Why Paddys not at Work Today

1. Dear Boss, I write this note To tell you of my plight And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight My body is all black and blue, My face a deathly gray And I hope you understand Why Paddy's not at work today. 2. While working on the fourteenth floor, Some bricks I had to clear And to throw them down from off The top seemed quite a good idea But the foreman wasn't very pleased, He was an awful sod He said I had to cart them down The ladder in me hod. 3. Well clearing all those bricks by hand, It seemed so very slow So I hoisted up a barrel And secured the rope below But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see That a barrel full of building bricks Is heavier than me. 4. So when I had untied the rope, The barrel fell like lead And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead I took off like a rocket And to my dismay I found That half way up I met The bloody barrel coming down.

5. Well the barrel broke my shoulder As to the ground it sped And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head I held on tight, though numb with shock From this almighty blow And the barrel spilled out half its load Fourteen floors below. 6. Now when those building bricks fell From the barrel to the floor I then outweighed the barrel So I started down once more I held on tightly to the rope As I flew to the ground And I landed on those building bricks That were all scattered 'round. 7. Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst But when the barrel reached the top, That's when the bottom burst A shower of bricks came down on me, And I didn't have a hope And as I was losing conciousness, I let go the bloody rope. 8. The barrel being heavier, It started down once more And landed right on top of me As I lay there on the floor It broke three ribs and my left arm, And I can only say That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

Funny Quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Poesia

Si para recobrar lo recobrado
debí perder lo perdido
Si para conseguir lo conseguido
debí haber sufrido lo sufrido
Si para estar enamorado
fue menester primero estar herido
Tengo por bien sufrido lo sufrido
tengo por bien llorado lo llorado
Porque después de todo he comprobado
que no se goza bien de lo gozado
sino después de haberlo padecido
Porque después de todo he comprendido
que lo que el árbol tiene de florido
vive de lo que tiene sepultado

Cats and Dogs

DOG DIARY
8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

Just Quit It

LOLcatus says...

Address To A Haggis by Robert Burns

Address To A Haggis

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn,
they stretch an' strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve,
Are bent lyke drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
"Bethankit!" 'hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him ower his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bloody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll mak it whissle;
An' legs an' arms, an' heads will sned,
Like taps o' thrissle.

Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Gie her a haggis!

The Translation

Fair is your honest happy face
Great chieftain of the pudding race
Above them all you take your place
Stomach, tripe or guts
Well are you worthy of a grace
As long as my arm

The groaning platter there you fill
Your buttocks like a distant hill
Your skewer would help to repair a mill
In time of need
While through your pores the juices emerge
Like amber beads

His knife having seen hard labour wipes
And cuts you up with great skill
Digging into your gushing insides bright
Like any ditch
And then oh what a glorious sight
Warm steaming, rich

Then spoon for spoon
They stretch and strive
Devil take the last man, on they drive
Until all their well swollen bellies
Are bent like drums
Then, the old gent most likely to rift (burp)
Be thanked, mumbles

Is there that over his French Ragout
Or olio that would sicken a pig
Or fricassee would make her vomit
With perfect disgust
Looks down with a sneering scornful opinion
On such a dinner

Poor devil, see him over his trash
As week as a withered rush (reed)
His spindle-shank a good whiplash
His clenched fist.the size of a nut.
Through a bloody flood and battle field to dash
Oh how unfit

But take note of the strong haggis fed Scot
The trembling earth resounds his tread
Clasped in his large fist a blade
He'll make it whistle
And legs and arms and heads he will cut off
Like the tops of thistles

You powers who make mankind your care
And dish them out their meals
Old Scotland wants no watery food
That splashes in dishes
But if you wish her grateful prayer
Give her a haggis!

And here's in mp3 format for you to listen to:

http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/central_mp3/poems/address-to-haggis-poem.mp3