42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Duct tape is like “The Force.” It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Every time I enter a singles bar, I hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up; you don’t know where it’s been!”
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How come we choose from just 2 people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I don’t approve of political jokes; too many of them get elected.
I don’t need to do drugs anymore; I now get the same effect just by standing up fast.
I live in my own little world. But it’s okay; they know me here.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt that said, “Guess,” so I did: “Implants?”
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If carrots are good for the eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport “the terminal?”
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s paper, that’s the time to do it.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
It’s so great to get married and know that you’ve found that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Just my luck: I got a sweater when what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.
Just remember—if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Life isn’t a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today could burn your ass tomorrow!
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Marriage changes passion; suddenly you’re in bed with a relative!
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easy to live with.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea!”
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains.”
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the trap’s cheese.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and shithead’s.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!
Why do psychics ask your name?
Why do we choose from just two people for President, but fifty for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
