The Cake is NOT a Lie

Braveheart Bits

Ach noo, the battle scenes were na’ all that bad. In fact, some of them were downright realistic. Part of that, may be due to the fact that many of the extras were members of the F.C.A. Irish army reserve. And since they were drawn from different companies, the “inside” rivalries in the ranks led to them putting their all into the fights, often with more enthusiasm than strictly required.

The movie even raised the ire of the S.P.C.A. who investigated director Mel Gibson, because they did not believe the highly realistic horseback scenes were faked. Only when they were shown videotapes of how the scenes were done, did they back down.

The horses were mechanical creations weighing 200 lbs. apiece. They ran up to 30mph on 20’ tracks, fueled by nitrogen cylinders.

The movie did “fall short” on a couple of things, though. For one, the original William Wallace was a bra’ lad all of 6’6”, who wielded a sword that was 5’7”. Since Mel Gibson is only 5’11”, his sword had to be reduced, proportionately.

And the face paint? Blue body paint for battle, had been out of use for some 800 years, since the end of the Roman era. But it looked so gosh darn good on film!

Magic Song

He he! Ha ho!
To the workshop he will go!

My Uncle's candy is so sweet! It's such a yummy winter's treat!
When the sugar is warmed by the pale hearth light
The happiness spreads throughout the night!

He he! Ha ho!
To the workshop he will go!

Uncle Sweetshare is coming near
To spread his candy and his cheer!
It's better than trinkets, games or toys
So say all the little girls and boys!

He he! Ha ho!
To the workshop he will go!

Candy, candy -- he makes so much!
Uncle Sweetshare has a magic touch!
So it's back to the workshop in the snow!
With lovely lanterns all aglow!

He he! Ha ho! He he he ha ha ho!

Ethnic jokes with Japanese people

Japanese mugger What does a Japanese mugger say? "Give me all your money or I'll kill myself!" Kamikaze Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilot fly back to the base? He forgot his helmet. Two men and a woman on a deserted island On a tropical island : On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two American men and one American woman Two Australian men and one Australian woman Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman One month later the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. The two American men are talking about football, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but hey, at least the taxes are low and it's not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting further instructions. The two Australian men beat each into a bloody mess for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both wankers'. Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but at least the English are not getting any. Three samurai and a fly Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"

A ver quien es más cabezón...

Un madrileño en Barcelona entra en un bar y pide una caña en castellano.
El camarero se la pone y le dice:
- Són nouranta-cinc cèntims
El madrileño deja sobre la barra noventa céntimos y sigue tomándose la caña tranquilamente. A lo que el camarero le dice:
- Escolti falten cinc cèntims
Y el madrileño ni puto caso, como quien oye llover. A lo que el camarero ya rebotado le suelta:
- Escolti que hem deu cinc cèntims; M'està escoltant perfectament.
Y el madrileño a lo suyo, tomándose la birrita, como si estuviese sólo en el local. Por fin el camarero, rojo de ira, y escupiendo las palabras dice:
- Oiga desgraciado. Me está oyendo y entendiendo perfectamente, págueme los cinco céntimos que me debe.
A lo que el madrileño sonriendo y echando mano al bolsillo para pagarle contesta:
- Ya sabía yo que por cinco céntimos acababas hablando castellano....

Political Bumper Stickers for 2008

1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush, Like a Rock - Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Who's God Do You Kill For?

14. Jail to the Chief

15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?

16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap

17. Bad President! No Banana.

18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

20. Is It Vietnam Yet?

21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?

23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

24. Dub ya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

26. Pray For Impeachment

27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

29. One Nation Under Clod

30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified

31. Bush Never Exhaled

32. At Least Nixon Resigned

Cows & Politics Explained

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Time it was Said !

This Pastor Has Guts:.....and may the Good Lord Bless his
ministries.

It seems prayer still upsets some people. Please read....

When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open
the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting
the usual generalities, but this is what they heard;

'Heavenly Father'

We come before you today to ask for your forgiveness and
to seek your direction and guidance.

We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good'

But

that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our
spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor And called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness And called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children
And called it building self esteem.

We have abused power And called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbor's Possessions
and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and Pornography
and called it Freedom of speech and expression.

We have ridiculed the time Honored values of our Forefathers
and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh,
God,

And know our hearts today;

Cleanse us from every sin

And set us free.

Amen!'

The response was immediate.

A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest.

In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor,
logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
responding negatively.

The church is now receiving international requests
for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea and many

other countries of the world both free and opressed.

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio Program, 'The
Rest of the Story,' and received a larger response to this program than
any other he has ever aired.

With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our Nation
and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called

'One Nation Under God.'

If possible, please pass this prayer on to your friends
'if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.'

Think about this:

If you forward this prayer to everyone on your e-mail list,
in less than 30 days it would be heard by the world.

How many people in your address book will not receive this prayer.....
do you have the guts to pass it on?

I just did!

It is OK if some folks get it twice ...they probably need it !

ZOMBIE KITTY!

EL móvil

Un grupo de hombres están dentro de una sauna de un club cuando
un móvil suena. Uno de los hombres lo coge y contesta:

- Sí?
- Cariño, eres tú? Es que se oye fatal.

- Hola.
- Estás en la sauna?
- Sí
- Es que estoy enfrente de un escaparate de una tienda, viendo
un abrigo de piel precioso. Puedo comprarlo?
- Cuanto vale?
- Pues 300.000 pesetas.
- Vale, y cómprate un bolso a juego, amor mío.
- Es que ..., bueno, resulta que he pasado por el concesionario
de coches y pensaba que igual era ya el momento de cambiar el
nuestro, así que entré y pregunté y no sabes qué? Pues resulta
que el BMW está en oferta y hay uno monísimo, que me ha gustado
mucho.
- Cuanto vale el coche con la oferta?
- Sólo 6 kilos, pero es que el coche es fantástico.
- Bueeeeeno, cómpralo y pide los accesorios, eh? Si sube un
poquitín más, como situación excepcional no me enfadaré

La mujer viendo que hoy todos sus pedidos 'colaban' decidió
arriesgarse.

- Cariño, recuerdas que mamá quería venir a vivir con nosotros?
te parece que la invite por un mes, como a prueba, y el mes que
viene lo volvemos a hablar?
- Bueeeeeeeeno, pero no pidas nada más, eh?.
- Si, si está bien. Ah, y... te quiero mucho!!
- Yo también te quiero, un besito y te dejo.

Al colgar el teléfono, el hombre se gira al grupo y pregunta:

- ¨¿De quién es este móvil?

Funny Quotations About France

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." —Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

Las costumbres sexuales de los europeos.

Un barco se hunde y los supervivientes quedan en una isla desierta.

En el barco viajaban:

a) 2 italianos y 1 italiana
b) 2 franceses y 1 francesa
c) 2 alemanes y 1 alemana
d) 2 griegos y 1 griega.
e) 2 ingleses y 1 inglesa.
f) 2 búlgaros y 1 búlgara.
g) 2 suecos y 1 sueca.
h) 2 irlandeses y 1 irlandesa.
i) 2 argentinos y 1 argentina.
j) 2 catalanes y 1 catalana.
k) 2 andaluces y 1 andaluza.
l) 2 vascos y 1 vasca.

Un mes después en esa bonita y desierta isla, la situación era.....

a) Uno de los italianos mató al otro por la mujer

b) Los dos franceses y la francesa viven juntos y felices en un 'menage a trois'.

c) Los dos alemanes llevan un estricto horario en el que se alternan para estar con la alemana.

d) Los dos griegos duermen juntos y la griega limpia y cocina para ellos.

e) Los dos ingleses esperan que alguien les presente a la inglesa.

f) Los dos búlgaros miraron primero al océano infinito, luego a la búlgara y entonces se echaron a nadar.

g) Los dos suecos contemplan la posibilidad del suicidio mientras la sueca les da la tabarra con lo de que su cuerpo es suyo y la verdadera naturaleza del feminismo. Al menos no nieva y los impuestos son reducidos.

h) Los irlandeses comenzaron dividiendo la isla en Región Norte y Región Sur e instalaron una destilería. Ellos no recuerdan si hay sexo a la vista, porque desde que se produjeron los primeros litros de whisky de coco hay una especie de neblina flotando que lo tapa todo, pero por lo menos saben que los ingleses no están teniendo ningún tipo de actividad sexual.

i) Después de un tiempo, se encontró a la argentina muy aburrida en un rincón de la isla, limpiándose las uñas con una ramita. Resulta que los argentinos ya no le dan bola, y pasan todo el día hablando de fútbol y de lo estupendos que son haciendo el amor.

j) El hecho diferencial de los catalanes consistió en alquilar la catalana a los suecos, y usar ese dinero para financiar a los irlandeses la construcción de una planta de destilación en su parcela de la isla, donde ellos trabajan a cambio de que las botellas de whisky de coco estén etiquetadas también en catalán. No follan, pero ahorran una barbaridad en condones.

k) Los andaluces se turnan para quedarse una de cada dos noches con la andaluza e irse la otra de copas con los irlandeses y poner a parir a los ingleses, italianos, franceses, alemanes y por supuesto, (y sobre todo), a los catalanes. Han conseguido que los irlandeses pasen de los catalanes y destilen una variedad de 'fino de coco'. De inmediato se han montado un calendario de fiestas de la hostia en su isla: que si feria de abril, que si Semana Santa, que si carnavales, que si romerías, que si día de Andalucía en el Exilio,...a las que se apuntan todos los demás.

l) Los vascos se dedican a cortar los troncos de coco, levantar piedras, boicotear a los andaluces y en el terreno sexual, a cascarse pajas: ya sabéis, ante todo independencia.

take-off

Mutant Rhyme

A is for Angel, who soars with the birds.
B is for Beast, who uses very big words.
C is for Cypher, shot in a fight.
D is for Dust, who wears her burqa too tight.
E is for Empath, not a giver; a taker.
F is for Forge also known as the Maker.
G is for Gambit, whose accent perplexes.
H is for Havok and his many complexes.
I is for Iceman who loves absolute zero.
J is for Juggernaut who’s playing at hero.
K is for Karma, the niece of a crime lord.
L is for Lila, once queen of the rock chord.
M is for Magneto, who is rather intense.
N is for Nightcrawler who has a tail and can fence.
O is for Onslaught, a sorry occasion.
P is for Psylocke, once English, now Asian.
Q is for Quentin, one of Xavier’s ex-pupils.
R is for Roulette, a Hellion without scruples.
S is for Strong Guy who is strong…and a guy.
T is for Thunderbird, the first one to die.
U is for Unus, who is strongly protected.
V is for Vulcan, a brother neglected.
W is for Wolfsbane, who’s been let off her leash.
X is for X-23, just another pastiche.
Y is for Yukio, one of Claremont’s inventions.
Z is for Zaladane, with evil intentions.

Do you have one?