24 September, 2008

School Answering Machine

This is hilarious – no wonder some of the people were offended.

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection.

To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do their work – Press 2

To complain about what we do – Press 3

To swear at staff members – Press 4

To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5

If you want us to raise your child – Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7

To complain about bus transportation – Press 8

To complain about school lunches – Press 9

Press 0 if you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

10 September, 2008

LA QUINTA ESTACION - ASí ERES



Las rosas muertas
Me esperan frente al espejo
Regalan belleza con un color añejo
Querer terminar con lo que soy y poder olvidar
Bajo tierra o en la ceniza se que me abrazara
Abrir mis cadenas de fría arena
Ver el aire y rasgar mis venas.

Así sientes
Así lloras
Así tienes tu dolor
Así eres
Así piensas
Así olvidas tu dolor

Vida porque
No puedo sentir no
No tengo perdón por existir
Vida solo tu sabes bien lo que te quiero decir
Abrir mis cadenas de fría arena
Ver el aire y rasgar mis venas.

Así sientes
Así lloras
Así tienes tu dolor
Así eres
Así piensas
Así olvidas tu dolor

Así sientes
Así lloras
Así tienes tu dolor
Así eres
Así piensas
Así olvidas tu dolor

Así sientes
Así lloras
Así tienes tu dolor
Así eres
Así piensas
Así olvidas tu dolor

08 September, 2008

Figlio Perduto

Figlio Perduto, one of the most impressive, beautiful songs ever composed. It was written by Ludwig van Beethoven, lyrics by Chiara Ferrau, sung by Sarah Brighman.




El Hijo Perdido

Muros de viento
La Noche ha caido...
El Padre y el hijo van juntos...

En un caballo
Ellos van
A través de la intensa oscuridad...

Pero de pronto
El niño comienza a temblar
Con miedo
Tiene frio...

Padre, Oh Padre...
Tu no has visto
El Rey de los Elfos
Aquí está...

Hijo perdido
¿Quieres jugar?
Yo te traigo el gozo
Ven conmigo...

Padre, Oh Padre...
¿Has escuchado lo que el dijo?
¿Y lo que el hará?

Hijo perdido
Si tu no vienes conmigo
Yo usaré el poder que poseo...

Padre, oh Padre...
El Rey de los Elfos
Está tocándome
El me lastima...

Y el niño...
Con los ojos cerrados
No se mueve...
El está totalmente perdido...

Hijo
Hijo perdido
Si tu no vienes conmigo
Yo usaré mi poder...

Padre, oh Padre...
El Rey de los Elfos
Está tocándome
El me lastima...

Y el niño...
Con los ojos cerrados
No se mueve...
El está totalmente perdido...

... Está totalmente perdido

########################

Figlio Perduto

Muri die vento
Notte scesa
Padre e figlio sono insiem

Con un cavallo
Vanno avanti
In questa grande oscurita

Ma ad un tratto
Il bimbo trema
Dalla paura
Freddo si fa

Padre oh padre
Tu non hai visto

Re degli elfi
Eccolo la

Figlio perduto,
Vuoi far un gioco?
Gioia ti porto
Vieni con me

Padre oh padre
Hai gi sentito
Cosa mi dice
E che vuol' far'?

Figlio perduto
Se tu non vieni
Io user la forza che ho

Padre oh padre
Re degli elfi
Mi sta toccando
Male mi fa

E il bambino,
Con occhi chiusi
Lui non si muove
Perso gi

Figlio
Figlio perduto
Se tu non vieni
Io user la mia forza

Padre oh padre
Re degli elfi
Mi sta toccando
Male mi fa

E il bambino,
Con occhi chiusi
Lui non si muove
Perso gi

... perso gi

########################

Lost son

Walls of wind
Night has fallen
Father and son are together

With a horse
They proceed
Through this intense darkness

But suddenly
The boy trembles
With fear
It gets cold

Father oh father
Haven't you seen
The king of the elfs
There he is

Lost son
Do you want to play?

I bring you joy
Come with me

Father oh father
Did you hear
What he said
And what he will do?

Lost son
If you don't come with me
I will use the power
that I have

Father oh father
The king of the elfs
Is touching me
He hurts me

And the boy
Eyes closed
He doesn't move

He's already lost

Son
Lost son
If you don't come with me
I will use my power

Father oh father
The king of the elfs
Is touching me
He hurts me

And the boy
Eyes closed

He doesn't move
He's already lost

... he's already lost

01 September, 2008

Dear Good-looking guys

Thanks for ruining things for us average-looking guys. You, like all men, will tag pretty much anything female. So you go out to bars and other social venues and you go for the low-hanging fruit. You go for the average-looking girl. Why? Because they are easy and don't give you half the shit that hot women give.

So what's the big deal? The big deal is that average girls don't know their place anymore. They suddenly think that they are hot just because they have been banged by a hot guy. They are wrong, and they do not know it. We average guys, however, do know it. We know that the average girl -- in the long term -- is out of your league. We know that she is in our league, the league of the average. But she does not know that.

So the average girl goes on thinking she is hot and holding out for a hot guy to spend the rest of her life with. Yes, it's great for the ego of the average girl. She bangs a hot guy every now and then, and she really thinks she is the shit. No one told her, though, that any guy (hot or not) will bang any average girl. Sadly, the average women develop this "I'll never settle" mentality. Average guys are suddenly not an option for them, leaving us average guys out in the cold. The genuine hot girls, of course, are not an option for us, so that leaves us with the fat chicks. Thanks. Thanks a lot, hot guy. Meanwhile, the really hot chicks are sitting around dissing us and waiting for you to come talk to them. (And we can only imagine the torture that the fat guys are going through as we average guys are forced to mack on their women.)

So do the social scene a favor -- stick with your own kind. Leave the average girls to us, and stop creating delusions of grandeur in their minds. The average chick is our niche. We work hard enough as it is for the average girl. Now you go work hard to bag the hot chick. Don't be afraid of a little work.

Movie Tickets

Movie Theater | Philadelphia, PA, USA

Customer: “I’d like two tickets for [movie], please.”

Coworker: “That movie is rated R. Can I see your ID?”

Customer: *shows an ID that states she is 18*

Coworker: “You need to be 21 in order to purchase an R-rated ticket for someone else.”

Customer: “But it’s for my son!”

Coworker: “How old is your son?”

Customer: “16…”

Coworker: “So you’re 18… and you have a 16 year old son?”

Customer: “That’s right!”

Coworker: “Let me get my manager…”

Manager: “Ma’am, you need to be 21 to purchase a ticket for a minor.”

Customer: “But he’s my son!”

Manager: “You’re telling me you gave birth when you were two years old?”

Customer: “YES! It happens, I promise you!”

31 August, 2008

101 Things to do When You Have No Internet

  1. Learn a Card Trick
  2. Play Solitaire
  3. Learn How to Touch Type
  4. Go Swimming
  5. Tidy Up Your Room
  6. Rename Your Collection of 10,000 Photos
  7. Defragment Your Hard Drive
  8. Go to the Gym
  9. Go Jogging
  10. Bake Fudge Brownies
  11. Have a Picnic
  12. Watch a Movie
  13. Have a Nap
  14. Mess Around With Photoshop
  15. Update Your Address Book
  16. Organize Your Documents
  17. Lie in the Grass and Watch the Clouds
  18. Write in a Journal
  19. Drink 8 Cups of Water
  20. Learn How to Cook
  21. Learn How to Dance
  22. Read a Book
  23. Visit a Graveyard
  24. Get in Touch With Old Friends
  25. Look Through Your Old Yearbooks
  26. Give Out Free Hugs
  27. Figure Out the Meaning of Life
  28. Watch TV
  29. Organize Your Bookmarks
  30. Arrange Your Library Using the Dewey Decimal System
  31. Clean All the Monitors Around Your House
  32. Play Some Sports
  33. Count From 1 to a Million
  34. Just Lay Back and Chill
  35. Go to the Beach
  36. Meditate
  37. Walk Around Town
  38. Get in Your Car and Keep Driving Till You Run Out of Gas
  39. Clean Up Your Garage
  40. Wash Your Car
  41. Study For an Upcoming Exam
  42. Learn How to Make an HTML Webpage
  43. Make an HTML Webpage
  44. Uninstall Useless Programs Taking Up Valuable Space
  45. Play Racing Games and Lose the Race on Purpose, Every Time
  46. Go to a Zoo
  47. Go Outside and Take Pictures of Random People
  48. Mow the Lawn
  49. Open a Dictionary and Learn 100 New Words
  50. Make a Prank Call
  51. Type “bush hid the facts” in Notepad and Try Not to Act Amazed When it Disappears
  52. Try Renaming a Folder Into “con”
  53. Keep Trying…
  54. Call a Friend and Ask Him What to Do
  55. Find Out What All the Buttons on Your Keyboard Do
  56. Open the Registry and Delete All the Entries Starting With the Letter “a”
  57. Re-Install Windows Vista After You’ve Messed it Up
  58. Slap Yourself For Using Vista in the First Place
  59. Blame Politics and Global Warming
  60. Open “about:robots” With Firefox and Press the “Try Again” Button
  61. Press the “Please Do not press this button again.” Button
  62. Ask Yourself Why It Disappears and Nothing Happens
  63. Take a Shower
  64. Eat Something
  65. Treat Yourself to a Fancy Dinner
  66. Play the Pre-Installed Games on Your Mobile
  67. Count the Number of Cars That Pass by Your Window Each Minute
  68. Arrange Your TV Channels
  69. Comb Your Hair
  70. Take Something Apart
  71. Put it Back Together
  72. Read Your Computer’s User Guide, For the First Time
  73. Call Your Internet Provider
  74. Ask them What’s Wrong With Your Connection
  75. Understand All the Network Jargon They’re Saying
  76. Dismiss Everything They’re Saying as Gibberish
  77. Play a Board Game
  78. Invite Friends Over
  79. Read a Newspaper
  80. Watch the News
  81. Look in the Mirror and Try to Act Cool
  82. Write an eBook
  83. Do Your Homework
  84. Buy a Metro Pass and Keep Going Back and Forth All Day Long
  85. Smile at a Random Person on the Street
  86. Watch Titanic For the 15th Time
  87. Hide Behind Bushes and Scare People
  88. Go to a Mall and Sit on a Bench While Staring at a Fixed Point for the Whole Day
  89. Teach Your Old Dog New Tricks
  90. Roast Marshmallows
  91. Create Your Own Black Book
  92. List All Your Friends and Family Members in it
  93. Accidentally “Lose” the Book at School/Work
  94. Ask Yourself Why You Didn’t Just Go to an Internet Cafe
  95. Rearrange Your Desktop Icons
  96. Synchronize All the Watches You Have
  97. Think up a Clever List of Comebacks For Your Teacher/Boss
  98. Open a Blank Page in Your Browser and Repeatedly Press F5
  99. Cry Desperately
  100. Open Videos and Images Using Notepad
  101. Write a List of 101 Things to Do When You Have No Internet

I’m sure that by the you’re finished doing those things your connection will be back!

26 August, 2008

Así se recurre una multa

21/03/2007 10:12

Estimado Sr. Juez:

He sido denunciado por circular a 250 km/h en la Nacional 530 cuando iba camino de mi pueblo para hacer la matanza. Según me dijeron los Guardias Civiles que me pararon, el radar me detectó a la velocidad antes indicada en un tramo limitado a 70km/h. Yo, por mi parte, puedo decir que he visto perfectamente esa señal con el número 70 en negro, dentro del círculo rojo con el fondo blanco. Sin embargo, por más que me he fijado, no he visto ninguna unidad de medida junto al numerito 70.

Como Vd. sabrá mejor que yo, que para eso ha estudiado derecho, la Ley 54/1893 establece que en el Estado Español (que Dios guarde muchos años) se establece que el Sistema Métrico Internacional será el obligatorio en el país, y dentro de las reglas propiamente dichas del citado Sistema Métrico Internacional, se establece que la unidad de longitud será el metro, y la unidad de tiempo será el segundo. No se si cuando Vd. terminó derecho le dio tiempo a hacer algo de matemáticas, pero por si acaso voy a informarle de que la velocidad se mide dividiendo la distancia recorrida entre el tiempo empleado para recorrerla, por lo que cogiendo la unidad de medida de la distancia (metro) y la unidad de medida del tiempo (segundo), obtendremos la unidad de medida de la velocidad: METROS POR SEGUNDO, que, tal y como nos dice la Ley anteriormente citada, SERÁ LA UNIDAD DE MEDIDA OBLIGATORIA PARA LA VELOCIDAD.

Yo no le voy a negar que fuese a 250 km/h, que de hecho los iba, pero es que la señal que yo vi sólo ponía 70, y en virtud del imperio de la ley que todos debemos respetar y del que Vd. es el máximo exponente, no he dudado en considerar que el 70 se refería a la unidad internacional de la velocidad, el metro por segundo; si Vd. hace la conversión, observará que 70 m/s equivalen a 252km/h, con lo cual yo circulaba a 2 km/h por debajo de lo permitido.

Por todo lo expuesto, ruego a Vd. que me devuelva el carné de conducir, los 600 Euros y los 8 puntos que me han quitado, que no están las cosas para bromas, dejando este asunto en un lamentable malentendido por el que no voy a denunciar a los pobres Agentes, que bastante tienen con su arriesgado trabajo y estoy seguro que no lo hicieron con mala intención.

Atentamente.

25 August, 2008

De Vuelta al Agujero

Alphabetic principle

I take it you already know,
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps. Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead - it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it ‘deed’!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt). A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword. And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start! A dreadful language? Why man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.

23 August, 2008

Rodney Carrington - The Man Song

Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Man Song!

(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)

I don't take no crap from anybody
[else but you]
I wear the pants around here
[when I finish with your laundry]
Coz I'm a guy you don't wanna fight
[When I say "Jump", you say "Yeah right!"]
I'm the man of this house
[until you get home]

(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)

What I say goes around here
[right out the window]
and I don't wanna hear a lot of whining
[so I'll shut up]
The sooner you learn who's Boss around here
[The sooner you can give me my orders, dear]
Coz I'm Head-Honcho around here
[but it's all in my head]

(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)

And I can have sex anytime
[that you want it]
Coz I'm a man who has needs
[but there not that important]
And don't expect any flowers from me
[Coz if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry]
I'm the King of my castle
[when you're not around]

(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)

And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I wanna
[get in trouble]
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready
[to sleep on the couch]
Coz a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
[And I'm gonna do what you tell me to]
Because I'm Top dog around here
[but I've been neutered]

(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)

(You the man!)

21 July, 2008

El Demonio en el Genesis

En el Principio Dios creo los Cielos y la Tierra. Y la tierra estaba desordenada y vacía, y las tinieblas estaban sobre la faz del abismo, y el Espíritu de Dios se movía sobre la faz de las aguas.

Y Satan dijo, "Esto es lo mejor".

Y Dios dijo, "Que Haya Luz", y hubo Luz. Y dijo Dios, "Que la Tierra quede poblada de hierba, la hierba de semilla, y el arbol frutal de fruta," y Dios vio que era bueno.

Y Satan dijo, "Putos vecinos." Y Dios dijo, "Hagamos al hombre en Nuestra Imagen y semejanza, y que tengan potestad sobre los peces del mar, y sobre las aves del aire, y sobre los rebaños, y sobre toda la Tierra, and sobre cada cosa reptante que repta sobre la Tierra."

Y asi, Dios creo el Hombre en su propia imagen y semejanza: macho y hembra los creo. Y Dios miro al Hombre y la Mujer y vio que eran delgados y estaban en forma.

Y Satan dijo, "Se como joderle los planes."

Y Dios pobló la tierra con espinacas, coliflores, brócoli y todo tipo de vegetales para que el Hombre y la Mujer pudieran alimentarse y llevar una vida sana…

Y Satanás creó el Mc Donald’s, y Mc Donald’s creo el BigMac.
Y Satanás dijo al hombre:

¿Lo quieres con patatas y Coca Cola?

Y el hombre dijo:

Sí, y en tamaño grande

Y el hombre engordó….

Y Dios dijo:

Haya yogurth para que la mujer conserve la silueta que he creado con la costilla del hombre.

Y Satanás creó el chocolate.

Y la mujer engordó.

Y Dios creó las ensaladas y el aceite de oliva.
Y vio que estaba bien.

Y Satanás hizo el helado.

Y la mujer engordó.

Y Dios dijo:

Os he dado frutas en abundancia que os servirán de alimento.

Y Satanás inventó los huevos con chorizo.

Y el hombre engordó y su colesterol malo se fue por las nubes.

Y creó Dios las zapatillas deportivas,
y el hombre decidió correr para perder los kilos de más.

Y Satanás concibió la televisión por satélite y agregó el mando a distancia para que el hombre no tuviese que cambiar de canal con el sudor de su frente.

Y el hombre aumentó de peso.

Y Satanás dijo a la mujer:

Son apetecibles a la vista del hombre unos aperitivos.

Y la mujer le acercó al hombre patatitas fritas, aceitunas, galletitas saladas, cortezas, queso y una cervercita.

Y el hombre, aferrado al mando a distancia, comió los aperitivos que eran abundantes en colesterol.

Y Satanás vio que estaba bien.

Y el hombre llegó a tener las coronarias obstruidas.

Y dijo Dios:

No es bueno que el hombre tenga un infarto

Y entonces creó el cateterismo y la cirugía cardiovascular y las unidades coronarias…

Y Satanás creo…

La Seguridad Social

Y dijo Dios…

ANDA Y QUE OS DEN POL CULO A TODOS!!!

Y en eso andamos…

English Version: http://www.bford.info/funny/Beginning.html

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