EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, ’s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard ‘c’ will be replaced with ‘k.’ Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced by ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ by ‘z’ and ‘w’ by ‘v’. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Office Inspirational Posters

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Plagiarism saves time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time so you don’t have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A Daily Moment with Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The Rebel Jesus

All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants windows are all bright
With the faces of the children
And the families hurrying to their homes
As the sky darkens and freezes
They'll be gathering around the hearths and tales
Giving thanks for all God's Graces
And the birth of the rebel Jesus

Well they call him by the "Prince of Peace"
And they call him by "The Savior"
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
As they fill his churches with their pride and gold
And their faith in him increases
But they've turned the nature that I worshipped in
From a temple to a robber's den
In the words of the rebel Jesus

We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when Christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why they are poor
They get the same as the rebel Jesus

But please pardon me if I seem
To take the tone of judgement
For I've no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
There's a need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel jesus.

Swedish Chef

Toy trains 'Star Wars' fans to use The Force

Could The Force be with you? A toy due in stores this fall will let you test and hone your Jedi-like abilities.

The Force Trainer (expected to be priced at $90 to $100) comes with a headset that uses brain waves to allow players to manipulate a sphere within a clear 10-inch-tall training tower, analogous to Yoda and Luke Skywalker's abilities in the Star Wars films.

No, you're not tapping into some "all-powerful force controlling everything," as Han Solo said in the movies. But you are reaching out with mind power via one of the first mass-market brain-to-computer products. "It's been a fantasy everyone has had, using The Force," says Howard Roffman, president of Lucas Licensing.

Mind-control games may be the coming thing: Mattel plans to demonstrate a Mind Flex game (also due this fall), which uses brain-wave activity to move a ball through a tabletop obstacle course, at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas on Thursday.

In the Force Trainer, a wireless headset reads your brain activity, in a simplified version of EEG medical tests, and the circuitry translates it to physical action. If you focus well enough, the training sphere, which looks like a ping-pong ball, will rise in the tower.

A state of deep concentration is needed to achieve a Force-full effect. "When you concentrate, it activates the training remote," says Frank Adler of toymaker Uncle Milton Industries, which is creating the Trainer. "There is a flow of air that will move the (ball). You can actually feel like you are in a zone."

Star Wars sound effects and audio clips emitted from the base unit "cue you in to progress to the next level (from Padawan to Jedi) or when to move the sphere up or down to keep challenging yourself," Adler says.

"Until today, EEG technology has been designed for rigorous medical and clinical applications with little regard to price (and) ease of use," says Greg Hyver of NeuroSky, which developed the brain-wave technology for both games. "We are putting this exciting technology into everyone's living room."

MAYONESA Y CAFÉ

Cuando las cosas en la vida Parecen demasiado, Cuando 24 horas al día

No son suficientes...Recuerda el frasco

De mayonesa y el café.

Un profesor delante de su clase de Filosofía sin decir palabra tomo un Frasco grande y vacío de mayonesa y Procedió a llenarlo con pelotas de golf.

Luego le preguntó a sus estudiantes si el Frasco estaba lleno. Los estudiantes

Estuvieron de acuerdo en decir que si.

Así que el profesor tomo una caja llena de Canicas y la vació dentro del frasco de Mayonesa. Las canicas llenaron los espacios Vacíos entre las pelotas de golf.

El profesor volvió a preguntar a los estudiantes si el frasco estaba lleno, ellos volvieron a decir Que si.

Luego...el profesor tomo

Una caja con arena y la vació dentro del frasco. Por supuesto, la arena lleno todos los espacios Vacíos, así que el profesor pregunto nuevamente Si el frasco estaba lleno. En esta ocasión los estudiantes respondieron Con un 'si' unánime.

El profesor enseguida agrego 2 tazas de café Al contenido del frasco y efectivamente llenó Todos los espacios vacíos entre la arena. Los estudiantes reían en esta ocasión. Cuando la risa se apagaba, el profesor dijo:

'QUIERO QUE SE DEN CUENTA QUE ESTE FRASCO REPRESENTA

LA VIDA'.

Las pelotas de golf son las cosas Importantes,

Como la familia, los hijos, la salud, Los amigos, todo lo que te apasiona.

Son cosas, que aún si todo lo demás lo

Perdiéramos y solo éstas quedaran,Nuestras vidas aún estarían llenas.
Las canicas son Las otras cosas

Que importan, como El trabajo, La casa, El auto, etc.

La arena es todo Lo demás,

Las pequeñas Cosas.

'Si ponemos la arena en el

frasco primero, no habría espacio para las canicas ni para las pelotas de golf.

Lo mismo ocurre con la vida'.

Si gastamos todo nuestro tiempo y energía en las cosas pequeñas, nunca tendremos lugar para las Cosas realmente importantes

Presta atención a las cosas que son cruciales Para tu felicidad.

Juega con tus hijos,

Tomate tiempo para asistir al doctor,

Ve con tu pareja a cenar,

Practica tu deporte o afición favorita.

Siempre habrá tiempo para limpiar la casa y reparar la llave del agua.

Ocúpate de las pelotas de golf primero, de las cosas que realmente importan.

Establece tus prioridades, el resto es solo arena..

Uno de los estudiantes levantó la mano y pregunto que representaba el café.

El profesor sonrió y dijo:

'Que bueno que lo preguntas... Sólo es para demostrarles, que no importa cuan ocupada tu vida pueda parecer,siempre hay lugar para un par de tazas de café con un amigo..'

ENVÍA ESTE MAIL A

TODAS LAS PERSONAS

A QUIEN APRECIAS,

INCLUYÉNDOME A MI,

ASÍ SABRÉ QUE

YO TENGO UN

LUGAR EN EL

FRASCO DE TU CORAZÓN.

P.D. Siempre habrá una taza de café para ti esperando en mi escritorio.…

¡¡¡¡¡ que tengas un excelente dia!!!!!

Advice from old people

• People in power only hold that power because you allow them to. If they abuse that power, you can take it away from them. This applies to relationships, employers, landlords, councils and the Government.
• When you think “I’ll just have one more drink” - don’t have it.
• If there is something in your life you love doing - try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.
• “It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”
• “Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”
• “Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren’t allowed to” (Granny – aged 89). She’s also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.
• My great uncle also once told me to never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin.
• “Never look at your mom when she’s eating a banana.”
• “Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home ‘early’ she’ll be delighted that you’ve cut short your night out to be with her”
• “Never chase after a bus or a girl - another one’ll come along soon enough!”
• No one wins in a fight. If you hit him 20 times and he hits you once it still fucking hurts.
• Always kick a man when he is down because you probably won’t have the balls to hit him if he gets back up.
• Genuine good advice from my Grand dad - ‘Don’t listen to your mother, she never has known what she’s talking about’
• Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.
• My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… I’m a fucking diabetic.
• “Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you’ll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward.”
• The best advice I ever received was written on the side of a box of matches, it said “Keep dry and away from children”
• Never trust a man with a beard, he’s hiding something.
• “If you take longer strides when you’re walking, your shoes will last longer”.
• Never sleep with a woman who’s problems are worse than your own.
• “Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other”.
• “Never get separated from your lunch”
• “life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes”
• “always leave a party while you’re still having fun, you’re a young lad now but later you’ll understand, never forget”
• Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up…
• “He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!”
• “Never trust a dog with a curly tail”
• Always take a dump when you’re at work, you’re getting paid for it
• Don’t eat gravy and ice-cream at the same time.

Real-life Dilbert manager quotes

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.'
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.'
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufactur ing/ 3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.'(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Pratchett Certificate

Jump, you landlubber. Arr!

Life is...

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
  At age 12, success is...having friends.
    At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
      At age 20, success is...having sex.
       At age 35, success is...having money.
       At age 50, success is...having money.
      At age 60, success is...having sex.
    At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
  At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

Mouse Cruising

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Life Expectations

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.