WOMEN

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time your woman brings it to the couch.

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

Why have women got small feet? So they can get closer to the sink.

Why have women got legs?
To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds?
Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren't blind.

What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a women howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.

Did you hear about the new home appliance?
You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.

How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you change a woman's mind?
Buy her another beer.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4. 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

Why did god invent alcohol?
So fat women can get laid too.

Why do women have two sets of lips?
So they can piss and moan at the same time.

What is the difference between your job and your wife?
After 20 years your job still sucks.

What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.

lol, i deleted this one, too mean

Why are women smarter while their having sex?
They're plugged into a genius.

What do you call a room full of women with PMS and yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."