The Creation Story (From a Modern American Translation)

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, and populated

the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and

red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and

healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and

Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want

chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "as long as

you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan

smiled.



 And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the

figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from

the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from

size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan

presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on

the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.





 God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil

in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained

more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.



 God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food

Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and

named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that

His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with

a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and

gained pounds.



 Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming

with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the

starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.



 God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and

still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent

double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" And

Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple

bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.