Enfriol Rules

Short jokes I

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.

Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

Entrevista de Trabajo

Un psicologo hace una entrevista de admisión para un empleo.
Entra el primer candidato: -Cuente hasta diez, por favor - pide el psicologo...
-Diez, nueve, ocho, siete, seis, cinco, cuatro, tres, dos, uno.
-Que forma es esta de contar?
-Ah!, perdone! es que estoy acostumbrado a contar así por mi anterior trabajo. Trabajaba en la NASA.
Entra otro candidato:
-Cuente hasta diez.
-Uno, tres, cinco, siete, nueve, diez, ocho, seis, cuatro, dos.
-Pero... y por qué cuenta sí?
-Lo siento, es que antes era cartero, y la fuerza de la costumbre...primero los impares de una calle y luego los pares.
El psicologo, casi al borde de un ataque de nervios, manda pasar al tercer candidato.
-Perdone... cual era su anterior empleo?
- Funcionario
-Ah! bueno, pues será usted capaz de contar hasta diez!
-Si, hombre! Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, sota, caballo y rey.

A Popular Ode to The Patrician Commenting on his Lack of Functions

The Patrician doesn't have balls
It's said that he doesn't enjoy them at all
So you won't find them held in those white marble halls;
The Patrician doesn't have balls.
The Patrician doesn't have balls
It's said that the very thought makes his skin crawl;
He hasn't had one that a soul can recall.
The Patrician doesn't have balls.

The Patrician doesn't have balls
It's said that he never will and doesn't care
So young ladies seeking a mate go elsewhere;
The Patrician doesn't have balls.

The Patrician doesn't have balls
It's said that he hates them, but I couldn't swear.
He avoids grasping maidens, both brunette and fair;
The Patrician doesn't have balls.

The Patrician doesn't have balls
It's said he can dance but have you seen him try?
His refusal makes debutantes on the make cry;
The Patrician doesn't have balls.

The Patrician doesn't have balls
It's said that he will one day, when pigs can fly
You heard it here first, and I tell you no lie;
The Patrician doesn't have balls.

The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All

1.

You can bugger the bear, if you do it with care,
in the winter, when he is asleep in his lair,
Though I would not advise it in spring or in fall--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

2.

If you're feeling quite coarse, you can bugger the horse,
or the palfrey, the jennet, the stallion (with force),
You can bugger the donkey, the mare, or the mule,
Though to bugger the pony is needlessly cruel.

3.

You can bugger the ox (if you stand on a box)
And vulpologists say you can bugger the fox,
You can bugger the shrew, though it's awfully small--
but the hedgehog cvan never be buggered at all.

4.

Herptologists gasp you can bugger the asp,
Entymologists claim you can bugger the wasp.
If an insects your thing, man, then just have a ball--
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

5.

And the elephant too, that you meet in the zoo,
Can be buggered if you are sure just what to do,
You will need a large mattress upon which to fall--
but the hedgehog cvan never be buggered at all.

6.

You can bugger the bees if your down on your knees,
You can bugger the termites with terminal ease
you can bugger the beetle, the ladybug (bird!) too,
there's no end to the buggering that you can do.

7.

You can bugger the cat if it isn't to fat
You can bugger the rabbit you draw from your hat
You can bugger the shark that you've chased in your yawl--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

8.

You can bugger the ermine, and all other vermine,
like rats, mice, and roaches, if your not discernin'.
You can bugger the dog, it will come when you call--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

9.

Although Mr. Tiggy is not very big, he
Avoids with great ease those who fancy his arse.
He just curls in a ball, shows his prickles and all--
And the would-be seducer leaves himin the grass

10.

If you're that kind of fool, and you have a long tool,
Do it with a giraffe, if you stand on a stool,
Catch a yeti, who lives in the snows of Nepal--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

11.

For the hedgehog escapes the posterior rapes
Performed upon others of different shapes
Those who run, swim, or slither, they get it withal--
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

12.

It is said, if you try, you can bugger the fly,
Or the swallow as it skims so skilfully by,
Use a noose or a net, or lime (if you've the gall)--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

13.

You can bugger the cow (I will not tell you how),
Or the boar, or the piglet, the shoat or the sow,
You can bugger the ass as it stands in the stall--
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

14.

You can order or shoo 'im, or run a knife through 'im
The one thing you cannot do is stick it to 'im.
If you try to seduce 'im, you'll end in a fix,
His prickles defend him against rampant pricks.

15.

You can bugger the ram, you can bugger the lamb,
You can bugger the ewe, though the wether's a sham,
You can bugger the tiger (it may caterwaul)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

16.

You can bugger the seal, you can bugger the eel,
You can bugger the crab, though they say it can't feel,
You can bugger the bat as the night casts its pall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

17.

You can bugger the snake (hold it down with a rake),
Though to bugger the quetzal may be a mistake.
You can bugger the billy, the nanny the kid,
But to bugger the hedeghog just cannot be did.

18.

You can bugger the slug, though it messes the rug,
You can bugger the different species of bug,
Or do it with a snail, if you slow to a crawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

19.

At the end of the day, when you've had your rough way
With all of those creatures, you'll just have to say
"That damned Erinaceous has been my downfall--"
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Thor's Hammer has A Knob at the end

A WIZARD'S STAFF HAS A KNOB ON THE END

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
It never will buckle, it never will bend
He cherishes it, and he calls it his friend,
and he frequently takes it in hand.

A wizard's staff is the source of his power.
He checks up on it every hour on the hour
And he's never surprised when it turns to a flower --
The fairest throughout all the land.

The staff of a wizard with honour is crowned.
Without it a wizard will rarely be found.
'Tis big and its round and weighs three to the pound
And without it he's truly unmanned.

The staff of a wizard can do mighty deeds.
It protects him from harm and attends to his needs,
Provides him with banquets upon which he feeds
And potions on which he gets canned.

Whenever a wizard is lonely or sad,
Or feeling dejected, or puzzled, or mad,
He turns to his staff, and things don't seem so bad --
By it he is never trepanned.

The staff of a wizard is dear to his heart
The source and the succour of his magic art.
They travel together, are never apart,
A relationship few understand.

A wizard is rarely of heroic build
Were it not for his staff, he would surely be killed.
By demons or monsters his blood would be spilled
All over the pitiless sand.

A wizard in thought, word, and deed should be chaste
If he is not, he's considered disgraced.
Although in his dreams he is often embraced
By ladies both lissom and tanned.

The staff of a wizard is polished with care.
He anoints it with spices and unguents rare,
Bedecks it with silver and jewels most fair,
And on feast days he has it japanned.

* A wizard when young has a staff that is small.
It's puny and weak, ineffective withal.
It grows with his power until it stands tall
As his fame and his glory expand.

*The staff of a wizard can hold many spells
For finding lost objects or dowsing new wells
For banishing demons to bottomless hells
Or bringing them back on demand.

A wizard's staff can do manifold tricks
To puzzle the nobles and fuddle the hicks
It rescues the wizard from many a fix --
It is totally at his command.

*When a wizard is old, and is starting to fade
He looks on his staff that with cunning he made
The crown of his life and the tool of his trade
And together they make their last stand.

War Squirrel, specially dedicated to pnyxtr

Kiss me, you fool!

Kirby

Meow

Subject: Re: M=E=O=W Primer: What all of this garbage is *really* about........
From: "Dave S. King"
Date: 1996/12/06
Message-ID: <32a7877c.7de9@husc.harvard.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.college.college-bowl,alt.fan.karl-malden.nose,alt.fan.ok-soda,alt.stupidity,alt.usenet.kooks

David Kim wrote:
>
> This post is intended for newbies who are wondering what all of this
> feline vocalizaion on the net is all about. This article will be posted
> periodically on the following meow-intensive newsgroups:
>
> alt.fan.karl-malden.nose
> alt.college.college-bowl
> alt.tv.beavis-n-butthead
> alt.fan.ok-soda
> alt.stupidity
>
> And, due to the nature of the subject matter, it will also be posted to
> alt.usenet.kooks.
>
> 12/5/96
>
> *** BEGIN MEOW HISTORY ***
>
> A long, long time ago (in usenet terms), a group of students from
> Harvard began posting to the then-empty newsgroup
> alt.fan.karl-malden.nose. Since Deja News seems to no longer be keeping
> articles from before 1/1/96, I am guessing this occured sometime late in
> 1995. Most of the posts were just about their lives. "It's snowing
> now," or "I hate writing papers," or "yesterday I did such and such..."
> That kind of thing. My guess is that harvard.general did not like them
> posting personal messages, so they took it elsewhere. The main posters
> in alt.fan.karl-malden.nose were:
>
> Mark Staloff
> Scot J. Trudeau
> Julia Starkey (aka just julia)
> Julia Kim (no relation to David Kim or to Julia Starkey)
> Chuck Truesdell
> Susan Marie Groppi
> and, most notably, Matt Bruce.
>
> Early in 1996 Matt Bruce made a comment he will probably regret for a
> very long time. He suggested that, just as they "invaded" afkmn, they
> should try invading alt.tv.beavis-n-butthead. Ask any of these kids now
> and they will INSIST that they were not serious, but at the time they
> were already crossposting into alt.fan.pooh and alt.fan.ok-soda.
>
> The natives of atbnb did not take well to Mr. Bruce's remark. The
> "invasion," so to speak, was met with retaliation. Now, it just so
> happened that one of the Harvard kids, probably Chuck Truesdell, had a
> habit placing "meow meow" in many of his posts, ala Henrietta Pussycat
> of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. There was also a quote of Matt Bruce,
> whether it is really he who said this or not I don't know, but it went
>
> > Meow meow Henrietta Pussycat meow meow meow The Presidents of the United
> > States of America meow Kitty?
> >
> > --Matt
>
> Somehow or another this led the kind folks of atbnb to dub Matt Bruce
> "Commandante Meow Meow Matt Bruce," and to start lots of flames with the
> words "meow meow" in them. It just so happened that some of these
> flames were discovered by group of rogue spammers that included none
> other than John Grubor himself. For those of you not familiar with
> Grubor, he is a disbarred lawyer from PA and the grandfather of all
> usenet kooks. These spammers started to expand the meow flame war to
> more and more newsgroups. They even found it fun to forge the names of
> the Harvard kids as the authors of the meow messages. The Harvard kids
> attempted, naturally, to stop this forgery, only making the spammers
> more angry with the "elitist HIV League weenies."
>
> It was then decided that the best way to "get back" at the Harvard kids
> for preventing them from forging them was to attack them where they
> lived. AFKMN was flooded with crossposts about Commandante Meow Meow
> Matt Bruce, and a new invention: the MEOW MEOW ARMY. It was also noted
> that many of these kids were pariticipants in College Bowl, so
> alt.college.college-bowl became another victim of meow attacks.
>
> By May of 1996 the *real* Harvard students gave up trying to defend
> themselves and fled afkmn. I received an e-mail from one of them
> informing me that they were going to a group known as alt.groppi (for
> Susan Marie Groppi), and not to tell anyone. Alt.groppi is only carried
> on a box at Harvard, so they are relatively safe from crossposters
> there.
>
> Meanwhile the Meowers continued their attacks on
> alt.college.college-bowl and the rest of Usenet throughout summer and
> fall 1996. If anyone tried to get in their way, they flamed them (via a
> charming invention known as the "cascade") to hell and back. Meow kind
> of took on a life of its own, as newbies saw all of the meow stuff and
> said, "That looks like fun..."
>
> Today alt.college.college-bowl is so choked with meow posts and the like
> that actual College Bowlers are unable to use it to discuss matters
> concerning quiz trivia games at the college level. Petrea Mitchell, a
> student at NYU, started a "cascade watch" to keep track of Meowers and
> encourage people to report such spammers to their postmasters (aka
> "netcopping"). This has been met with further retaliation (i.e. spam)
> by the ever-growing meow community.
>
> *** END MEOW HISTORY ***

I *think* that's pretty much the complete story. If you have anything to add, please respond to this post.

It's not bad.

Millones de personas recuerdan a las víctimas del 11-M

Cogido del ABC online en memoria de los asesinados en el 11-M


Millones de personas recordaron hoy, en concentraciones silenciosas celebradas a mediodía en todas las ciudades españolas, a las 192 personas asesinadas en los atentados terroristas perpetrados hace un año en Madrid.

Las puertas de los Ayuntamientos, los centros de trabajo, las calles y plazas de las ciudades fueron el escenario de las concentraciones de cinco minutos, convocadas por el Gobierno y la Federación de Municipios, y que estuvieron acompañadas por la interrupción de diversos servicios de transporte y de la actividad de comercios y empresas.

A la misma hora, los Reyes de España, acompañados por los Príncipes de Asturias, las principales autoridades del país y varios mandatarios extranjeros como el rey de Marruecos, Mohamed VI, se sumaron al silencio en el llamado Bosque de los Ausentes del Parque del Retiro de Madrid, un lugar en el que 192 cipreses y olivos recuerdan desde hoy la memoria de los fallecidos.

El homenaje silencioso se repitió en miles de lugares de toda España, donde los ciudadanos se concentraron atendiendo a las convocatorias previamente realizadas o de forma espontánea, como hicieron cientos de conductores madrileños y de otras ciudades.

A las doce en punto, y mientras los peatones se concentraban ante sedes de instituciones y centros de trabajo, muchos automovilistas que transitaban por el centro de Madrid detuvieron sus coches y salieron durante cinco minutos de los mismos para sumarse al silencio en zonas como la Plaza de Colón, la Puerta del Sol o la Gran Vía.

Las concentraciones fueron especialmente emotivas en los cuatro lugares donde, hace exactamente un año, explosionaron las bombas. La más numerosa tuvo como escenario la estación de Atocha, donde se reunieron miles de ciudadanos al tiempo que los trenes dejaban de circular en un ambiente de emoción, lágrimas y un silencio sobrecogedor, especialmente en la zona de andenes.

En la estación de Santa Eugenia se reunieron unas doscientas personas, entre vecinos, policías, periodistas y niños que salían del instituto cercano. Cientos de vecinos se acercaron durante la mañana al altar instalado a la entrada de la estación para depositar flores, velas y objetos personales de algunas de las víctimas, como una libreta quemada, algún muñeco e imágenes religiosas.

En la estación de El Pozo, el pasadizo que une sus dos andenes se llenó de personas que se arremolinaba entorno a las decenas de velas y ramos de flores que los propios vecinos y viajeros habían ido colocando desde primera hora de la mañana.

En otra zona de la ciudad, a las puertas de la Audiencia Nacional, jueces, fiscales y funcionarios de ese órgano, encargado de la investigación de los atentados, recordaron también a las víctimas.

Algunos participantes, como la fiscal del caso, Olga Sánchez, no pudieron evitar las lágrimas. Visiblemente emocionada, permaneció durante la concentración con las manos entrelazadas al juez instructor del sumario, Juan del Olmo, y al presidente de la Audiencia, Carlos Dívar.

En el Palacio de la Moncloa, todo el personal guardó los cinco minutos de silencio en un acto encabezado por la vicepresidenta primera, María Teresa Fernández de la Vega, y el ministro del Interior, José Antonio Alonso, que acababan de participar en un Consejo de Ministros que aprobó diversas medidas de asistencia a víctimas de terrorismo y control de explosivos.

Escenas parecidas se repitieron ante las sedes de todos los ministerios, del Congreso, el Senado, el Tribunal Constitucional, el Supremo, el Ayuntamiento y la Comunidad de Madrid, las sedes de los partidos políticos, el aeropuerto de Barajas o la Biblioteca Nacional, entre otros.

En algunas de esas concentraciones se tuvo un especial recuerdo para algunos trabajadores de esos centros que fueron víctimas de los atentados. Una treintena de escolares musulmanes, en representación de la comunidad islámica de Madrid, se sumaron al silencio en la mezquita de la M-30 junto a una gran pancarta en la que se podía leer en castellano y en árabe "Todos contra el terrorismo".

Manifestaciones similares se repitieron a la misma hora por toda la geografía nacional, con la presencia de cientos de miles de ciudadanos junto a sus alcaldes, presidentes y otras autoridades. Muchas instituciones añadieron a la jornada de luto nacional declaraciones.

En Barcelona, al tiempo que se desarrollaban las concentraciones, los transportes metropolitanos detuvieron sus servicios, al igual que en Palma de Mallorca y otros lugares.

En Valencia, el homenaje a las víctimas silenció la tradicional "mascletá" y el resto de los actos oficiales de las Fallas, que han sido suspendidos. En Castilla-La Mancha el acto más emotivo tuvo lugar en Guadalajara, provincia de la que procedían una veintena de las víctimas mortales de la masacre.

El mundo del deporte español se ha sumó al día de luto con minutos de silencio en los aledaños de sus sedes y con lazos negros en las páginas web de clubes como el Real Madrid y de la Liga de Fútbol Profesional (LFP). También los trabajadores de los medios de comunicación se unieron a mediodía al recuerdo a las víctimas. Mientras, la mayoría de las televisiones y las radios conectaron con el homenaje celebrado en el Bosque de los Ausentes del Retiro y algunas emisoras llenaron el silencio con la lectura de los nombres de las 192 víctimas mortales.

Sadako from Ringu (III)

Sadako From Ringu (II)

Sadako from Ringu (I)

Portable peeing for the PC-bound

Portable peeing for the PC-bound

March 3, 2005, 3:50 PM PST

You're in the middle of a frenzied fragfest when it hits: You gotta pee--bad. Whatcha gonna do? Getting up from your computer clearly isn't an option--any 733t d00d knows the deathmatch owns the bladder.

Enter the Internet urinal, a handy-dandy portable pee device marketed specially for the PC-bound. Each contraption is made of hard plastic, comes with a "female adapter" and holds 32 ounces--a whole lotta recycled Red Bull.

"With the Internet Urinal, you'll never have to leave your computer again," touts a promo on ThinkGeek. "Imagine the freedom--destroy your opponents in that all-important 'Quake 3' clan match without taking a break; drink as many cans of BAWLS as you want and still be able to make that last important trade before the market closes."

The device, of course, isn't exclusive to the Internet crowd. When the ThinkGeek link made its rounds at CNET News.com's newsroom, members of the editorial team were quick to note that like devices are commonly used by campers, hunters and boaters.

And not, they insist, by reporters on a tight deadline.

--Leslie Katz

Chistecillo Intelectual

Un ginecólogo recibe en su consulta a una chica para una
exploración mamaria, éste observa que al quitarse la blusa la
chica lleva una gran H azul en el pecho.
El doctor le pregunta:
- ¿Y esta letra?
- Mi novio, que estudia en Harvard y no se quita la camiseta
universitaria ni cuando hacemos el amor.
Unos días más tarde, el doctor se encuentra con otra chica con
una gran Y verde el pecho, aunque ya se lo figuraba, le pregunta a qué se
debe que lleve esa letra en el pecho.
Ella contesta:
- Es que mi novio estudia en Yale y no quiere desprenderse de su
camiseta ni para acostarnos.
La cosa parecía una moda porque a los pocos días se presenta otra
chica con una M roja en el pecho. Entonces el doctor comenta:
- ¡Vaya!, seguro que tu novio estudia en la universidad de
Michigan, ¿no? Pues no, no tengo novio
- ¿Y algún amiguete de Massachussets?
- Tampoco, lo que sí tengo es una amiga de Wisconsin.