like libraries. It makes me feel comfortable and secure to have walls of words, beautiful and wise, all around me. I always feel better when I can see that there is something to hold back the shadows.
Roger Zelazny
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Gandhi
You can kill a thousand; you can bring an end to life; you cannot kill an idea.
Acting Israeli Prime Minister, Shimon Peres on the assassination of Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
John Lennon
Everyone is an explorer. How could you possibly live your life looking at a door and not open it?
Robert D. Ballard
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
Winston Churchill, on formal declaration of war
They've got us surrounded again... the poor bastards!
Gen. Creighton W. Abrams
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
Jesse Jackson
An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hug
Let us endeavour to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain
Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes - Juvenal
'Who Watches the Watchers'
Where we are freeto act, we are free to refrain from acting, and where we are able to say no, wea re also able to say yes. - unknown
Hell is other people, and both of them are you - Paul McDermott
Life's harder the deeper you feel things - John Marsden
You live and learn. Or you don't live long - Lazarus Long
Yeild to temptation; it may not come your way again - Lazarus Long
Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.
Albert Einstein
Evil Sheila: You found me beautiful once.
Ash: Honey, you got real ugly.
More Ash:
"Aw baby, that was just pillow talk."
"Good? Bad? I'm the one with the gun."
" I got news for you, pal. You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and Sh**. And Jack left town."
"All right you primitive screwheads, listen up! See this? This is my BOOMstick!" - Ash
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things" - George Carlin
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but in the long run they are deadlier.
- Mark Twain
And a comic book quote:
"Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the b*****d who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes."
-Transmetropolitan #26
An armed society is a polite society . Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life . - Robert A. Heinlein
Next time I see you , remind me not to talk to you . - Groucho Marx
When you disarm the people , you commence to offend them and show that you distrust them either through cowardice or lack of confidence , and both of these opinions generate hatred ... - Niccolo Machiavelli
Puritanism . The haunting fear that someone , somewhere , may be happy . - H. L. Mencken
The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocities with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door . That's the only difference . - Ralph Nader
Every normal man must be tempted , at times , to spit on his hands , hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats . - H. L. Mencken
Life is hard but fortunately short
- Russian folk saying
Life ain't nuthin' but b****es and money
- Master P
Life sucks
- various people throughout history
You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style . - Vladimir Nabokov
Everything we hear is an opinion , not a fact . Everything we see is a perspective , not the truth . - Marcus Aurelius
No evil is honorable : but death is honorable ; therefore death is not evil . - Citium Zeno
You should examine yourself daily . If you find faults , you should correct them . When you find none , you should try even harder . - Xi Zhi
A piece of spaghetti or a military unit can only be led from the front end . - George S. Patton
I do not fear computers . I fear the lack of them . - Isaac Asimov
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed , most experts agree , is by accident . That's where we come in ; we're computer professionals . We cause accidents . - Nathaniel Borenstein
"And I suppose that was a Russian Water Tenticle spying on us just now?" The Abyss... let's leave it at that...If I try to spell Mary Elizabeth Mastriantangello, I'm sure to screw it up.
"I've got a bad feeling about this" any bit character about to die in any genre film ever made.
"for the love of GOD put my hair out Barbie" my 27 yr. old son holding a used bic lighter and a doll ...you had to be there...
"Georgeor, Georgeor" Ursula K Leguin
"Klatu Nicto Barada" Ash, Michael Rennie
"People are b*****d coated bastards, with a b*****d filling."
- Doctor Cox in some episode of Scrubs
"You're all clear kid, now let's blow this thing and go home."
- Han Solo in Star Wars, i get shivers down my spine just thinking of this line, best moment in movie history ever
Since everyone is quoting Ash:
"I fucked of to Costa Rica for a few months last year, I just hid in the jungle for a bit with the chimps".
- Tim Wheeler, about Free All Angels
Even if you do learn to speak correct English , whom are you going to speak it to ? - Clarence Darrow
If I ever marry , it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself . - H. L. Mencken
The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.-Norman Schwarzkopf
Science has promised us truth. It has never promised us either peace or happiness.-Gustave Le Bon
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.-Martin Luther King, Jr
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.-Franklin D. Roosevel
Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.-Johann von Goethe
Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.-Leonardo Da Vinci
Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.-Alex Karras
To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.-Confucius
My personal favs, and one more but dont know if its correct(but due remember laughing my ass off)
This feeling feels so great i wanna have sex with it.- dr cox (scrubs)
"hey, i'm a merc, you pay me enough and i'll shoot babies. I mean, i won't like it, but i'll do it"
Deadpool
MAd Quotes
Not to know what has been transacted in former times is to be always a child. If no use is made of the labors of past ages, the world must remain always in the infancy of knowledge.
- Cicero
"God is not on the side of the big battalions, but of the best shots."
~Voltaire
"Veni, Vedi, Vici (I came, I saw, I conquered)"
~Julius Ceasar
Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat."
~Jesse Ventura, former Navy SEAL, and now Governor of Minnisotta
Intelligence is the world's second-oldest profession. It differs from the oldest profession in that it is more immoral and more commonly practiced by amateurs.
~Unknown
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
~General George S. Patton
"Walk away. Find something else to do. Because the life you save may be your own."
--Arn Anderson
"In order to be the man, you gotta beat the man."
--Ric Flair
"Mongo only pawn in game of life."
--Mongo
"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire 5 shots or 6. To tell you the truth, in all the excitement I lost count myself. So the thing you gotta ask yourself is do you feel lucky. Well, do you feel lucky, punk?"
--Insp. Harry Callahan
Justice League
Batman: I'm not really a people person. But when you need help, and you will, call me.
Hawkgirl: That's fast.
The Flash: Yeah, fastest man alive.
Hawkgirl: Which might explain why you can't get a date.
Flash: (J'onn having suggested they travel in civvies) "Hold on a second here. What about the whole secret identity thing? I mean, I trust you guys but I'm not sure I'm ready to--"
Batman: "Wally West. Clark Kent. (removes his own cowl). Bruce Wayne."
Flash: "...showoff."
Clone High
Shadowy Board Leader: Listen we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable
Scudworth: Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch.
Announcer: Next time on a very special clone high, Will Abe and Joans student films reveal their true feelings for one other? How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? And what will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you but I haven't seen the episode yet, they were supposed to send it to me but there's this guy at work who totally hates me, if he gets me fired I'm going to kill his dog...
[show ends]
Invader Zim
Ms. Bitters: Children, your performance in the school fundraiser was pathetic. Your parents will receive phone calls instructing them to love you less.
Gir: I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a while. KAY?
Stargate SG-1
Jack O'Neill: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure - he is concealing it
General George S. Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?
Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then, I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train. --Murphy's law
I'm vahklempt. Talk amongst yahselves... --Mike Myers (SNL)
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. -- Mark Twain
Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk. --Anonymous
and now one of my favorite shows:
Red Dwarf:
Kryten: "But if people see my face, what are they going to think?"
Rimmer: "Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out."
Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with. " -- Rimmer
How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep. --Cat
Don't try to argue with an idiot. They'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
~Anonymous
If I owned this place and Hell, I'd rent this place out and live in Hell.
~Toombs - Chronicles of Riddick
If there's any doubt, there is no doubt.
~Sam - Ronin
I know I'm a smartass. It's better that being a dumbass.
~Ghoste
Why are your eyeballs so big?
~Some pissed wanker I met on Saturday night
Patience in all things.
~I wish I knew who said this first, they're words to live by.
Whats a dazzeling urbanite like you doing in a place like this?
-Blazing saddles
Han: You could use a good kiss.
Leia: I'd rather kiss a wookie.
Han: I can arrange that!
"veni, vidi, visa"
I came, I saw, I went shopping...
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Spike Milligan
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan
Every now and then--call it a conjoining of the stars, call it serendipity, call it happenstance--there comes a time when people and events that have no business being together are juxtaposed into some hypercosmic nexus. It is in those moments that magic is real...that the dead truly speak to the living...that the doors between worlds are opened for a few moments...only moments. But in those moments one can live centuries.
-S.P. Somtow, "Temple of Night"
Awe is the response of the rational mind to the fact that the universe exceeds it's comprehension.
-I have no idea where this quote is from...
"The world is just an illusion. We're just actors in a dream."
-Bennie, "The Irrefutable Truth About Demons"
"We are the universe trying to understand itself."
-Delenn, "Babylon 5"
The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crises, preserved their neutrality.
Dante's Inferno
An eye for an eye leave the whole world blind.
Ghandi
Hail to the king, baby
Ash in Army of Darkness
'Cause, remember, no matter where you go..... there you are.
Buckaroo Banzi
From hell's heart I stab at thee.... For hate's sake... I spit my last breath at thee!
Khan , Star Trek II
"The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters."
Ghengis Khan (circa 1226)
You're not outnumbered; you're just in a target-rich environment.
unknown
"WIZARD PARKING ONLY"... All Others Will Be Toad.
Unknown
Meesa Jar Jar Binks of Borg! Yousa gonna be Assim'lated!
Someone with too much time on thier hands!
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of good alcohol."
Ralph Puke. An ethically challenged merchant and bullfighter.
"Only the Phoenix rises and does not descend. And everything changes. And nothing is truly lost." -from Sandman
From dodgeball - "You're about as useless as a poop flavored lollipop"
"Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'" -Peter Griffin
And now for some great Chappelle show quotes:
"Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?" - Prince
"Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it." - Tyrone Biggums
"You wanna know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... delicious." - Tyrone Biggums
"I CAN'T STOP YELLIN' CAUSE THAT'S HOW I TALK. EVER SEEN MY MOVIES? JUICE! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE! DEEP BLUE SEA! THEY ATE ME! A F@#$%^& SHARK ATE ME! JURASSIC PARK!" - Samuel L Jackson
"A man's best friend is his dogma"
- Timothy Leary
"We came, we saw, we kicked its ass."
Dr. Peter Venkman
"Back off man, I'm a scientist."
Dr. Peter Venkman
"It's true, this man has no d---"
Dr. Peter Venkman
"Excuse me while I whip this out."
Bart
"Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim."
The Waco Kid
You know that fine line between insanity and genius? You're not supposed to use it as a jumprope!" -- Jarrett Carberry
"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Interrogative?"
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: They know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." -- Irish playwright Brendan Behan
paranoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
Ash - Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.
Rick Mercer - If you were a protestor in Canada would you climb on top of Peter Mans Bridge.
Jack Black from the Mr. Show movie - Give em just a little kick in the C**t
2 Quotes from Bubba Hotep - "What do I care, I got a growth on my pecker." and "Eat the dog Dick of Anubis, Asswipe"
Donnie Darko - Yeah, And I think you're the F**king Antichrist.
[edit] Okay have toi add the greatest quote I've heard in a long time by my buddy steve. this takes the cake as one of the stupidest things said in the past year.
"I like the zombies in Resident Evil because they act just like they do in real life."
- Cicero
"God is not on the side of the big battalions, but of the best shots."
~Voltaire
"Veni, Vedi, Vici (I came, I saw, I conquered)"
~Julius Ceasar
Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat."
~Jesse Ventura, former Navy SEAL, and now Governor of Minnisotta
Intelligence is the world's second-oldest profession. It differs from the oldest profession in that it is more immoral and more commonly practiced by amateurs.
~Unknown
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
~General George S. Patton
"Walk away. Find something else to do. Because the life you save may be your own."
--Arn Anderson
"In order to be the man, you gotta beat the man."
--Ric Flair
"Mongo only pawn in game of life."
--Mongo
"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire 5 shots or 6. To tell you the truth, in all the excitement I lost count myself. So the thing you gotta ask yourself is do you feel lucky. Well, do you feel lucky, punk?"
--Insp. Harry Callahan
Justice League
Batman: I'm not really a people person. But when you need help, and you will, call me.
Hawkgirl: That's fast.
The Flash: Yeah, fastest man alive.
Hawkgirl: Which might explain why you can't get a date.
Flash: (J'onn having suggested they travel in civvies) "Hold on a second here. What about the whole secret identity thing? I mean, I trust you guys but I'm not sure I'm ready to--"
Batman: "Wally West. Clark Kent. (removes his own cowl). Bruce Wayne."
Flash: "...showoff."
Clone High
Shadowy Board Leader: Listen we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable
Scudworth: Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch.
Announcer: Next time on a very special clone high, Will Abe and Joans student films reveal their true feelings for one other? How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? And what will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you but I haven't seen the episode yet, they were supposed to send it to me but there's this guy at work who totally hates me, if he gets me fired I'm going to kill his dog...
[show ends]
Invader Zim
Ms. Bitters: Children, your performance in the school fundraiser was pathetic. Your parents will receive phone calls instructing them to love you less.
Gir: I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a while. KAY?
Stargate SG-1
Jack O'Neill: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure - he is concealing it
General George S. Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?
Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then, I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train. --Murphy's law
I'm vahklempt. Talk amongst yahselves... --Mike Myers (SNL)
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. -- Mark Twain
Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk. --Anonymous
and now one of my favorite shows:
Red Dwarf:
Kryten: "But if people see my face, what are they going to think?"
Rimmer: "Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out."
Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with. " -- Rimmer
How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep. --Cat
Don't try to argue with an idiot. They'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
~Anonymous
If I owned this place and Hell, I'd rent this place out and live in Hell.
~Toombs - Chronicles of Riddick
If there's any doubt, there is no doubt.
~Sam - Ronin
I know I'm a smartass. It's better that being a dumbass.
~Ghoste
Why are your eyeballs so big?
~Some pissed wanker I met on Saturday night
Patience in all things.
~I wish I knew who said this first, they're words to live by.
Whats a dazzeling urbanite like you doing in a place like this?
-Blazing saddles
Han: You could use a good kiss.
Leia: I'd rather kiss a wookie.
Han: I can arrange that!
"veni, vidi, visa"
I came, I saw, I went shopping...
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Spike Milligan
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan
Every now and then--call it a conjoining of the stars, call it serendipity, call it happenstance--there comes a time when people and events that have no business being together are juxtaposed into some hypercosmic nexus. It is in those moments that magic is real...that the dead truly speak to the living...that the doors between worlds are opened for a few moments...only moments. But in those moments one can live centuries.
-S.P. Somtow, "Temple of Night"
Awe is the response of the rational mind to the fact that the universe exceeds it's comprehension.
-I have no idea where this quote is from...
"The world is just an illusion. We're just actors in a dream."
-Bennie, "The Irrefutable Truth About Demons"
"We are the universe trying to understand itself."
-Delenn, "Babylon 5"
The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crises, preserved their neutrality.
Dante's Inferno
An eye for an eye leave the whole world blind.
Ghandi
Hail to the king, baby
Ash in Army of Darkness
'Cause, remember, no matter where you go..... there you are.
Buckaroo Banzi
From hell's heart I stab at thee.... For hate's sake... I spit my last breath at thee!
Khan , Star Trek II
"The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters."
Ghengis Khan (circa 1226)
You're not outnumbered; you're just in a target-rich environment.
unknown
"WIZARD PARKING ONLY"... All Others Will Be Toad.
Unknown
Meesa Jar Jar Binks of Borg! Yousa gonna be Assim'lated!
Someone with too much time on thier hands!
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of good alcohol."
Ralph Puke. An ethically challenged merchant and bullfighter.
"Only the Phoenix rises and does not descend. And everything changes. And nothing is truly lost." -from Sandman
From dodgeball - "You're about as useless as a poop flavored lollipop"
"Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'" -Peter Griffin
And now for some great Chappelle show quotes:
"Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?" - Prince
"Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it." - Tyrone Biggums
"You wanna know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... delicious." - Tyrone Biggums
"I CAN'T STOP YELLIN' CAUSE THAT'S HOW I TALK. EVER SEEN MY MOVIES? JUICE! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE! DEEP BLUE SEA! THEY ATE ME! A F@#$%^& SHARK ATE ME! JURASSIC PARK!" - Samuel L Jackson
"A man's best friend is his dogma"
- Timothy Leary
"We came, we saw, we kicked its ass."
Dr. Peter Venkman
"Back off man, I'm a scientist."
Dr. Peter Venkman
"It's true, this man has no d---"
Dr. Peter Venkman
"Excuse me while I whip this out."
Bart
"Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim."
The Waco Kid
You know that fine line between insanity and genius? You're not supposed to use it as a jumprope!" -- Jarrett Carberry
"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Interrogative?"
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: They know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." -- Irish playwright Brendan Behan
paranoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
Ash - Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.
Rick Mercer - If you were a protestor in Canada would you climb on top of Peter Mans Bridge.
Jack Black from the Mr. Show movie - Give em just a little kick in the C**t
2 Quotes from Bubba Hotep - "What do I care, I got a growth on my pecker." and "Eat the dog Dick of Anubis, Asswipe"
Donnie Darko - Yeah, And I think you're the F**king Antichrist.
[edit] Okay have toi add the greatest quote I've heard in a long time by my buddy steve. this takes the cake as one of the stupidest things said in the past year.
"I like the zombies in Resident Evil because they act just like they do in real life."
SAY 'I LOVE YOU' IN 102 LANGUAGES
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
English - I love you
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hu tunney prem karu chu
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese – Aishiteru
Kannada - Naa ninna preetisuve
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Malay - Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni
Marathi- Me tula prem karto (to female)
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te ubesk
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gradh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Naan unnai kathalikiraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
English - I love you
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hu tunney prem karu chu
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese – Aishiteru
Kannada - Naa ninna preetisuve
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Malay - Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni
Marathi- Me tula prem karto (to female)
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te ubesk
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gradh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Naan unnai kathalikiraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
28 June, 2005
To The Citizens Of The United States Of America
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminum”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.
There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ”-ize”.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies.We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).
14 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…..it’s Nuclear as in “clear” NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminum”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.
There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ”-ize”.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies.We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).
14 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…..it’s Nuclear as in “clear” NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
17 June, 2005
Waist-shake
From "I Can Only Love You For One Day":
"If you're wondering why I would hesistate to give him my email, well, exactly what I feared would happen did - the first few weeks, the only mails I recieved from him were either "Penis!!!" (in katakana English of course, so "Penisu!!!") or "Waist-shake!!!" "Waist-shake" being the word they invented for sexual intercourse. I'll have to explain that one some other time."
The Story:
One day I visited the soccer club at the Ghetto School. Actually, no, come to think of it, I was walking around, and they stopped me. First, they asked me what "waist" was in English. I told them. They then asked me what "shake" was, so I told them that as well. They then combined it into "waist-shake!" and started thrusting their crotches forward to simulate sexual intercourse.
....Um....no. Granted, we have a lot of words for the bump 'n grind, knockin da boots, the horizontal tango (etc...) but "waist-shake" is most definitely not one of them.
(For the record, my favorite phrase is "hitting it".)
I told them we didn't say that in English, but this actually seemed to work better for them, as they were thrilled that they'd just come up with a new English word for sexual intercourse.
They then started asking me about Harry Potter (the latest movie had just come out in Japan at that time). "Hermione's pretty cute" they said, winking at me and giving me the 'ol "Eh? Eh?" elbow nudge. I said she was cute...for a fourteen year old. But to me she was just a kid, nothing more. "Yeah," they said, "but she's just the right age for us!" Along with more of the winking and nudging. "Waist-shake?" I innocently and stupidly asked. This absolutely set them OFF, as they started pelvic-thrusting their way across the soccer field. I figured this was the best time to make my escape before any more damage was done.
Unfortunately, it became a fad or sorts for a while. The boys could say "waist-shake!" and nobody, Japanese or English speaker, knew what they were talking about. I'd see them sitting together in groups, and pointing at different girls and saying "Waist-shake? Oh yes, yes! Yes, waist-shake!" One day I was in class with the big-headed boyfriend teacher. She was going around asking students some simple questions. She came to one of the soccer boys. "What do you do afterschool?" She asks. The boy stands up and exclaims "waist-shake!" while doing the pelvic thrust. She, of course, had no idea what this meant, but in her curiousity, she looked at me, and while imitating the pelvic thrust motion, asked "waist-shake"?
...I honestly don't know how long it took the soccer boys in that class to stop laughing. They may actually still be laughing about it now.
The teacher really wanted to know what was so funny, and I just didn't have the heart to tell her she'd just unknowingly propositioned me for sex.
Luckily, the "waist-shake" craze has died down, but if it ever pops up in the urban dictionary or Wikipedia, we'll know who to blame. ...Not me.
"If you're wondering why I would hesistate to give him my email, well, exactly what I feared would happen did - the first few weeks, the only mails I recieved from him were either "Penis!!!" (in katakana English of course, so "Penisu!!!") or "Waist-shake!!!" "Waist-shake" being the word they invented for sexual intercourse. I'll have to explain that one some other time."
The Story:
One day I visited the soccer club at the Ghetto School. Actually, no, come to think of it, I was walking around, and they stopped me. First, they asked me what "waist" was in English. I told them. They then asked me what "shake" was, so I told them that as well. They then combined it into "waist-shake!" and started thrusting their crotches forward to simulate sexual intercourse.
....Um....no. Granted, we have a lot of words for the bump 'n grind, knockin da boots, the horizontal tango (etc...) but "waist-shake" is most definitely not one of them.
(For the record, my favorite phrase is "hitting it".)
I told them we didn't say that in English, but this actually seemed to work better for them, as they were thrilled that they'd just come up with a new English word for sexual intercourse.
They then started asking me about Harry Potter (the latest movie had just come out in Japan at that time). "Hermione's pretty cute" they said, winking at me and giving me the 'ol "Eh? Eh?" elbow nudge. I said she was cute...for a fourteen year old. But to me she was just a kid, nothing more. "Yeah," they said, "but she's just the right age for us!" Along with more of the winking and nudging. "Waist-shake?" I innocently and stupidly asked. This absolutely set them OFF, as they started pelvic-thrusting their way across the soccer field. I figured this was the best time to make my escape before any more damage was done.
Unfortunately, it became a fad or sorts for a while. The boys could say "waist-shake!" and nobody, Japanese or English speaker, knew what they were talking about. I'd see them sitting together in groups, and pointing at different girls and saying "Waist-shake? Oh yes, yes! Yes, waist-shake!" One day I was in class with the big-headed boyfriend teacher. She was going around asking students some simple questions. She came to one of the soccer boys. "What do you do afterschool?" She asks. The boy stands up and exclaims "waist-shake!" while doing the pelvic thrust. She, of course, had no idea what this meant, but in her curiousity, she looked at me, and while imitating the pelvic thrust motion, asked "waist-shake"?
...I honestly don't know how long it took the soccer boys in that class to stop laughing. They may actually still be laughing about it now.
The teacher really wanted to know what was so funny, and I just didn't have the heart to tell her she'd just unknowingly propositioned me for sex.
Luckily, the "waist-shake" craze has died down, but if it ever pops up in the urban dictionary or Wikipedia, we'll know who to blame. ...Not me.
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