- Save the whales. Collect the whole set
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Remember half the people you know are below average.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever - so far so good.
- Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
- Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
07 April, 2011
Witty One-liners
19 February, 2011
The Latin Corner
MATER MEMENTO MORI
Remeber your mortality.
NUNC EST BIBENDUM
Now it's time to drink.
QUI ME AMAT, AMAT ET CANEM MEAM
Love me, love my dog.
DOCENDO DISCIMUS
We learn by teaching.
SCIENTIA EST POTENTIA
Knowledge is power.
SI HOC NON LEGERE POTES TU ASINUS ES
If you can't read this, you're an ass. (asinus also means "idiot")
TUA MATER TAM ANTIQUIOR UT LINGUAM LATINE LOQUATUR
Your mother is so old she speaks Latin
VENI VIDI DUCI
I came, I saw, I calculated
The inscription on the Fields Medal:
TRANSIRE SUUM PECTUS MUNDOQUE POTIRI
to overcome one's human limitations and become master of the universe
ERRARE HUMANUM EST
To err is human
MONSTRA MIHI PECUNIAM
Show me the money.
LUKE SUM IPSE PATREM TE
Luke, I am your father.
POTESTATEM OBSCURI LATERIS NESCIS
You don't know the power of the dark side.
SIT VIS VOBISCUM
May the Force be with you.
IRE FORTITER QUO NEMO ANTE IIT
To boldly go where no man has gone before.
MAGNUS FRATER SPECTAT TE
Big Brother is watching you.
CREDO ELVEM IPSUM ETAIM VIVERE
I think Elvis is still alive.
SANCTA SIMPLICITAS
O holy simplicity / O holy ignorance (choose the one you like best)
FUTUE TE ET IPSUM CABALLUM
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
The beginning of Catullus 16:
PEDICABO EGO VOS ET IRRUMABO
I will fuck you in the ass, and have you give me some good head.
IMPUDENS ES LENO
Bastard! (really "You shameless pimp" and it's a real insult)
SPUCATUM TAURI
bull shit
PERITE
Fuck off! (really "go through (to the netherworld)")
ORCAE ITA
Pretty straightforward
DUCO ERGO SUM
I calculate therefore I am
CAVE CANEM
Beware of the dog
MORS ULTIMA RATIO
Death is the final accounting
QUINON PROFICIT DEFICIT
He who does not advance, go backwards.
IN VINO VERITAS
In wine is truth.
NE QUID NIMIS
Moderation in all things.
REQUIESCAT IN PACE
Rest in peace.
PAX VOBISCUM
Peace be with you.
CARPE DIEM QUAM MINIMUM CREDULA POSTERO
Sieze the day, put no trust in tomorrow.
NOMINA STULTORUM PARIETIBUS HOERENT
The names of fools are seen upon the walls.
BELUA MULTORUM ES CAPITUM
The people are a many-headed beast.
TANTA STULTITIA MORTALIUM EST
What fools these mortals be.
VAE VICTIS
Woe to the conquered!
QUANDO OMNI FLUNKUS MORITATUS
When all else fails play dead.
NIL ILLEGITIMUS CARBORUNDUM
Don't let the bastards get you down.
CATAPULTAM HABEO. NISI PECUNIAM OMNEM MIHI DABIS, AD CAPUT TUUM SAXUM IMMANE MITTAM
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
CONFACIMUS NAVEGEMUS
Fuck it -- let's go sailing.
NON RAPE ME SI PLACET
Please don't rob me.
MEI CAPILLI SUNT FLAGRANTES
My hair is on fire
SUNTNE VACCI LAETI
Are your cows happy?
SI MINOR PLUS EST ERGO NIHIL SUNT OMNIA
If less is more, then nothing is everything.
TU STUPIDUS ES
You are dumb.
MEUM CEREBRUM NOCET
My brain hurts.
CRAPULAM TERRIBLEM HABEO
I have a terrible hangover.
VITA CONTIN GIT. VIVE COM EO
Life happens. Live with it.
SUPPEDISNE
Did you fart quietly?
TUA TOGA SUSPINA EST
Your toga is backwards
CUR ETIAM HIC ES
Why are you still here?
HOMINES QUOD VOLUNT CREDUNT
Men believe what they want to.
UBI FUMUS IBI IGNIS
Where there's smoke, there's fire
ALEA IACTA EST
The die has been cast.
EXIGI MONUMENTUM AERE PERENNIUS
I have erected a monument more lasting than bronze. (Horace)
NOVUS ORDO SAECULORUM
A new order of ages.
FIAT LUX
Let there be light.
QUI TACET CONSENTIT
He who is silent agrees.
NULLUM GRATUITUM PRANDIUM
There is no free lunch.
HOMO HOMINI LUPUS
A man to a man is like a wolf.
HIC PUER EST STULTISSIMUS OMNIUM
This boy is the stupidest of all!
Vergil, Aeinid II.49
QUIDQUID ID EST, TIMEO DANAOS ET DONA FERENTES.
Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks, even bearing gifts.
QUIDUID ID ESET TIMEO PUELLAS ET OSCULA DANTES
Whatever it is, I fear the girls, even when they kiss.
VIR SAPIT QUI PAUCA LOQUITOR
It is a wise man who speaks little
Quintilian Istitutio Oratia, III
STUDIUM DISCENDI VOLUTATE QUAE COGI NON POTEST CONSTAT
Study depends on the good will of the student, a quality which cannot be secured by compulsion.
REPETITIO EST MATER STUDIORUM
Repetition is the mother of studies.
Richard de BuryPhilobiblion, I, 9:
POSTREMO PENSANDUM
QUANTA DOCTRINAE COMMODITAS SIT IN LIBRIS
QUAM FACILIS, QUAM ARCANA!
QUAM TUTO LIBRIS HUMANAE IGNORANTIA PAUPERTATEM
SINE VERECUNDIA DENUDAMUS!
HI SUNT MAGISTRI QUI NOS INSTRUUNT
SINE VIRGIS ET FERULA,
SINE VERBIS ET CHOLERA, SINE PANNIS ET PECUNIA.
SI ACCEDIS, NON DORMIUNT;
SI INQUIRENS INTERROGAS, NON ABSCONDUNT;
NON REMURMURANT SI OBERRES;
CACHINNOS NESCIUNT, SI IGNORES
And finally, one must consider how great the ease of learning
there is in books, how yeilding, how trusty!
How safely we reveal, without shyness, in the face of our books
the poverty of our human ignorance!
They are teachers who instruct us without switches or rods,
without slaps or anger, without notice of rags or riches.
If you approach them, they are not asleep;
If you ask a question, they do not hide;
They do not mutter at you if you make a mistake;
When you are ignorant, they do not know how to laugh at you.
VAH! DENUONE LATINE LOQUEBAR? ME INEPTUM. INTERDUM MODO ELABITUR.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips pout.
FELES MALA! CUR CISTA NON UTERIS? STRAMENTUM NOVUM IN EA POSUI.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.
(at a barbeque)
ANIMADVERTISTINE, UBICUMQUE STES, FUMUM RECTA IN FACIEM FERRI?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
HOCINE BIBO AUT IN EUM DIGITOS INSERO?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
IMUS AD MAGUM OZI VIDENDUM, MAGUM OZI MIRUM MIRISSIMUM.
We are going to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
SOLUM POTESTIS PROHIBERE IGNES SILVARUM
Only you can prevent forest fires.
CLAMO, CLAMATIS, OMNES CLAMAMUS PRO GLACE LACTIS
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
HABETIS BONA DEUM
Have a nice day.
VACCA STULTA
Stupid cow
UTINAM LOGICA FALSA TUAM PHILOSOPHIAM TOTAL SUFFODIANT!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
RECIDITE, PLEBES! GERO REM IMPERIALEM!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
UTINAM BARBARI SPATIUM PROSPRIUM TUUM INVADANT!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
MACDONALDUS SENEX FUNDUM HABET. E-I-E-I-O. ET IN HOC FUNDO, NONNULLAS BOVES DOMESTICAS HABET. E-I-E-I-O. CUM MOO MOO HIC, CUM MOO MOO IBI. HIC UNA MOO, IBI UNA MOO, UBIQUE UNA MOO MOO. MACDONALDUS SENEX FUNDUM HABET. E-I-E-I-O.
Old MacDonald has a farm. E-I-E-I-O. And on this farm, he has some cows. E-I-E-I-O. With a moo moo here, with a moo moo there. Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo. Old MacDonald has a farm. E-I-E-I-O.
UBI SUNT PORCI QUOQUOMODO?
Where are the pigs already?
DEMUM VENIUNT PORCI.
At last, here come the pigs.
QUISQUE COMOEDUM EST.
Everybody is a comedian.
NON PLAUDITE. MODO PECUNIAM JACITE.
Don't applaud. Just throw money.
PLUS! PERGE! AIO! HUI! HEM!
More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
SPERO NOS FAMILIARES MANSUROS.
I hope we'll still be friends.
TE PRECOR DUNCISSIME SUPPLEX!
Pretty please with cherry on top!
MAGISTER MUNDI SUM!
I am the Master of the Universe!
FACME COCLEARIO VOMERE!
Gag me with a spoon!
VESCERE BRACIS MEIS!
Eat my shorts!
DI! ECCE HORA! UXOR MEA ME NECABIT!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
ESTNE VOLUMEN IN TOGA, AN SOLUM TIBI LIBET ME VIDERE?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just glad to see me?
CUM CATAPULTAE PROSCRIPTAE ERUNT TUM SOLI PROSCRIPT CATAPULTAS HABEBUNT.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
PURGAMENTUM INIT, EXIT PURGAMENTUM
Garbage in, garbage out.
TE AUDIRE NO POSSUM. MUSA SAPIENTUM FIXA EST IN AURE.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
SENTIO ALIQUOS TOGATOS CONTRA ME CONSPIRARE.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
ANTIQUIS TEMPORIBUS, NATI TIBI SIMILES IN RUPIBUS VENTOSISSIMIS EXPONEBANTUR AD NECEM.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.
CAESAR SI VIVERET, AD REMUM DARERIS.
If Ceasar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
QUANTUM MATERIAE MATERIETUR MARMOTA MONAX SI MARMOTA MONAX MATERIAM POSSIT MATERIARI?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
DUCATOR MEUS NIHIL AGIT SINE LAGUNCULAE LEYNIDAE ACCEDUNT.
My calculator does not work without batteries.
NIHIL CURO DE ISTA TUA STULTA SUPERSTITIONE.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
ROMANI QUIDEM ARTEM AMATORIAM INVENERUNT.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
NEUTIQUAM ERRO.
I am not lost.
OLIM HABEAS EORUM PECUNIAM, NUMQUAM EAM REDDIS: PRIMA REGULA QUAESITUS.
Once you have their money, you never give it back: the 1st Rule of Acquisiton.
MAIOR RISUS, ACRIOR ENSIS: QUADRAGESIMA OCTAVA REGULA QUAESITUS.
The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife: the 48th Rule of Acquisition
NEMO SALTAT SOBRIUS NISI FORTE INSANIT.
Nobody dances sober unless he's insane.
FRUSTRA LABORANT QUOTQUOT SE CALCULATIONIBUS FATIGANT PRO INVENTIONE QUADRATURAE CIRCULI.
Futile is the labor of those who fatigue themselves with calculations to square the circle. (Michael Stifel, 1544)
Remeber your mortality.
NUNC EST BIBENDUM
Now it's time to drink.
QUI ME AMAT, AMAT ET CANEM MEAM
Love me, love my dog.
DOCENDO DISCIMUS
We learn by teaching.
SCIENTIA EST POTENTIA
Knowledge is power.
SI HOC NON LEGERE POTES TU ASINUS ES
If you can't read this, you're an ass. (asinus also means "idiot")
TUA MATER TAM ANTIQUIOR UT LINGUAM LATINE LOQUATUR
Your mother is so old she speaks Latin
VENI VIDI DUCI
I came, I saw, I calculated
The inscription on the Fields Medal:
TRANSIRE SUUM PECTUS MUNDOQUE POTIRI
to overcome one's human limitations and become master of the universe
ERRARE HUMANUM EST
To err is human
MONSTRA MIHI PECUNIAM
Show me the money.
LUKE SUM IPSE PATREM TE
Luke, I am your father.
POTESTATEM OBSCURI LATERIS NESCIS
You don't know the power of the dark side.
SIT VIS VOBISCUM
May the Force be with you.
IRE FORTITER QUO NEMO ANTE IIT
To boldly go where no man has gone before.
MAGNUS FRATER SPECTAT TE
Big Brother is watching you.
CREDO ELVEM IPSUM ETAIM VIVERE
I think Elvis is still alive.
SANCTA SIMPLICITAS
O holy simplicity / O holy ignorance (choose the one you like best)
FUTUE TE ET IPSUM CABALLUM
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
The beginning of Catullus 16:
PEDICABO EGO VOS ET IRRUMABO
I will fuck you in the ass, and have you give me some good head.
IMPUDENS ES LENO
Bastard! (really "You shameless pimp" and it's a real insult)
SPUCATUM TAURI
bull shit
PERITE
Fuck off! (really "go through (to the netherworld)")
ORCAE ITA
Pretty straightforward
DUCO ERGO SUM
I calculate therefore I am
CAVE CANEM
Beware of the dog
MORS ULTIMA RATIO
Death is the final accounting
QUINON PROFICIT DEFICIT
He who does not advance, go backwards.
IN VINO VERITAS
In wine is truth.
NE QUID NIMIS
Moderation in all things.
REQUIESCAT IN PACE
Rest in peace.
PAX VOBISCUM
Peace be with you.
CARPE DIEM QUAM MINIMUM CREDULA POSTERO
Sieze the day, put no trust in tomorrow.
NOMINA STULTORUM PARIETIBUS HOERENT
The names of fools are seen upon the walls.
BELUA MULTORUM ES CAPITUM
The people are a many-headed beast.
TANTA STULTITIA MORTALIUM EST
What fools these mortals be.
VAE VICTIS
Woe to the conquered!
QUANDO OMNI FLUNKUS MORITATUS
When all else fails play dead.
NIL ILLEGITIMUS CARBORUNDUM
Don't let the bastards get you down.
CATAPULTAM HABEO. NISI PECUNIAM OMNEM MIHI DABIS, AD CAPUT TUUM SAXUM IMMANE MITTAM
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
CONFACIMUS NAVEGEMUS
Fuck it -- let's go sailing.
NON RAPE ME SI PLACET
Please don't rob me.
MEI CAPILLI SUNT FLAGRANTES
My hair is on fire
SUNTNE VACCI LAETI
Are your cows happy?
SI MINOR PLUS EST ERGO NIHIL SUNT OMNIA
If less is more, then nothing is everything.
TU STUPIDUS ES
You are dumb.
MEUM CEREBRUM NOCET
My brain hurts.
CRAPULAM TERRIBLEM HABEO
I have a terrible hangover.
VITA CONTIN GIT. VIVE COM EO
Life happens. Live with it.
SUPPEDISNE
Did you fart quietly?
TUA TOGA SUSPINA EST
Your toga is backwards
CUR ETIAM HIC ES
Why are you still here?
HOMINES QUOD VOLUNT CREDUNT
Men believe what they want to.
UBI FUMUS IBI IGNIS
Where there's smoke, there's fire
ALEA IACTA EST
The die has been cast.
EXIGI MONUMENTUM AERE PERENNIUS
I have erected a monument more lasting than bronze. (Horace)
NOVUS ORDO SAECULORUM
A new order of ages.
FIAT LUX
Let there be light.
QUI TACET CONSENTIT
He who is silent agrees.
NULLUM GRATUITUM PRANDIUM
There is no free lunch.
HOMO HOMINI LUPUS
A man to a man is like a wolf.
HIC PUER EST STULTISSIMUS OMNIUM
This boy is the stupidest of all!
Vergil, Aeinid II.49
QUIDQUID ID EST, TIMEO DANAOS ET DONA FERENTES.
Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks, even bearing gifts.
QUIDUID ID ESET TIMEO PUELLAS ET OSCULA DANTES
Whatever it is, I fear the girls, even when they kiss.
VIR SAPIT QUI PAUCA LOQUITOR
It is a wise man who speaks little
Quintilian Istitutio Oratia, III
STUDIUM DISCENDI VOLUTATE QUAE COGI NON POTEST CONSTAT
Study depends on the good will of the student, a quality which cannot be secured by compulsion.
REPETITIO EST MATER STUDIORUM
Repetition is the mother of studies.
Richard de BuryPhilobiblion, I, 9:
POSTREMO PENSANDUM
QUANTA DOCTRINAE COMMODITAS SIT IN LIBRIS
QUAM FACILIS, QUAM ARCANA!
QUAM TUTO LIBRIS HUMANAE IGNORANTIA PAUPERTATEM
SINE VERECUNDIA DENUDAMUS!
HI SUNT MAGISTRI QUI NOS INSTRUUNT
SINE VIRGIS ET FERULA,
SINE VERBIS ET CHOLERA, SINE PANNIS ET PECUNIA.
SI ACCEDIS, NON DORMIUNT;
SI INQUIRENS INTERROGAS, NON ABSCONDUNT;
NON REMURMURANT SI OBERRES;
CACHINNOS NESCIUNT, SI IGNORES
And finally, one must consider how great the ease of learning
there is in books, how yeilding, how trusty!
How safely we reveal, without shyness, in the face of our books
the poverty of our human ignorance!
They are teachers who instruct us without switches or rods,
without slaps or anger, without notice of rags or riches.
If you approach them, they are not asleep;
If you ask a question, they do not hide;
They do not mutter at you if you make a mistake;
When you are ignorant, they do not know how to laugh at you.
VAH! DENUONE LATINE LOQUEBAR? ME INEPTUM. INTERDUM MODO ELABITUR.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips pout.
FELES MALA! CUR CISTA NON UTERIS? STRAMENTUM NOVUM IN EA POSUI.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.
(at a barbeque)
ANIMADVERTISTINE, UBICUMQUE STES, FUMUM RECTA IN FACIEM FERRI?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
HOCINE BIBO AUT IN EUM DIGITOS INSERO?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
IMUS AD MAGUM OZI VIDENDUM, MAGUM OZI MIRUM MIRISSIMUM.
We are going to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
SOLUM POTESTIS PROHIBERE IGNES SILVARUM
Only you can prevent forest fires.
CLAMO, CLAMATIS, OMNES CLAMAMUS PRO GLACE LACTIS
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
HABETIS BONA DEUM
Have a nice day.
VACCA STULTA
Stupid cow
UTINAM LOGICA FALSA TUAM PHILOSOPHIAM TOTAL SUFFODIANT!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
RECIDITE, PLEBES! GERO REM IMPERIALEM!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
UTINAM BARBARI SPATIUM PROSPRIUM TUUM INVADANT!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
MACDONALDUS SENEX FUNDUM HABET. E-I-E-I-O. ET IN HOC FUNDO, NONNULLAS BOVES DOMESTICAS HABET. E-I-E-I-O. CUM MOO MOO HIC, CUM MOO MOO IBI. HIC UNA MOO, IBI UNA MOO, UBIQUE UNA MOO MOO. MACDONALDUS SENEX FUNDUM HABET. E-I-E-I-O.
Old MacDonald has a farm. E-I-E-I-O. And on this farm, he has some cows. E-I-E-I-O. With a moo moo here, with a moo moo there. Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo. Old MacDonald has a farm. E-I-E-I-O.
UBI SUNT PORCI QUOQUOMODO?
Where are the pigs already?
DEMUM VENIUNT PORCI.
At last, here come the pigs.
QUISQUE COMOEDUM EST.
Everybody is a comedian.
NON PLAUDITE. MODO PECUNIAM JACITE.
Don't applaud. Just throw money.
PLUS! PERGE! AIO! HUI! HEM!
More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
SPERO NOS FAMILIARES MANSUROS.
I hope we'll still be friends.
TE PRECOR DUNCISSIME SUPPLEX!
Pretty please with cherry on top!
MAGISTER MUNDI SUM!
I am the Master of the Universe!
FACME COCLEARIO VOMERE!
Gag me with a spoon!
VESCERE BRACIS MEIS!
Eat my shorts!
DI! ECCE HORA! UXOR MEA ME NECABIT!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
ESTNE VOLUMEN IN TOGA, AN SOLUM TIBI LIBET ME VIDERE?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just glad to see me?
CUM CATAPULTAE PROSCRIPTAE ERUNT TUM SOLI PROSCRIPT CATAPULTAS HABEBUNT.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
PURGAMENTUM INIT, EXIT PURGAMENTUM
Garbage in, garbage out.
TE AUDIRE NO POSSUM. MUSA SAPIENTUM FIXA EST IN AURE.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
SENTIO ALIQUOS TOGATOS CONTRA ME CONSPIRARE.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
ANTIQUIS TEMPORIBUS, NATI TIBI SIMILES IN RUPIBUS VENTOSISSIMIS EXPONEBANTUR AD NECEM.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.
CAESAR SI VIVERET, AD REMUM DARERIS.
If Ceasar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
QUANTUM MATERIAE MATERIETUR MARMOTA MONAX SI MARMOTA MONAX MATERIAM POSSIT MATERIARI?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
DUCATOR MEUS NIHIL AGIT SINE LAGUNCULAE LEYNIDAE ACCEDUNT.
My calculator does not work without batteries.
NIHIL CURO DE ISTA TUA STULTA SUPERSTITIONE.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
ROMANI QUIDEM ARTEM AMATORIAM INVENERUNT.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
NEUTIQUAM ERRO.
I am not lost.
OLIM HABEAS EORUM PECUNIAM, NUMQUAM EAM REDDIS: PRIMA REGULA QUAESITUS.
Once you have their money, you never give it back: the 1st Rule of Acquisiton.
MAIOR RISUS, ACRIOR ENSIS: QUADRAGESIMA OCTAVA REGULA QUAESITUS.
The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife: the 48th Rule of Acquisition
NEMO SALTAT SOBRIUS NISI FORTE INSANIT.
Nobody dances sober unless he's insane.
FRUSTRA LABORANT QUOTQUOT SE CALCULATIONIBUS FATIGANT PRO INVENTIONE QUADRATURAE CIRCULI.
Futile is the labor of those who fatigue themselves with calculations to square the circle. (Michael Stifel, 1544)
02 February, 2011
20 January, 2011
Frases de Chiquito II
- Es más transcendente que la adolescencia de Perry Maison.
- Es más verde que una rana del Greenpeace.
- Es un programa más verde que las tortugas ninja.
- Es un tipo más duro que el caparazón de las Tortugas Ninja.
- Esa película de Karate tenía más llaves que el mayordomo de la Preysler.
- Ese reloj tiene más cuartos que la casa de la Preysler.
- Eso es más difícil que doblar el culo.
- Eso es más improbable que un concierto de Madonna en la Plaza de San Pedro.
- Esta película va a ser más taquillera que una peli porno de Heidi.
- Estamos dando más vueltas que un maricón en un puesto de bragas.
- Estas mas perdido que la aguja del pajar.
- Estas menos en casa que la mama de Marco.
- Estas más agobiado que el chapista del Mazinger Z.
- Estas más aprovechao que un gorrino en Ruanda.
- Estas más atacada que la nave de Star Trek.
- Estas más cerrado que el fistro de la Barbi.
- Estas más clavao que el Cristo de los gitanos.
- Estas más colgado que un jamón pata negra en la casa de Mario Conde.
- Estas más coordinado que un ataque de "lo" Power Rangers".
- Estas más descolorido que el payaso de Micolor.
- Estas más desequilibrado que el psiquiatra de los muñecos de José Luis Moreno.
- Estas más despeinado que Loyola de Palacio.
- Estas más expropiado que la abeja de Rumasa.
- Estas más hinchado que los condones de Accion Man.
- Estas más indefenso que Pepe Navarro sin guión.
- Estas más juguetón que el perro de Scotex en casa de Isabel Preysler.
- Estas más mazizo/a que los neumáticos de un Tronco Mobil.
- Estas más nervioso que Marco en el Sorpresa Sorpresa.
- Estas más perdido que el carro de Manolo Escobar.
- Estas más perdido que la veneno en los mundos de yuppi.
- Estas más perdido que un hijo puta en el día del padre.
- Estas más perdido que un pedo en un jacuzzi.
- Estas más preparado que los videos de primera.
- Estas más quemado que los asientos del Challenger.
- Estas más reforzada que la plantilla del Depor.
- Estas más salido que el capullo de un preso.
- Estas más salido que el hombre de Martini.
- Estas más satisfecha que la mona Chita después de hacer la caidíta de Roma con King Kong.
- Estas más solicitado que la Línea Directa Aseguradora Grijander.
- Estas más solo que un Danone sin un pack de seis.
- Estas más tenso que el fistro del marido de Estefania.
- Estas más vacio que una gala de los Pekenikes.
- Estas más vista que el reloj de la Carta de ajuste.
- Estas peor acabado que el coche de Colombo.
- Este hombre tiene más peligro que Diego Armando Metadona en una farmacia.
- Esto dura más que lo que el viento se llevó.
- Esto es más triste que el velatorio de Chanquete.
- Esto está más liado que el final de Falcon Crest.
- Estoy más aburrido que un DJ en un submarino.
- Estoy más agobiado que Dar Vader sin careta,te das cuennnnn!!!!
- Estoy más animado que los dibujos de Walt Disney.
- Estoy más espeso que un batido de adoquines.
- Estoy más mosqueado que un pavo oyendo una pandereta.
- Estoy más nervioso que Dumbo haciendo funambulismo.
- Estoy más nervioso que un filete de diez duros.
- Estoy más oculto que un piojo en la cabeza de Pepe Navarro.
- Estoy más perdido que un pato en un garaje.
- Estoy más quemao que los palos dun churrero.
- Está más aburrido que un ping?ino en una bodega.
- Está más buena que la casa de Hansel & Gretel.
- Está más buena que la cuenta corriente de Naomi Cambell.
- Está más caliente que el microondas de la Susana Estrada.
- Está más calvo que Mr. Propper después de un holocausto nuclear.
- Está más cantado que la Macarena.
- Está más chungo que la nariz de Paco Rabal.
- Está más colgado que las botas de Puskas.
- Está más colgao que mi ordenador con el Nescafib.
- Está más confundido que un borracho bebiendo champú.
- Está más contao que las uvas de fin de año.
- Está más contento que McGyver de invitado en Bricomanía.
- Está más contento que Rossy de Palma con una reconversión facial.
- Está más desorientado que una brújula en una lavadora.
- Está más enrrollado que un perro con 3 cojones.
- Está más estresado que el Lobatón buscando al hombre invisible.
- Está más gastado que la goma de borrar de Pitagorín.
- Está más lleno que el neceser de McGyver.
- Está más maciza que la armadura de Batman. (Batsister)
- Está más maciza que las botas de Chuck Norris.
- Está más maciza que las lentillas de la Dama de Elche.
- Está más negro que los cojones de un grillo.
- Está más perdido que una vaca en la M30.
- Está más rígido que el bigote de Charles Bronsom.
- Está más trabajada que el tipassssso de la Bibi Andersen.
- Está más triste que Adán en el día de las Madres.
- Está más vacia que una gala de los Pecos.
- Está más vacío que la cafetería de fama el día del exámen.
- Está más visto que los goles del España vs Malta.
- Está tan mal la cosa que me he comprado una escopeta pa ir tirando.
- Estás más abollado que la escupidera de un loco.
- Estás más acabado que Luis Aguilé.
- Estás más acojonado que Naranjito en la fábrica de Zumosol.
- Estás más acorralado que los gérmenes del Pato WC.
- Estás más agobiado que Espinete concursando en Cifras y letras.
- Estás más apretadito que la compresa de la Rafaela Carrá.
- Estás más asustao que un negro en la Semana Santa de Sevilla.
- Estás más atacado que el niño de la Obregón.
- Estás más atacado que la nave de Star Trek.
- Estás más cabreado que el casero del Fugitivo.
- Estás más caliente que el machete de Sandokán.
- Estás más caliente que el mechero de Colombo.
- Estás más caliente que el taburete de la Sharon Stone.
- Estás más caliente que el tubo de escape del Apolo XIII.
- Estás más caliente que la "culata" del Enterprise.
- Estás más caliente que la camiseta de la Sabrina.
- Estás más caliente que las barandillas del infierno.
- Estás más callada que una puta en Semana Santa.
- Estás más calvo que el sobaco de la rana Gustavo.
- Estás más cargado que la furgoneta del Equipo A.
- Estás más chupao que la pipa de un indio.
- Estás más colgao que el abuelo de Heidi fumando marihuana.
- Estás más completa que el seguro del coche fantástico.
- Estás más contento que McGyver de invitado en Bricomanía!!.
- Estás más descolorido que M. Jackson. (kunta)
- Estás más desperdiciado que Marlon Brandon vestido de Don Pinpón.
- Estás más desprestigiado que un disco en directo de los Milli Vanilli.
- Estás más falto de afecto que la cabra de un circo.
- Estás más flojo que el pedo de un modosito.
- Estás más frio que el público de un concierto de Nana Mouskury.
- Estás más gastado que la piedra del mechero de Bob Marley.
- Estás más hecho polvo que Rominger subiendo el Tourmalet.
- Estás más hinchado que el Curriculum de Roldán.
- Estás más ilocalizable que Papá Noel en Nochebuena.
- Estás más mojado que el submarino de los Beatels.
- Estás más mosqueado que los Beatles cuando se enteraron de que a John Lennon le gustaba el Fary.
- Estás más mosqueao que un pavo en Navidad.
- Estás más nervioso que Marco en "Sorpresa, Sorpresa".
- Estás más oculto que los papeles del CESID.
- Estás más parado que el barco de Chanquete.
- Estás más perdido que Michael Knight en un Seat Panda.
- Estás más perdido que Wally en el Frente Atlético.
- Estás más perdido que caperucita en el bosque.
- Estás más perdido que el Fari en un concierto de Heavy Metal.
- Estás más perdido que el arca de Indiana Jones.
- Estás más perdido que el carro de Manolo Escobar.
- Estás más perdido que la aguja de pajar.
- Estás más perdido que un billete de mil duros prestado al Tamaríz.
- Estás más perdido que una gitana en un cuarto de baño.
- Estás más picado que las muelas del príncipe de Bequelar.
- Estás más prieto que el tanga de Rappel en la cena de Nochebuena.
- Estás más quemado que el cenicero de un bingo.
- Estás más quemado que el mapa de Bonanza.
- Estás más quemado que la azotea del coloso en llamas.
- Estás más quemao que la cafetera del Virginiano.
- Estás más rojo que el fistro de la Veneno.
- Estás más salida que el anagrama del Corte Inglés.
- Estás más salido que las orejas de Chapis.
- Estás más salido que un mono hinchado a tauritones.
- Estás más seco que el chocho de una saharahui en medio del desierto.
- Estás más sobada que la barandilla del metro.
- Estás más solo que un Ministerio a la hora del café.
- Estás más tenso que el Mr T. en un F16.
- Estás más tenso que el arco de Orzowei.
- Estás más tenso que el sujetador de Rocio Jurado.
- Estás más tranquilo que la Casa de la Pradera a la hora de la Misa.
- Estás más visto que las corbatas de Carrascal.
- Estás más visto que una bolsa del Corte Inglés.
Frases de Chiquito
- Eres más grande que el sujetador de Florinda Chico.
- Eres más grande que las orejas de Chapis.
- Eres más guarro que el palo de un gallinero.
- Eres más guarro que la cama de Babe.
- Eres más guarro que una web de Playboy.
- Eres más hortera que ir a comprar al Pryca en pijama.
- Eres más hortera que un martillo estampado.
- Eres más inculto que una ventosidad de Jesus Gil.
- Eres más indeciso que Hamlet haciendo la bonomenosloto.
- Eres más infantil que un poster de Playboy en una reunión del Opus Dei.
- Eres más infantil que un saco de chupachups.
- Eres más insoportable que la final de tunas de Gente Joven.
- Eres más insoportable que una pelicula de Bruce Willis en V.O.
- Eres más instantáneo que un vaso de leche con Nesquik.
- Eres más internacional que los juanetes de Willy Fox.
- Eres más internacional que los juanetes de una azafata.
- Eres más inutil que la compresa de Bibi Andersen.
- Eres más inutil que una moto con puertas.
- Eres más inútil que el Cenicero de una moto.
- Eres más inútil que el logopeda de Rambo.
- Eres más inútil que el sentido de la vida de un Madelman.
- Eres más inútil que la primera rebanada del pan Bimbo.
- Eres más inútil que un cenicero en una moto.
- Eres más inútil que una nevera en el Polo norte.
- Eres más largo que el campo de Oliver y Benji.
- Eres más largo que el campo del New Team (el de campeones).
- Eres más largo que el columpio de Heidi.
- Eres más lento que Carmen Sevilla haciendo una división con decimales.
- Eres más lento que Mulder haciendole la caidita de Roma a la Scully.
- Eres más lento que dejar a la Barbie embarazada.
- Eres más lento que la red de la ETSII de Granada.
- Eres más lento que un desfile perolas.
- Eres más lento que una carrera de Berberechos.
- Eres más lento que una procesión de cojos.
- Eres más lila que el vampiro de Barrio Sésamo.
- Eres más llamativa que un Rallye de mejillones.
- Eres más malo que Chiquito de la Calzada.
- Eres más malo que Tachenco en la NBA.
- Eres más malo que la programación de Tele Honduras.
- Eres más místico que Mulder viendo E.T.
- Eres más negro que el sobaco de un escarabajo.
- Eres más negro que una noche de truenos.
- Eres más patoso que Dumbo fregando suelos.
- Eres más patoso que el oso Yogui en patiucas.
- Eres más peligoso que espinete vendiendo condones.
- Eres más peligroso que Caco Senante en el camarote de hemanos Marx.
- Eres más peligroso que Espinete en el bidé.
- Eres más peligroso que Pamela Anderson en una maternidad.
- Eres más peligroso que Rambo en un restaurante vietnamita.
- Eres más peligroso que Simeone bailando un zapateado.
- Eres más peligroso que el Fary cuando se le llama bajito.
- Eres más peligroso que el pájaro loco de ATS.
- Eres más peligroso que hacer "puenting" en una pirámide.
- Eres más peligroso que la infancia de Alcapone.
- Eres más peligroso que un 600 con las puertas abiertas.
- Eres más peligroso que un apagón en el ARNY, que se te caen 5000 pelas y no te agachas a cogerlas.
- Eres más peligroso que un pelotazo de Whisky en ayunas.
- Eres más peligroso que una Ambulancia de la Cruz Roja.
- Eres más peligroso que una resaca de Chuck Norris.
- Eres más pequeño que el Walkman de David el Nomo.
- Eres más pesada que una vaca en brazos.
- Eres más pesado que el Pavarotti vestido de buzo.
- Eres más pesado que el cuñado de Rocky.
- Eres más pesado que la mochila de Orzowei.
- Eres más pesado que la obra completa de Sánchez-Dragó.
- Eres más pesado que las memorias de Petete.
- Eres más pesado que un collar de melones.
- Eres más pesado que un discurso de Fidel Castro.
- Eres más pesado que un kilo de paja en un sombrero.
- Eres más pesao que el butanero de Hitler.
- Eres más pesao que la Caballé a cuestas.
- Eres más picante que un batido de guindillas.
- Eres más pijo que el Snoopy de Enrique Iglesias.
- Eres más plana que un tablero de planchar.
- Eres más polémico que el fichaje de Karambeu.
- Eres más polémico que el tratado de Mastrich.
- Eres más preocupante que una visita de Jessica Flecher en Navidad.
- Eres más qisquilloso que el chofer de Ferrero Roche (Ambrosio).
- Eres más rapido que el cartero del correcaminos.
- Eres más raro que el final de Twin Peaks.
- Eres más raro que un torero con bigote.
- Eres más raro que unas bragas con tirantes.
- Eres más rastrero que una cucaracha bailando el Limbo-Rock.
- Eres más rebuscado que la letra pequeña de una póliza de seguros.
- Eres más retorcido que la abuela de Buñuel.
- Eres más retorcido que la mascota Cobi con artritis.
- Eres más rumboso que la bateria de un tartamudo.
- Eres más rápido que Forrest Gump en los San Fermines.
- Eres más rápido que imediatamente.
- Eres más rápido que un torpedo en el agua.
- Eres más sano que los pensamientos de Heidi.
- Eres más simple que el mecanismo de un Chupete.
- Eres más simple que un escaparate de Simago.
- Eres más sofisticado que un canapé de Whiskas.
- Eres más soso que un yogourt de agua.
- Eres más sospechoso que la relación de Batman y Robin.
- Eres más sospechoso que un gitano haciendo footing.
- Eres más sufrido que Imperioso que soporta el peso de Gil y Gil.
- Eres más temerario que la manicura de Freddy Krugger.
- Eres más tonto que Butifarras Gump de Logroño.
- Eres más tonto que Espinete, que se pone el pijama para irse a dormir y luego sale a la calle desnudo.
- Eres más tonto que Snoopy que duerme encima la caseta.
- Eres más tonto que el del turrón "El Almendro", que hace la mili todos los años.
- Eres más tonto que el estilo de vida de los Action Man.
- Eres más tonto que un mosquito lobotomizado.
- Eres más torpedo que la Hormiga Atómica buscando una pelusa en la calva de Kojak.
- Eres más torpedo que los fistros que lanzan los submarinos.
- Eres más triste que Naranjito en una licuadora.
- Eres más vago que papa noe, que curra un dia al año y encima es mentira.
- Eres más verde que la sopa de las Tortugas Ninja.
- Eres más viejo que la corbata de Pedro Picapiedra.
- Eres más violento que un luchador del Mortal Kombat.
- Eres tan guapa, que cuando vas a ligar, vas a la oficina central de la O.N.C.E.
- Eres tan romántico como un bocadillo de calamares.
- Eres tan tonto que irías a una discoteca con walkmans.
- Eres un agente más secreto que la edad de la Pantoja.
- Es menos erótico que la música de Psicosis.
- Es menos interesante que el intermedio de la carta de ajuste.
- Es menos sensible que el fistro de Robocop.
- Es más agradable que el PSOE haciendo amnistias fiscales.
- Es más breve que la noche de bodas de Heidi.
- Es más caro que la muela de oro de Mazinger Z.
- Es más charlatán que el sobaco de Fermín Cacho después de los 1500.
- Es más completo que el neceser de McGiver.
- Es más desagradable que el lavado de estómago de Tiburon II.
- Es más dificil que ver a un repartidor de TelePizza en un semáforo.
- Es más difícil que quitarle la pelota a Oliver y Benji.
- Es más divertido que jugar al escondite con Stevie Wonder.
- Es más entretenido que contar los tics de Pujol jugando al mus.
- Es más exagerado que la tasa de natalidad de "con 8 basta".
- Es más excitante que una sobredosis de cine porno.
- Es más feo que cobrar las bolsas en el supermercado.
- Es más feo que pegar al padre con un calcetín sudao y pedirle la paga.
- Es más gallego que una empanada de paraguas.
- Es más grande que la ceja de Induráin.
- Es más grande que un caramelo de 5000 pesetas.
- Es más largo que el render de Toy Story.
- Es más largo que la infancia de Heidi.
- Es más limpia que la carta a los reyes de Mr Propper.
- Es más listo que Roldán haciendo la declaración de la renta.
- Es más peligroso que un biberón con la leche cortada.
- Es más peligroso que un tiroteo en un ascensor.
- Es más pesado que María Teresa Campos haciendo un telediario.
- Es más pesado que escuchar un recopilatorio de los Pecos en japonés.
- Es más pesado que la carrocería del Batmovil.
- Es más prospero que Bandai con los Power Rangers.
- Es más soso que un yogur de agua.
- Es más subrealista que hacerle la manicura a un Petit Suisse.
- Es más tonto que ir al ParismenosDakar en Vespino.
09 January, 2011
Christmas Jokes
| What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. ! |
| Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles ! |
| What's Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia ! |
| What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I'll never part with it ! |
| Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them ! |
| What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple ! |
| What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes ! |
| What did the big candle say to the little candle ? I'm going out tonight ! |
| Whats happens to you at Christmas ? Yule be happy ! |
| How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick ! |
04 September, 2010
100 Rules of Anime
The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural
phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original
intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that
explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope
that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good
chuckle.
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
* Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit
the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out
affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. *NOTE: Sometimes, Anime
heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg
and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they
don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color
(usually red or white).
#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3
different angles.
#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to
human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,
sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly
referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because
of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the
Law of Inherent Combustibility.
#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any
object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also
known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of
course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form
of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the
"Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a
drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and
several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle
of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will
hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds,
the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a
single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is
in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,
which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving,
firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex
martial arts maneuvers.
*Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he
will hit.
#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The
Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs
to get out more.)
#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,
sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at
least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. *Also, acid has been known to work
just as well...
#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped
and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a
song.
First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes
up against an entire army, the army always loses.
#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...
#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little
things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
twice as annoying.
#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,
either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".
First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line
Effect)
Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators are the American editors and censors.
*Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome
"Good Guys".
#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly
proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female.
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of
destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and
used as a last resort.
#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate
a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of
martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing
aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are
hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is
considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or
explanation.
#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and
can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical
abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s
hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable
guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of
whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive
amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes,
then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the
Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to
extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer
invulnerable to any form of damage.
*Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is
indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows,
or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice
attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of
Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)
#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,
playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"
things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so
on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.
#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic
positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation
#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an
extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from
which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious
dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a
heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released
at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in
the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are
actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is
because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the
back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat
gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the
less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real
world...
#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get
erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current
theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see
Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush
along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal
swords, if not sharper.
#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it
done in half the time and twice the angst.
#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.
#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a
martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).
#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the
transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to
interrupt it.
#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy
mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
*#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or
spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind
the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
*#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,
your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,
wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)
to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and
letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
*#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as
the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will
help him to cope in today’s society. (>Sniff Sniff<>
*#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY
small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
*#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and
the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack
are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
Phenomenon")
*52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or
perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.
+#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
+#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,
etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying
pan or something.
+#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power
weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
+#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome
which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use
it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military
device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just
"fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
+#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
+#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me
look.
A negative charge will result in the
hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.
+#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate
when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7
for speaker pods)
+#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.
(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto [OVA] have a seemingly endless supply of willing
girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot
couldn’t get a date despite [or because of] their constant attempts.)
+#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single
drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
+#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
+#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
few... of even the one.
+#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall
to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.
*(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
+#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can
sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the
guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. *(see law #49)
+#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater
than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse
coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least
500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to
normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also
inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all
actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.
of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a
mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing
this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
+#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be
increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does
not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads
to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will *always* be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
+#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which
clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at
will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and
lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or
disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not
always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of
Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
+#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding
increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in
Ambient Dramatic Tension.
+#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly
and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often
referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain
activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in
slow motion.
+#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of
Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. *(see Laws # 37, 49, and
65)
+#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
+#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the
edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly
past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
+#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws [e.g., slowdown and
exposition]),
Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a
position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.
+#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
+#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around
him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
+#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. *(see Laws 32 & 48)
+#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
capable of dealing with it.
*#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just
doesn’t work in real life...
*#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is
male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain
is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole
(horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.
*#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
you’re normally a klutz.
*#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a
Hentai anime is to start having sex.
*#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the
hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he
is wrong and will invariably be toastied.
*#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!
*#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see
Laws #67, 69, and 84)
*#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won
against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toastied.
*#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
*#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have
the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water,
rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling
themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.
*#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large
penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the
size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...
*#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following
characteristics:
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.
*#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and
up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive
vagina.
*#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance
while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them
introducing themselves.
*#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a
Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the
male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by
a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,
real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal
that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.
*#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability
that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like
bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though
they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
*#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any
human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime
girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is,
but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the
skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never
experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also
known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human
relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
*#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage
begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it
from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko
Thing")
*#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being
immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
*#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
6) Homophobicness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
*#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said
character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At
least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...
*#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.
01 September, 2010
25 August, 2010
Top 20 Insults and Sarcastic Phrases for Use at Work and the Office.
1. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
4. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
5. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
6. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
7. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
9. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
10. How about never? Is never good for you?
11. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
12. You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
13. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
14. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
15. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
16. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
17. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
18. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
19. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
20. Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
4. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
5. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
6. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
7. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
9. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
10. How about never? Is never good for you?
11. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
12. You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
13. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
14. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
15. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
16. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
17. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
18. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
19. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
20. Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
04 August, 2010
Manatee
If I were a manatee,
I would swim in the shallow green sea,
I'd feed, and feed, and feed, and feed,
And feed and feed on the nice sea weed.
When i come up from
'round the horn
i found a gal
what makes me beam
she holds me
in her supple flippers
darlin' lady
of my dreams!
Manatee! Sweet Manatee!
Your moustache bristles
tickle me
in places no one ever sees
my soft and loving manatee!
I found her bobbin'
in the surf
her briny smile
enchantin' me
we hauled her up
and gave her lovin'
a boyant lass
you would agree!
Manatee! Sweet Manatee!
My buxom bovine
from the sea
Oh, won't you come and
marry me?
My warm and flaccid
Manateee!
I would swim in the shallow green sea,
I'd feed, and feed, and feed, and feed,
And feed and feed on the nice sea weed.
When i come up from
'round the horn
i found a gal
what makes me beam
she holds me
in her supple flippers
darlin' lady
of my dreams!
Manatee! Sweet Manatee!
Your moustache bristles
tickle me
in places no one ever sees
my soft and loving manatee!
I found her bobbin'
in the surf
her briny smile
enchantin' me
we hauled her up
and gave her lovin'
a boyant lass
you would agree!
Manatee! Sweet Manatee!
My buxom bovine
from the sea
Oh, won't you come and
marry me?
My warm and flaccid
Manateee!
12 May, 2010
The Real GENESIS
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said," Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And Satan created the Greasy Spoons. And the Greasy Spoons brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Give me the Supersize." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth rich delicious ice cream. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man
went into cardiac arrest....And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
08 April, 2010
The Chicken Song
It's the time of year
Now that Spring is in the air
When those two wet gits with their girly curly hair
Make another song for moronic holidays
That nauseate-ate-ate
In a million different ways
From the shores of Spain
To the coast of Southern France
No matter where you hide
You just can't escape this dance
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes
Paint your left knee green
Then extract your wisdom teeth
Form a string quartet
And pretend your name is Keith
Skin yourself alive
Learn to speak Arapahoe
Climb inside a dog
And behead an eskimo
Eat a Renault Four with salami in your ears
Casserole your gran
Disembowel yourself with spears
The disco is vibrating
The sound is loud and grating
Its truly nauseating
Let's do the dance again
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Yes you'll hear this song in the holiday discos
And there's no escape in the clubs or in the bars
You would hear this song if you holidayed in Mars
Skin yourself alive
Learn to speak Arapahoe
Climb inside a dog
And behead an eskimo
Now you've heard it once
Your brain will spring a leak
And though you hate this song
You'll be humming it for weeks
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes
La la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la la laaaaaaa
Now that Spring is in the air
When those two wet gits with their girly curly hair
Make another song for moronic holidays
That nauseate-ate-ate
In a million different ways
From the shores of Spain
To the coast of Southern France
No matter where you hide
You just can't escape this dance
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes
Paint your left knee green
Then extract your wisdom teeth
Form a string quartet
And pretend your name is Keith
Skin yourself alive
Learn to speak Arapahoe
Climb inside a dog
And behead an eskimo
Eat a Renault Four with salami in your ears
Casserole your gran
Disembowel yourself with spears
The disco is vibrating
The sound is loud and grating
Its truly nauseating
Let's do the dance again
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Yes you'll hear this song in the holiday discos
And there's no escape in the clubs or in the bars
You would hear this song if you holidayed in Mars
Skin yourself alive
Learn to speak Arapahoe
Climb inside a dog
And behead an eskimo
Now you've heard it once
Your brain will spring a leak
And though you hate this song
You'll be humming it for weeks
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes
La la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la la laaaaaaa
23 March, 2010
The Lady of Shalott by Alfred Tennyson
Part I
On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro’ the field the road runs by
To many-tower’d Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.
Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Thro’ the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.
By the margin, willow-veil’d,
Slide the heavy barges trail’d
By slow horses; and unhail’d
The shallop flitteth silken-sail’d
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?
Only reapers, reaping early
In among the beared barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to tower’d Camelot:
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, “’Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott.”
Part II
There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care heat she,
The Lady of Shalott.
And moving thro’ a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot.
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village-churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls,
Pass onward from Shalott.
Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbott on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-hair’d page in crimson clad,
Goes by to tower’d Camelot;
And sometimes thro’ the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.
But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror’s magic sights,
For often thro’ the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot:
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed;
“I am half sick of shadows,” said
The Lady of Shalott.
Part III
A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro’ the leaves
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel’d
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.
The gemmy bridle glitter’d free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon’d baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armour rung,
Beside remote Shalott.
All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell’d shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn’d like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro’ the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over still Shalott.
His broad clear brow in sunlight glow’d;
On burnish’d hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow’d
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash’d into the crystal mirror,
“Tirra lirra,” by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.
She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces thro’ the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look’d down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack’d from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.
Part IV
In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower’d Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.
And down the river’s dim expanse—
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance—
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.
Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right—
The leaves upon her falling light—
Thro’ the noises of the night
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.
Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn’d to tower’d Camelot.
For ere she reach’d upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.
Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.
Who is this? and what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they cross’d themselves for fear,
All the knights at Camelot:
But Lancelot mused a little space;
He said, “She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.”
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