Answering Machine Messages

Gandalf:
“Hello, you’ve reached the ol’ wizard. I’m on an errand right now, fighting Wargs and Goblins. Please don’t bother taking a message, for I won’t be around for a couple of years. I hope I do see you then; until our next meeting.

Bilbo:
Hi! You’ve reached Bilbo Baggins. I am off onto yet another journey to Rivendell, or I may be helping dwarves find their long-lost home. Oh, no, I’m probobly petting my Ring.
If you are Gollum; I’ve still got sting by my side, so don’t you try taking my ring!
But if you have gotten my old Ring please press 2; I should very much like to hold it again one last time.
If you are a mindless hobbit: don’t even bother leaving a message: I don’t want any visitors, well wishers, or people of distant relations bothering me!
If you are Gandalf press 3, and I expect you to leave a message this time before badgering in with some measly Dwarves puckering me off on another adventure!
I hope you will live happily ever after, until the end of your days! Goodbye!

Frodo:
Hello! You’ve reached Frodo Baggins (a.k.a. Ringbarer, or Halfling) I am off to Mordor to destroy the One Ring. Please throw me a party when I return, for I would have saved the world.
Oh and ya, please don’t forget to have a fill-in buddy trim the hedges and plant flowers while I’m gone; Sam is coming with me.

Pippin:
Hullo! I’m off eating a Dubble-King-Mac or off on an adventure. Oh, no! I couldn’t be… I’m hungry…. I might be out lifting carrots, tomatoes, cabbage, and mushrooms from Mr. Maggot’s crops…. Mmmm…. That’s making me hungry. I think I need my second-breakfast. Goodbye!

Nazgûl:
Hello people of the real word. Come to us. We have candy for you. Bring us the Ring. You cannot hide. We see you!

Aragorn:
Aiya. Hello. I am Aragorn, High King of Gondor, Chieftain of the Dúnedain, Elessar, Elfstone, Evinyatar, The Renewer, the Healer, Estel, Hope, Strider, Wingfoot, Thorongil, King of the West, Dúnedan, the Deliverer…… beeepppp….

Sam:
Hello. You’ve reached Sam Gamgee the Gardener. I am out right now planting and tending Frodo’s garden, call back or leave a message:
Press 1 if you’d like to do business with me.
Press 2 if you’re Rosie and would like to marry me.
Press 3 if you’d like me to run for mayor… again!
Thank you for calling!

Sauron:
I am the Ruler of the World I shall diminish all living things and rule in the all in shadow. I will wear again the Ring of Power and punish those who held it against me. It is my Precious. My own. One Ring that would rule them all:
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
And so it will be.
There is no life out in the void… only cold… only death.
…. This message will self-destruct…..

Gollum:
My preciuouss it’s lossst… me wants it! It’s mine! My Birthday-present! Bilbo tooks it! Give it back to me! Lossst! Mine! Gives it back! Gives it to meeeeeeee….. this message is over……

Arwen:
This is to Aragorn: I will not give up. Not that easily. There is still hope left. So don't you give up on me. May the Evenstar protect you and remind you of me. I will meet you once again. Maybe so.... Ú i vethed... nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han bâd lîn. (This is not the end... it is the beginning. You must go with Frodo. That is your path.) Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. (It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now.)
Ae ú-esteliach nad... estelio han. Estelio ammen. (If you trust nothing else... trust this. Trust us.)
A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor. Ú or le a ú or nin. (The Shadow does not hold sway yet, not over you and not over me.)