Dirty Limericks

Goldilocks has lots of guys

Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio’s one, I’m advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose right up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!

“You, choirboy!” ordered the pastor

“You, choirboy!” ordered the pastor
“Bend over the pew for your Master!”
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
“Now just wag your tail a bit faster!”

there was a young man from Bude

there was a young man from Bude
stood fingering his girl while they queued
a man in the front sniffed and said cunt
just like that right out loud, fucking rude

We all know that tampons are spongy

We all know that tampons are spongy
And often times get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.

There was a young lady of Clewer

There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a bike, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her

There was a young fellow named Skinner

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at a quarter to ten it was in her.

A thrifty old man named McEwing

A thrifty old man named McEwing
Inquired, “Why be bothered with screwing?
It’s safer and cleaner
To finger your wiener,
And besides you can see what you’re doing.”

A lascivious monk from Dundee

A lascivious monk from Dundee
Buggered a nun in a tree
While deep in her ass
He chanted High Mass
And even the Pope came to see

The vicar of Santa Domingo

The vicar of Santa Domingo
Said to the curate, “By jingo!
Blast women and boys,
I need some new joys!”
And he promptly fucked a flamingo.

My back aches, my pussy is sore

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can’t fuck any more;
I’m covered with sweat,
And you haven’t come yet,
And my God, it’s a quarter to four!

There once was a man from Peru

There once was a man from Peru
Who was desperately hanging out for a screw.
He picked up a mole
And rammed home his pole
Then said, “Jesus, that was Long overdue.”

There once was a hacker named Ken

There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn’t been heard from since then.

There once was a slut from peru

There once was a slut from peru
Who filled her vagina with glue
she said with a grin
“If you pay to get in
then you pay to get out again too!”

That wily old pervert St. Nick

That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick

There was a young sailor from Brighton

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said “Shit! Your hole is a tight one!”
Said the girl, “Shut your face!
“You’re in the wrong place!
“There’s plenty of room in the right one!”