21/03/2007 10:12
Estimado Sr. Juez:
He sido denunciado por circular a 250 km/h en la Nacional 530 cuando iba camino de mi pueblo para hacer la matanza. Según me dijeron los Guardias Civiles que me pararon, el radar me detectó a la velocidad antes indicada en un tramo limitado a 70km/h. Yo, por mi parte, puedo decir que he visto perfectamente esa señal con el número 70 en negro, dentro del círculo rojo con el fondo blanco. Sin embargo, por más que me he fijado, no he visto ninguna unidad de medida junto al numerito 70.
Como Vd. sabrá mejor que yo, que para eso ha estudiado derecho, la Ley 54/1893 establece que en el Estado Español (que Dios guarde muchos años) se establece que el Sistema Métrico Internacional será el obligatorio en el país, y dentro de las reglas propiamente dichas del citado Sistema Métrico Internacional, se establece que la unidad de longitud será el metro, y la unidad de tiempo será el segundo. No se si cuando Vd. terminó derecho le dio tiempo a hacer algo de matemáticas, pero por si acaso voy a informarle de que la velocidad se mide dividiendo la distancia recorrida entre el tiempo empleado para recorrerla, por lo que cogiendo la unidad de medida de la distancia (metro) y la unidad de medida del tiempo (segundo), obtendremos la unidad de medida de la velocidad: METROS POR SEGUNDO, que, tal y como nos dice la Ley anteriormente citada, SERÁ LA UNIDAD DE MEDIDA OBLIGATORIA PARA LA VELOCIDAD.
Yo no le voy a negar que fuese a 250 km/h, que de hecho los iba, pero es que la señal que yo vi sólo ponía 70, y en virtud del imperio de la ley que todos debemos respetar y del que Vd. es el máximo exponente, no he dudado en considerar que el 70 se refería a la unidad internacional de la velocidad, el metro por segundo; si Vd. hace la conversión, observará que 70 m/s equivalen a 252km/h, con lo cual yo circulaba a 2 km/h por debajo de lo permitido.
Por todo lo expuesto, ruego a Vd. que me devuelva el carné de conducir, los 600 Euros y los 8 puntos que me han quitado, que no están las cosas para bromas, dejando este asunto en un lamentable malentendido por el que no voy a denunciar a los pobres Agentes, que bastante tienen con su arriesgado trabajo y estoy seguro que no lo hicieron con mala intención.
Atentamente.
26 August, 2008
25 August, 2008
Alphabetic principle
I take it you already know,
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps. Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead - it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it ‘deed’!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt). A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword. And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start! A dreadful language? Why man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps. Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead - it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it ‘deed’!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt). A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword. And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start! A dreadful language? Why man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.
23 August, 2008
Rodney Carrington - The Man Song
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Man Song!
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
I don't take no crap from anybody
[else but you]
I wear the pants around here
[when I finish with your laundry]
Coz I'm a guy you don't wanna fight
[When I say "Jump", you say "Yeah right!"]
I'm the man of this house
[until you get home]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
What I say goes around here
[right out the window]
and I don't wanna hear a lot of whining
[so I'll shut up]
The sooner you learn who's Boss around here
[The sooner you can give me my orders, dear]
Coz I'm Head-Honcho around here
[but it's all in my head]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
And I can have sex anytime
[that you want it]
Coz I'm a man who has needs
[but there not that important]
And don't expect any flowers from me
[Coz if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry]
I'm the King of my castle
[when you're not around]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I wanna
[get in trouble]
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready
[to sleep on the couch]
Coz a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
[And I'm gonna do what you tell me to]
Because I'm Top dog around here
[but I've been neutered]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
(You the man!)
The Man Song!
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
I don't take no crap from anybody
[else but you]
I wear the pants around here
[when I finish with your laundry]
Coz I'm a guy you don't wanna fight
[When I say "Jump", you say "Yeah right!"]
I'm the man of this house
[until you get home]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
What I say goes around here
[right out the window]
and I don't wanna hear a lot of whining
[so I'll shut up]
The sooner you learn who's Boss around here
[The sooner you can give me my orders, dear]
Coz I'm Head-Honcho around here
[but it's all in my head]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
And I can have sex anytime
[that you want it]
Coz I'm a man who has needs
[but there not that important]
And don't expect any flowers from me
[Coz if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry]
I'm the King of my castle
[when you're not around]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I wanna
[get in trouble]
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready
[to sleep on the couch]
Coz a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
[And I'm gonna do what you tell me to]
Because I'm Top dog around here
[but I've been neutered]
(He's the man!)
(He's the man!)
(You the man!)
28 July, 2008
26 July, 2008
21 July, 2008
El Demonio en el Genesis
En el Principio Dios creo los Cielos y la Tierra. Y la tierra estaba desordenada y vacía, y las tinieblas estaban sobre la faz del abismo, y el Espíritu de Dios se movía sobre la faz de las aguas.
Y Satan dijo, "Esto es lo mejor".
Y Dios dijo, "Que Haya Luz", y hubo Luz. Y dijo Dios, "Que la Tierra quede poblada de hierba, la hierba de semilla, y el arbol frutal de fruta," y Dios vio que era bueno.
Y Satan dijo, "Putos vecinos." Y Dios dijo, "Hagamos al hombre en Nuestra Imagen y semejanza, y que tengan potestad sobre los peces del mar, y sobre las aves del aire, y sobre los rebaños, y sobre toda la Tierra, and sobre cada cosa reptante que repta sobre la Tierra."
Y Satan dijo, "Se como joderle los planes."
Y Dios pobló la tierra con espinacas, coliflores, brócoli y todo tipo de vegetales para que el Hombre y la Mujer pudieran alimentarse y llevar una vida sana…
Y Satanás creó el Mc Donald’s, y Mc Donald’s creo el BigMac.
Y Satanás dijo al hombre:
¿Lo quieres con patatas y Coca Cola?
Y el hombre dijo:
Sí, y en tamaño grande
Y el hombre engordó….
Y Dios dijo:
Haya yogurth para que la mujer conserve la silueta que he creado con la costilla del hombre.
Y Satanás creó el chocolate.
Y la mujer engordó.
Y Dios creó las ensaladas y el aceite de oliva.
Y vio que estaba bien.
Y Satanás hizo el helado.
Y la mujer engordó.
Y Dios dijo:
Os he dado frutas en abundancia que os servirán de alimento.
Y Satanás inventó los huevos con chorizo.
Y el hombre engordó y su colesterol malo se fue por las nubes.
Y creó Dios las zapatillas deportivas,
y el hombre decidió correr para perder los kilos de más.
Y Satanás concibió la televisión por satélite y agregó el mando a distancia para que el hombre no tuviese que cambiar de canal con el sudor de su frente.
Y el hombre aumentó de peso.
Y Satanás dijo a la mujer:
Son apetecibles a la vista del hombre unos aperitivos.
Y la mujer le acercó al hombre patatitas fritas, aceitunas, galletitas saladas, cortezas, queso y una cervercita.
Y el hombre, aferrado al mando a distancia, comió los aperitivos que eran abundantes en colesterol.
Y Satanás vio que estaba bien.
Y el hombre llegó a tener las coronarias obstruidas.
Y dijo Dios:
No es bueno que el hombre tenga un infarto
Y entonces creó el cateterismo y la cirugía cardiovascular y las unidades coronarias…
Y Satanás creo…
La Seguridad Social
Y dijo Dios…
ANDA Y QUE OS DEN POL CULO A TODOS!!!
Y en eso andamos…
English Version: http://www.bford.info/funny/Beginning.html
20 July, 2008
TEXAS TALK
| The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving | Not overly-intelligent |
| As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party | (Self-explanatory) |
| Tighter than bark on a tree | Not very generous |
| Big hat, no cattle | All talk and no action |
| We've howdied but we ain't shook yet | We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced |
| He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow | He has a pretty high opinion of himself |
| She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth | That woman can talk |
| It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs | We really could use a little rain around here |
| Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly | Appearances can be deceptive |
| This ain't my first rodeo | I've been around awhile. |
| He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch | Not the most handsome of men |
| They ate supper before they said grace | Living in sin |
| Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope | Stop arguing and do as you're told |
| As full of wind as a corn-eating horse | Rather prone to boasting |
| You can put your boots in the oven, but that Doesn't make them biscuits | You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is |
18 July, 2008
Best Advertising Slogans
1
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
4
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9
. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
10
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant!"
12
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
4
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9
. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
10
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant!"
12
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
15 July, 2008
Time To Say Goodbye ~ Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman
When I'm alone
I dream on the horizon
And words fail
Yes, I know there is no light
In a room
Where the sun is not there
If you are not with me
At the windows
Show everyone my heart
Which you set alight
Enclose within me
The light you
Encountered on the street
Time to say goodbye
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you
Now, yes, I shall experience them
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know
No, no, exist no longer
With you I shall experience them
When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail
And yes, I know
That you are with me
You, my moon, are here with me
My sun, you are here with me
With me, with me, with me
Time to say goodbye
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you
Now, yes, I shall experience them
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know
No, no, exist no longer
With you I shall re-experience them
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know
No, no, exist no longer
With you I shall re-experience them
I'll go with you
I with you
English / Italian:
Quando sono solo
Sogno all'orizzonte
E mancan le parole
Si lo so che non c' luce
In una stanza
Quando manca il sole
Se non ci sei tu con me, con me
Su le finestre
Mostra a tutti il mio cuore
Che hai acceso
Chiudi dentro me
La luce che
Hai incontrato per strada
Time to say goodbye
Paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si li vivro
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
It's time to say goodbye
Quando sei lontana
Sogno all'orizzonte
E mancan le parole
E io si lo so
Che sei con me con me
Tu mia luna tu sei qui con me
Mio sole tu sei qui con me
Con me con me con me
Time to say goodbye
Paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te
Adesso si li vivro
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Con te io li rivivro
Con te partiro
Su navi per mari
Che io lo so
No no non esistono piu
Con te io li rivivro
Con te partiro
Io con te
13 July, 2008
Cigarrilos, Alcohol, rock'n roll
En los paquetes de cigarrillos se ven obligados advertir a los
consumidores sobre el peligro en el consumo excesivo de este
producto.
El gobierno está considerando emitir una ley que advierta a
los consumidores de BEBIDAS embriagantes del peligro por su
consumo en exceso, las leyendas propuestas son las siguientes:
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol es la causa principal
de bailar como idiota.
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede causar que diga
la misma historia aburrida una y otra vez hasta que sus amigos
quieran liarse a golpes hasta cansarse.
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede llevarlo a
pensar que sus ex-novias (os) están realmente desesperadas y deseosas
que las llame por teléfono a las cuatro de la mañana.
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol
puede hacerlo pensar que está susurrando cuando esta gritando
como poseso y escupiendo la cara
ADVERTENCIA! : El consumo de alcohol puede llevarlo a no
saber por que tienes lleno de barro su pantalón.
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede hacerlo pensar
que es experto en Kung Fu.
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede causar que por
la mañana mire al otro lado de su cama y vea algo escalofriante
(cuyo nombre y/o especie no puede recordar.)
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede crear la ilusión
de que es más fuerte, listo y más guapo que un tipo que te saca dos cabezas.
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede llevarlo a
pensar que es invisible o que puede traspasar paredes.
ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede realmente
PROVOCAR embarazo.
No te quedes con esta información y como yo, mándasela a un
amigo ebrio que de verdad aprecies. Te lo sabrá agradecer, y si
regresa significa que tienes un círculo de amistades que te aprecia!!!
P.D.: Yo no se porque me mandan estas cosas a mi, si yo no bebo.
09 July, 2008
La Quinta Estación › El Mundo Se Equivoca › Tu peor error
Hace tiempo que comento con la almohada,
Que tal vez soy para ti solo una carga,
Hace tiempo que ya no me creo nada,
Y he notado tu sonrisa algo cansada.
Con los días se amontonan los momentos,
Que perdimos por tratar de ser sinceros,
Y aunque no me creas creo que aún te creo,
Y aunque no me quieras creo que aún te quiero.
Y yo, perdida entre la confusión,
De no saber si, si o si no,
Voy esquivando tus miradas.
Yo, que he sido tu peor error,
Me quedo con la sensación,
De no tener las cosas claras.
He tocado con la punta de los dedos,
Ese cielo que prometes con tus besos,
Como niño me creí todos tus cuentos,
Y aunque tú me entiendas yo ya no te entiendo.
Solo quedan los recuerdos de ese invierno,
Que pasamos enterrado sentimientos,
Y aunque no me creas creo que aún te creo,
Y aunque no me quieras creo que aún te quiero.
Y yo, perdida entre la confusión,
De no saber si, si o si no,
Voy esquivando tus miradas.
Yo, que he sido tu peor error,
Me quedo con la sensación,
De no tener las cosas claras.
No he sido yo,
Lo amargo de tu voz,
La mala entre nosotros dos,
Y no pasa nada.
Si apago la luz,
Si busco y no estas tú,
Si el tiempo no nos dijo adiós
Y todo se acaba.
Yo,
Yo, perdida entre la confusión,
De no saber si, si o si no,
Voy esquivando tus miradas.
Yo, que he sido tu peor error,
Me quedo con la sensación,
De no tener las cosas claras.
Que tal vez soy para ti solo una carga,
Hace tiempo que ya no me creo nada,
Y he notado tu sonrisa algo cansada.
Con los días se amontonan los momentos,
Que perdimos por tratar de ser sinceros,
Y aunque no me creas creo que aún te creo,
Y aunque no me quieras creo que aún te quiero.
Y yo, perdida entre la confusión,
De no saber si, si o si no,
Voy esquivando tus miradas.
Yo, que he sido tu peor error,
Me quedo con la sensación,
De no tener las cosas claras.
He tocado con la punta de los dedos,
Ese cielo que prometes con tus besos,
Como niño me creí todos tus cuentos,
Y aunque tú me entiendas yo ya no te entiendo.
Solo quedan los recuerdos de ese invierno,
Que pasamos enterrado sentimientos,
Y aunque no me creas creo que aún te creo,
Y aunque no me quieras creo que aún te quiero.
Y yo, perdida entre la confusión,
De no saber si, si o si no,
Voy esquivando tus miradas.
Yo, que he sido tu peor error,
Me quedo con la sensación,
De no tener las cosas claras.
No he sido yo,
Lo amargo de tu voz,
La mala entre nosotros dos,
Y no pasa nada.
Si apago la luz,
Si busco y no estas tú,
Si el tiempo no nos dijo adiós
Y todo se acaba.
Yo,
Yo, perdida entre la confusión,
De no saber si, si o si no,
Voy esquivando tus miradas.
Yo, que he sido tu peor error,
Me quedo con la sensación,
De no tener las cosas claras.
06 July, 2008
Quaint Sayings
 | There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. |
| I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. |
| Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. |
| Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. |
| Don't worry about the world ending today ... It's already tomorrow in Australia |
| Of course if you happen to be in Australia, don’t worry about the world ending today … It’s already happened. |
| Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. |
| Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. |
| Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. |
| Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. |
| I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it? |
| A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. |
| A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. |
| Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. |
| A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly. |
| A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. |
| The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. |
| If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving. |
| The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. |
| He who hesitates is sometimes saved. |
| The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. |
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