1 - Módulo basico
Tres brujas miran tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué bruja mira qué reloj?
En inglés:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch
watch?
2 - Módulo avanzado
Tres brujas "travestis" miran los botones de tres relojes Swatch. ¿Qué
bruja travesti mira los botones de qué reloj Swatch?
En inglés :
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched
witch watch which Swatch watch switch?
16 September, 2005
15 September, 2005
IRC vs MSN
Hola chatters del mundo… Yo…venia a hablaros de la fusión iRC-Messenger.
Todo comienza con el iRC,obviamente, porque si no conoces a gente, no puedes tener amigos…ejem “amigos” en el MSN. Así que un día te levantas y dices..BIEN! Hoy voy a conocer gente y… quien sabe? Igual me hago algun noviete.(Soy chica por si no se habian dado cuenta). Entras en la sala…Pongamos por ejemplo… Canal #Castellón de… Ozú, que siempre está con más de 100 personas de las cuales hablan siempre las mismas y te llenan el general de líneas contándose su vida y poniendo interminables filas de.. xDDDDDD… Y diciendo hola apaaaaaa!! A todo kiski, sumados con los tropecientos mil que buscan sexo, amor, alguien inteligente con quien hablar… en fin, tu entras con tu nick normal de toda la vida… Ana20 y.. a las dos milésimas de segundo, empiezan los privados, la perdición. Bien veamos…
Hola guapa.¿Qué tal?
Bien.
Respuesta escueta para alguien que te dice guapa sin tener ni pajotera idea de quien eres…Sigamos… otro privado…
hl amor, kieres ver mis 30 cm x cam?
No!
Pum! Ignore, a este tipo de chatters o se aburren de pelársela o esq se piensan que todos somos iguales… (Por cierto Alavo a quien inventó el ignore, muy util , si señor ^.^)
Ui ahora otro privado..
m djas xupart l pie? K talla usas?
M dejas yamar al manicomio? Ande vives¿?
En fin hay de todo…
Después de media hora poniendo ignores y de leer el general… por hacer algo.. otro privado:
Hola, que tal?Quieres charlar un rato?
Bueno, de todos los privados hasta ahora… este es el más normal…Bien, le contestaremos…
Muy bien, y tu?¡
Bien, también… De donde eres chica?
Por fin! Uno normal! Hablamos ¾ de hora por el iRC y al final… decide preguntarme…
Oye, me caes muy bien, te importa que nos demos el MSN?
Vale, apunta…
Y lo añades al MSN. Y seguís hablando por ahí, parece que este ha salido bien.. pero… no es todo tan rosa…porque chateas todos los días y conoces gente… y.. al final tienes a 200 contactos de los cuales hablas con 20 como mucho, incluyendo amigos, familiares, tus ex novios, rolletes… y los demás es como si no existieran…y si te hablan es para preguntarte alguna duda, claro como eres informática pues.. a quién van a acudir sinó…, también para pedirte esa foto que te mandaron hace tropecientos años y que tú, obviamente has borrado…
Anita [Felicidad ahí voy!] dice:
Vaya, pues no se donde la tendré, lo siento.
-Fran- ||Cuando te dan fuerte, duele|| dice:
Jooo xro si t la pasé hace un año solo!!!! Mala que eres :(
Y tú.. que si ale pírate. Y no se la pasas.
Luego están los típicos que agregas por aburrimiento… y luego resulta que son almas en pena que buscan pareja desesperadamente…
.:MaNu:. Cuando te encontrare? dice:
Hla q tal, tenes nvio?
Es lo primero que preguntan, así que cuidado con esos que van al ataquer.
Y tú no sabes que contestar… si le digo que sí… se irá pero mi conciencia no estará tranquila.. si le digo que no, se le abrirá un cielo y se enamorará de mi ipsofacto… Decides decirle:
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
No tengo… xo me gusta un chico
Ahí se cortan un poco , pero siguen insistiendo…
Y entre toda esta fauna… están los salidos, que son los mejores.
Kieres k m corra para ti?
No gracias, correte pa tu madre majo :D
Y pum! Ignore.
Luego están los que te engañan y hacen cualquier cosa con tal de enseñarte la churra por la cam…
Ejemplo.. en el msn.. con su cam puesta…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ah pos nostas mal eh jeje
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Gracias… quieres ver algo mas?
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ehm nono, con tu cara yasta bien
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Ah vale! Jeje….
Y zas! Baja la cámara y apunta al asunto en cuestión… y tu…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Vale, venga muy bonita ale adiós
Y lo pones sin admisión…
Y entre toda esta fauna.. esperas encontrar a alguna persona decente como tú que no hable de sexo , ni te enseñe su nabo por la cam… y a veces la encuentras, y a veces….pos no xD.
Todo comienza con el iRC,obviamente, porque si no conoces a gente, no puedes tener amigos…ejem “amigos” en el MSN. Así que un día te levantas y dices..BIEN! Hoy voy a conocer gente y… quien sabe? Igual me hago algun noviete.(Soy chica por si no se habian dado cuenta). Entras en la sala…Pongamos por ejemplo… Canal #Castellón de… Ozú, que siempre está con más de 100 personas de las cuales hablan siempre las mismas y te llenan el general de líneas contándose su vida y poniendo interminables filas de.. xDDDDDD… Y diciendo hola apaaaaaa!! A todo kiski, sumados con los tropecientos mil que buscan sexo, amor, alguien inteligente con quien hablar… en fin, tu entras con tu nick normal de toda la vida… Ana20 y.. a las dos milésimas de segundo, empiezan los privados, la perdición. Bien veamos…
Respuesta escueta para alguien que te dice guapa sin tener ni pajotera idea de quien eres…Sigamos… otro privado…
Pum! Ignore, a este tipo de chatters o se aburren de pelársela o esq se piensan que todos somos iguales… (Por cierto Alavo a quien inventó el ignore, muy util , si señor ^.^)
Ui ahora otro privado..
En fin hay de todo…
Después de media hora poniendo ignores y de leer el general… por hacer algo.. otro privado:
Bueno, de todos los privados hasta ahora… este es el más normal…Bien, le contestaremos…
Por fin! Uno normal! Hablamos ¾ de hora por el iRC y al final… decide preguntarme…
Y lo añades al MSN. Y seguís hablando por ahí, parece que este ha salido bien.. pero… no es todo tan rosa…porque chateas todos los días y conoces gente… y.. al final tienes a 200 contactos de los cuales hablas con 20 como mucho, incluyendo amigos, familiares, tus ex novios, rolletes… y los demás es como si no existieran…y si te hablan es para preguntarte alguna duda, claro como eres informática pues.. a quién van a acudir sinó…, también para pedirte esa foto que te mandaron hace tropecientos años y que tú, obviamente has borrado…
Anita [Felicidad ahí voy!] dice:
Vaya, pues no se donde la tendré, lo siento.
-Fran- ||Cuando te dan fuerte, duele|| dice:
Jooo xro si t la pasé hace un año solo!!!! Mala que eres :(
Y tú.. que si ale pírate. Y no se la pasas.
Luego están los típicos que agregas por aburrimiento… y luego resulta que son almas en pena que buscan pareja desesperadamente…
.:MaNu:. Cuando te encontrare? dice:
Hla q tal, tenes nvio?
Es lo primero que preguntan, así que cuidado con esos que van al ataquer.
Y tú no sabes que contestar… si le digo que sí… se irá pero mi conciencia no estará tranquila.. si le digo que no, se le abrirá un cielo y se enamorará de mi ipsofacto… Decides decirle:
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
No tengo… xo me gusta un chico
Ahí se cortan un poco , pero siguen insistiendo…
Y entre toda esta fauna… están los salidos, que son los mejores.
Y pum! Ignore.
Luego están los que te engañan y hacen cualquier cosa con tal de enseñarte la churra por la cam…
Ejemplo.. en el msn.. con su cam puesta…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ah pos nostas mal eh jeje
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Gracias… quieres ver algo mas?
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Ehm nono, con tu cara yasta bien
Pikote69[El sexo sin amor mola!] dice:
Ah vale! Jeje….
Y zas! Baja la cámara y apunta al asunto en cuestión… y tu…
Anita[Felicidad, ahí voy!] dice:
Vale, venga muy bonita ale adiós
Y lo pones sin admisión…
Y entre toda esta fauna.. esperas encontrar a alguna persona decente como tú que no hable de sexo , ni te enseñe su nabo por la cam… y a veces la encuentras, y a veces….pos no xD.
13 September, 2005
Great Beer Quotes
I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
Abraham Lincoln
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer.
Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
The roots and herbs beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengthen and quicken the sight of the eyes.
Nicholas Culpeper
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer.
Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet
Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.
Homer Simpson
Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health.
Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety.
Shakespeare, Henry V
Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop.
Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944
We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old.
Martin Luther
Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods.
Bruce Carlton
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.
John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough
An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer.
Confucius
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
Whitstran Brewery sign
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Unknown"
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Abraham Lincoln
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer.
Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
The roots and herbs beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengthen and quicken the sight of the eyes.
Nicholas Culpeper
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer.
Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet
Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.
Homer Simpson
Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health.
Anonymous
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety.
Shakespeare, Henry V
Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop.
Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944
We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old.
Martin Luther
Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods.
Bruce Carlton
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.
John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough
An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer.
Confucius
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
Whitstran Brewery sign
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Unknown"
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
10 September, 2005
Carta con moraleja
>Un soldado español destinado en Irak recibe una carta de su novia desde
>España.
>La carta decía lo siguiente:
>"Querido Luis:
>Ya no puedo continuar con esta relación. La distancia que nos separa es
>demasiado grande.
>Tengo que admitir que te he sido infiel dos veces desde que te fuiste y
>creo
>que ni tu ni yo nos merecemos esto, lo siento.
>Por favor devuélveme la foto que te envié.
>Con amor, María."
>
>
>
>El soldado, muy herido, le pidió a todos sus compañeros que le regalaran
>fotos de sus novias, hermanas, amigas, tías, primas, etc. Junto con la foto
>de María incluyó todas esas otras fotos que había recolectado de sus
>amigos.
>
>Había 57 fotos en el sobre y una nota que decía:
>"Querida María:
>perdóname, pero no puedo recordar quien eres.
>Por favor, busca tu foto en el paquete y me devuelves el resto."
>
>
>
>
>
>MORALEJA: Aún derrotado... hay que SABER JODER AL ENEMIGO.
>España.
>La carta decía lo siguiente:
>"Querido Luis:
>Ya no puedo continuar con esta relación. La distancia que nos separa es
>demasiado grande.
>Tengo que admitir que te he sido infiel dos veces desde que te fuiste y
>creo
>que ni tu ni yo nos merecemos esto, lo siento.
>Por favor devuélveme la foto que te envié.
>Con amor, María."
>
>
>
>El soldado, muy herido, le pidió a todos sus compañeros que le regalaran
>fotos de sus novias, hermanas, amigas, tías, primas, etc. Junto con la foto
>de María incluyó todas esas otras fotos que había recolectado de sus
>amigos.
>
>Había 57 fotos en el sobre y una nota que decía:
>"Querida María:
>perdóname, pero no puedo recordar quien eres.
>Por favor, busca tu foto en el paquete y me devuelves el resto."
>
>
>
>
>
>MORALEJA: Aún derrotado... hay que SABER JODER AL ENEMIGO.
08 September, 2005
Memorable Quotes from Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory
Sam Fisher: Lasers? Lasers are so...
Anna: Nineties?
Sam Fisher: I was going to say 'Seventies'. Would you stop making me feel old?
Anna: I have bad news for you, Sam. You ARE old.
[Fisher shoots a civilian who was tortured to death]
Irving Lambert: Fisher! What the hell are you doing?
Sam Fisher: Making sure he wasn't suffering.
Irving Lambert: Well, NATO rounds in a civilian is not going to help us, Fisher. Get back to work!
Douglas Shetland: [pointing guns at one another] It doesn't have to end like this, Sam.
Sam Fisher: No, but it does have to end...
Douglas Shetland: On that we agree. We've been fighting these dirty little wars our whole lives, and where do we end up? Staring at each other down the barrels of our guns. Nothing has changed, Sam, but I won't change my degrees. We have to tear it down and start over; it's the only way.
Sam Fisher: Your own little Chaos Theory; throw the whole world into war and hope that whatever comes out the other side is better?
Douglas Shetland: It will be better because this war will change things, Sam. Every other war has been about keeping things the same, but the status quo doesn't work anymore. America is sick, Sam... she's dying, Sam; the politicians, the bureaucrats, the whispered backroom deals, it's all life support for a sick old woman who was dead a long time ago.
Sam Fisher: The only backroom deals I've seen lately have been made by you. You're a murderer and a war criminal.
Douglas Shetland: Those are the only names the state has for the revolutionaries. You only become a hero after the war is over. You know the truth; the world is built from the bottom-up, not the other way around. Honor, courage, fidelity, we don't inherit these things from the world, Sam; we build the world from them. You believe in these things more than any government, and I know because of it you wouldn't shoot and old friend
Sam Fisher: [staring over Shetland's corpse] You're right, Doug; I wouldn't shoot an old friend.
Bank Guard: Hey, Emilio, have you seen these new motion sensing lights?
Emilio: No! What do they do?
Bank Guard: When they detect movement, the light turns on!
Emilio: Dat's-dat's amazing!
Bank Guard: Like magic!
Sam Fisher: [at a Japanese tea house, Sam has grabbed a guard from behind in a choke-hold] Bad news.
Guard: Agh! I knew it! I knew there were ninjas around here!
Sam Fisher: What?
Guard: Yeah, you've gotta be a ninja. How else could you sneak up and grab me like that?
Sam Fisher: Listen, I don't know what -
Guard: Wow! A real, live, ninja! I can't believe it!
Sam Fisher: Listen, I'm going to kill you if -
Guard: *Wow*! Killed by a ninja... cool!
Captain Arthur Partridge: When was the last time I saw you?
Sam Fisher: I'm afraid I have no recollection of that, Senator.
Captain Arthur Partridge: That's right!
Anna: The Maria Narcissa.
Sam Fisher: Sounds like your setting me up for another blind date.
Anna: The Maria Narcissa is a boat.
Sam Fisher: So was the last girl you set me up with.
Anna: Fisher!
Sam Fisher: Sorry.
Sam Fisher: Lambert, now that I got 50 million bucks with me, it's time to talk about a raise.
Irving Lambert: Hmmm. 25 cents an hour and not a penny more.
Sam Fisher: Deal.
Sam Fisher: [after putting the exec. in a chokehold] Nice suit. Italian?
Displace Executive: Grrgghhh... yes! Andretti!
Sam Fisher: What?
Displace Executive: Andretti; famous designer: men's suits and tuxedos.
Sam Fisher: I'm not a tuxedo kind of guy.
Displace Executive: Grrrrgghhhh...are you a spy?
Sam Fisher: Yeah, the real kind, not the tuxedo kind. I'm the kind that makes you bleed all over your Andretti unless you give me information!
Displace Executive: Oh, God!
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: American! What have you done?
Sam Fisher: Give it up, Admiral, it's over.
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Ha! Do you think that I will surrender to you? Allow your people to strip me of my dignity? Throw me in chains? No, my people have endured your *charming* oppression for more than sixty years!
Sam Fisher: You say tomato...
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Americans; always turning to their jokes when their hearts are full of fear. You should be afraid; I may be defeated, but I am a man whose ideas and beliefs are stronger than most. You have stopped this war, American, but the dragon has been awakened, and he will not be so easily sedated this time.
[Otomo unsheathes a sword and attempts to commit Sepuku]
Irving Lambert: [over Fisher's radio] What happened?
Sam Fisher: I think someone is taking himself a little too seriously.
Irving Lambert: Well, we can't afford to let him die, Fisher. Get in there and stablize him. Hurry!
Sam Fisher: [interrogating the base commander] It's a game of position, colonel and you've already lost. Do you need to condemn 50,000 men, as well?
North Korean Colonel: They're not my men, they're your men, American.
Sam Fisher: They're not my men, Colonel, they're just men, sons, husbands and fathers like you and me. Do they need to die for our mistakes?
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam at the ISDF Building] Who are you?
Sam Fisher: I'm the good guy here to save your world
Guard: I thought I was the good guy
Sam Fisher: No, no you're the side with the super secret underground base and I'm the guy who's trying to break in to the base which makes me the good guy.
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam on the roof of the Displace office] Hey who are you?
Sam Fisher: Pretend I'm Harry Tubman
Guard: Who?
Sam Fisher: I'm an ill-tempered, heavily-armed heating engineer asking about your ventilation system.
Guard: I guess, I guess it's not working properly since the blackout
Sam Fisher: So it shouldn't take much to shut down that big fan if i wanted to.
Guard: I, I don't know why would you want to do that?
Sam Fisher: The adventure, the travel.
Guard: ...Okay
William Redding: [informing Sam of the real identity of a person] The Bosnian Barber!
Sam Fisher: I already have a barber but I think he's Italian, you know, the place right beside the donut shop.
Anna: The missile is closing in fast on the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan.
Sam Fisher: Wait a minute... did you just say I have to win one for the Gipper?
Anna: Dude, what does that even mean?
Sam Fisher: Never mind. You're right Grim; I am old.
Sam Fisher: [taking a Peruvian guard captive] You look important.
Guard: I am loyal you will get nothing from me.
Sam Fisher: Is that so? Hmm. It looks like you forgot to shave this morning, here let me help.
[starts sliding his knife]
Guard: Hey, what are you doing? OK. OK. What do you want to know?
Anna: Nineties?
Sam Fisher: I was going to say 'Seventies'. Would you stop making me feel old?
Anna: I have bad news for you, Sam. You ARE old.
[Fisher shoots a civilian who was tortured to death]
Irving Lambert: Fisher! What the hell are you doing?
Sam Fisher: Making sure he wasn't suffering.
Irving Lambert: Well, NATO rounds in a civilian is not going to help us, Fisher. Get back to work!
Douglas Shetland: [pointing guns at one another] It doesn't have to end like this, Sam.
Sam Fisher: No, but it does have to end...
Douglas Shetland: On that we agree. We've been fighting these dirty little wars our whole lives, and where do we end up? Staring at each other down the barrels of our guns. Nothing has changed, Sam, but I won't change my degrees. We have to tear it down and start over; it's the only way.
Sam Fisher: Your own little Chaos Theory; throw the whole world into war and hope that whatever comes out the other side is better?
Douglas Shetland: It will be better because this war will change things, Sam. Every other war has been about keeping things the same, but the status quo doesn't work anymore. America is sick, Sam... she's dying, Sam; the politicians, the bureaucrats, the whispered backroom deals, it's all life support for a sick old woman who was dead a long time ago.
Sam Fisher: The only backroom deals I've seen lately have been made by you. You're a murderer and a war criminal.
Douglas Shetland: Those are the only names the state has for the revolutionaries. You only become a hero after the war is over. You know the truth; the world is built from the bottom-up, not the other way around. Honor, courage, fidelity, we don't inherit these things from the world, Sam; we build the world from them. You believe in these things more than any government, and I know because of it you wouldn't shoot and old friend
Sam Fisher: [staring over Shetland's corpse] You're right, Doug; I wouldn't shoot an old friend.
Bank Guard: Hey, Emilio, have you seen these new motion sensing lights?
Emilio: No! What do they do?
Bank Guard: When they detect movement, the light turns on!
Emilio: Dat's-dat's amazing!
Bank Guard: Like magic!
Sam Fisher: [at a Japanese tea house, Sam has grabbed a guard from behind in a choke-hold] Bad news.
Guard: Agh! I knew it! I knew there were ninjas around here!
Sam Fisher: What?
Guard: Yeah, you've gotta be a ninja. How else could you sneak up and grab me like that?
Sam Fisher: Listen, I don't know what -
Guard: Wow! A real, live, ninja! I can't believe it!
Sam Fisher: Listen, I'm going to kill you if -
Guard: *Wow*! Killed by a ninja... cool!
Captain Arthur Partridge: When was the last time I saw you?
Sam Fisher: I'm afraid I have no recollection of that, Senator.
Captain Arthur Partridge: That's right!
Anna: The Maria Narcissa.
Sam Fisher: Sounds like your setting me up for another blind date.
Anna: The Maria Narcissa is a boat.
Sam Fisher: So was the last girl you set me up with.
Anna: Fisher!
Sam Fisher: Sorry.
Sam Fisher: Lambert, now that I got 50 million bucks with me, it's time to talk about a raise.
Irving Lambert: Hmmm. 25 cents an hour and not a penny more.
Sam Fisher: Deal.
Sam Fisher: [after putting the exec. in a chokehold] Nice suit. Italian?
Displace Executive: Grrgghhh... yes! Andretti!
Sam Fisher: What?
Displace Executive: Andretti; famous designer: men's suits and tuxedos.
Sam Fisher: I'm not a tuxedo kind of guy.
Displace Executive: Grrrrgghhhh...are you a spy?
Sam Fisher: Yeah, the real kind, not the tuxedo kind. I'm the kind that makes you bleed all over your Andretti unless you give me information!
Displace Executive: Oh, God!
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: American! What have you done?
Sam Fisher: Give it up, Admiral, it's over.
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Ha! Do you think that I will surrender to you? Allow your people to strip me of my dignity? Throw me in chains? No, my people have endured your *charming* oppression for more than sixty years!
Sam Fisher: You say tomato...
Admiral Toshiro Otomo: Americans; always turning to their jokes when their hearts are full of fear. You should be afraid; I may be defeated, but I am a man whose ideas and beliefs are stronger than most. You have stopped this war, American, but the dragon has been awakened, and he will not be so easily sedated this time.
[Otomo unsheathes a sword and attempts to commit Sepuku]
Irving Lambert: [over Fisher's radio] What happened?
Sam Fisher: I think someone is taking himself a little too seriously.
Irving Lambert: Well, we can't afford to let him die, Fisher. Get in there and stablize him. Hurry!
Sam Fisher: [interrogating the base commander] It's a game of position, colonel and you've already lost. Do you need to condemn 50,000 men, as well?
North Korean Colonel: They're not my men, they're your men, American.
Sam Fisher: They're not my men, Colonel, they're just men, sons, husbands and fathers like you and me. Do they need to die for our mistakes?
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam at the ISDF Building] Who are you?
Sam Fisher: I'm the good guy here to save your world
Guard: I thought I was the good guy
Sam Fisher: No, no you're the side with the super secret underground base and I'm the guy who's trying to break in to the base which makes me the good guy.
Guard: [after being taken captive by Sam on the roof of the Displace office] Hey who are you?
Sam Fisher: Pretend I'm Harry Tubman
Guard: Who?
Sam Fisher: I'm an ill-tempered, heavily-armed heating engineer asking about your ventilation system.
Guard: I guess, I guess it's not working properly since the blackout
Sam Fisher: So it shouldn't take much to shut down that big fan if i wanted to.
Guard: I, I don't know why would you want to do that?
Sam Fisher: The adventure, the travel.
Guard: ...Okay
William Redding: [informing Sam of the real identity of a person] The Bosnian Barber!
Sam Fisher: I already have a barber but I think he's Italian, you know, the place right beside the donut shop.
Anna: The missile is closing in fast on the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan.
Sam Fisher: Wait a minute... did you just say I have to win one for the Gipper?
Anna: Dude, what does that even mean?
Sam Fisher: Never mind. You're right Grim; I am old.
Sam Fisher: [taking a Peruvian guard captive] You look important.
Guard: I am loyal you will get nothing from me.
Sam Fisher: Is that so? Hmm. It looks like you forgot to shave this morning, here let me help.
[starts sliding his knife]
Guard: Hey, what are you doing? OK. OK. What do you want to know?
05 September, 2005
EL Trabajo y sus secretos
>¿Alguna vez te has preguntado... qué significa 100%? ¿Qué es dar MÁS del
>100%?
>
>
>
>¿Alguna vez te has preguntado cómo son esas personas que dicen que dan MÁS
>del 100%?
>
>
>
>Todos hemos asistido a reuniones en las que alguien nos ha pedido que demos
>MÁS del 100%. ¿Qué te parece alcanzar el 103%?
>
>
>
>¿De qué está compuesto el 100% en esta vida?
>
>
>
>A continuación figura una simpe fórmula matemática que puede que te ayude a
> responder a estas preguntas:
>
>
>
>Si:
>
>
>
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N Ñ O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
>
>equivalen a los siguientes números:
>
>
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
>26 27
>
>
>
>Entonces:
>
>
>
> T-R-A-B-A-J-A-R = 21+19+1+2+1+10+1+19 = 74%
>
>
>
>y
>
>
>
> S-A-B-I-D-U-R-I-A = 20+1+2+9+4+22+19+1 = 78%
>
>
>
>Pero,
>
>
>
> D-E-S-E-M-P-E-Ñ-O = 4+5+20+5+13+17+5+15+16 = 100%
>
>
>
>y,
>
>
>
> M-E-N-T-I-R-A-S ! = 13+5+14+21+9+19+1+20 = 102%
>
>
>
>
>
>Y, mira lo lejos que te llevará lamer culos:
>
>
>
> L-A-M-E-R C-U-L-O-S = 12+1+13+5+19+3+22+12+16+20 = 123%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que, podemos concluir que es matemáticamente cierto que mientras que:
>
>
>
>"TRABAJAR" y tener "SABIDURIA" te ponen en buen camino
>
>
>
>"DESEMPEÑO" te hará llegar al 100%
>
>
>
> las "MENTIRAS" y "LAMER CULOS" te harán sobrepasar el 100%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que OJITO entonces cuando te digan que tinees que dar más del 100%
>100%?
>
>
>
>¿Alguna vez te has preguntado cómo son esas personas que dicen que dan MÁS
>del 100%?
>
>
>
>Todos hemos asistido a reuniones en las que alguien nos ha pedido que demos
>MÁS del 100%. ¿Qué te parece alcanzar el 103%?
>
>
>
>¿De qué está compuesto el 100% en esta vida?
>
>
>
>A continuación figura una simpe fórmula matemática que puede que te ayude a
> responder a estas preguntas:
>
>
>
>Si:
>
>
>
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N Ñ O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
>
>equivalen a los siguientes números:
>
>
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
>26 27
>
>
>
>Entonces:
>
>
>
> T-R-A-B-A-J-A-R = 21+19+1+2+1+10+1+19 = 74%
>
>
>
>y
>
>
>
> S-A-B-I-D-U-R-I-A = 20+1+2+9+4+22+19+1 = 78%
>
>
>
>Pero,
>
>
>
> D-E-S-E-M-P-E-Ñ-O = 4+5+20+5+13+17+5+15+16 = 100%
>
>
>
>y,
>
>
>
> M-E-N-T-I-R-A-S ! = 13+5+14+21+9+19+1+20 = 102%
>
>
>
>
>
>Y, mira lo lejos que te llevará lamer culos:
>
>
>
> L-A-M-E-R C-U-L-O-S = 12+1+13+5+19+3+22+12+16+20 = 123%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que, podemos concluir que es matemáticamente cierto que mientras que:
>
>
>
>"TRABAJAR" y tener "SABIDURIA" te ponen en buen camino
>
>
>
>"DESEMPEÑO" te hará llegar al 100%
>
>
>
> las "MENTIRAS" y "LAMER CULOS" te harán sobrepasar el 100%
>
>
>
>
>
>Así que OJITO entonces cuando te digan que tinees que dar más del 100%
01 September, 2005
HOUSECLEANING TIPS FOR INTERNET JUNKIES
Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs. Any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot. If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!
Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!
Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.
Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......
Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.
Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!
Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!
Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.
Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......
Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.
Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).
We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!
Pussy Versus Beer
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
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