LOLcatus says...

Address To A Haggis by Robert Burns

Address To A Haggis

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn,
they stretch an' strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve,
Are bent lyke drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
"Bethankit!" 'hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him ower his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bloody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll mak it whissle;
An' legs an' arms, an' heads will sned,
Like taps o' thrissle.

Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Gie her a haggis!

The Translation

Fair is your honest happy face
Great chieftain of the pudding race
Above them all you take your place
Stomach, tripe or guts
Well are you worthy of a grace
As long as my arm

The groaning platter there you fill
Your buttocks like a distant hill
Your skewer would help to repair a mill
In time of need
While through your pores the juices emerge
Like amber beads

His knife having seen hard labour wipes
And cuts you up with great skill
Digging into your gushing insides bright
Like any ditch
And then oh what a glorious sight
Warm steaming, rich

Then spoon for spoon
They stretch and strive
Devil take the last man, on they drive
Until all their well swollen bellies
Are bent like drums
Then, the old gent most likely to rift (burp)
Be thanked, mumbles

Is there that over his French Ragout
Or olio that would sicken a pig
Or fricassee would make her vomit
With perfect disgust
Looks down with a sneering scornful opinion
On such a dinner

Poor devil, see him over his trash
As week as a withered rush (reed)
His spindle-shank a good whiplash
His clenched fist.the size of a nut.
Through a bloody flood and battle field to dash
Oh how unfit

But take note of the strong haggis fed Scot
The trembling earth resounds his tread
Clasped in his large fist a blade
He'll make it whistle
And legs and arms and heads he will cut off
Like the tops of thistles

You powers who make mankind your care
And dish them out their meals
Old Scotland wants no watery food
That splashes in dishes
But if you wish her grateful prayer
Give her a haggis!

And here's in mp3 format for you to listen to:

http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/central_mp3/poems/address-to-haggis-poem.mp3

Cuarentones

P ARA L@S QUE NOS VAMOS ACERCANDO, PARA L@S QUE YA ESTÁN EN LOS 50, Y PARA L@S QUE LOS HAN PASADO, PERO AÚN ESTÁN 'ESTUPEND@S'..
Ventajas de llegar al medio siglo.
1.- Te importa un huevo el currículum.
2.- Si eres parte de un grupo de rehenes, serás de los primeros en ser liberado.
3.- Nadie pide que vayas a rescatar personas de un edificio en llamas.
4.- La gente ya no te considera hipocondríaco, ahora sí que estás enfermo.
5.-Ya no tienes nada que aprender para el largo y difícil camino de la vida.
6.- Tu inversión en medicina privada comienza a rendir frutos.
7.- Tus articulaciones pronostican el tiempo mejor que los meteorólogos.
8.- Tus secretos están seguros con tus amigos, ellos tampoco los recuerdan.
9.- Tu dotación de neuronas activas llegó, por fin, a una cantidad manejable.
10.- Puedes pasar sin sexo...,¡¡pero no sin tus gafas!!
11.- Si haces una fiesta, tus vecinos ni se enteran.
12.- La ropa que te compras, ya no pasa de moda..
13.- Los pecados capitales han cambiado, como la 'lujuria' por la 'gula'.
14.- En breve, no recordarás quién te mandó este mail, pero tampoco te importa.
Como verás, te lo he escrito con letra bien grande...

¡¡Yo tampoco veo un pijo!!

Hidamari Sketch OpeningS

Immortal Indiana Jones

Stuffed Cat

The World Warrior

The Secrets Behind Japanese Food

The Cake is NOT a Lie

Braveheart Bits

Ach noo, the battle scenes were na’ all that bad. In fact, some of them were downright realistic. Part of that, may be due to the fact that many of the extras were members of the F.C.A. Irish army reserve. And since they were drawn from different companies, the “inside” rivalries in the ranks led to them putting their all into the fights, often with more enthusiasm than strictly required.

The movie even raised the ire of the S.P.C.A. who investigated director Mel Gibson, because they did not believe the highly realistic horseback scenes were faked. Only when they were shown videotapes of how the scenes were done, did they back down.

The horses were mechanical creations weighing 200 lbs. apiece. They ran up to 30mph on 20’ tracks, fueled by nitrogen cylinders.

The movie did “fall short” on a couple of things, though. For one, the original William Wallace was a bra’ lad all of 6’6”, who wielded a sword that was 5’7”. Since Mel Gibson is only 5’11”, his sword had to be reduced, proportionately.

And the face paint? Blue body paint for battle, had been out of use for some 800 years, since the end of the Roman era. But it looked so gosh darn good on film!

Magic Song

He he! Ha ho!
To the workshop he will go!

My Uncle's candy is so sweet! It's such a yummy winter's treat!
When the sugar is warmed by the pale hearth light
The happiness spreads throughout the night!

He he! Ha ho!
To the workshop he will go!

Uncle Sweetshare is coming near
To spread his candy and his cheer!
It's better than trinkets, games or toys
So say all the little girls and boys!

He he! Ha ho!
To the workshop he will go!

Candy, candy -- he makes so much!
Uncle Sweetshare has a magic touch!
So it's back to the workshop in the snow!
With lovely lanterns all aglow!

He he! Ha ho! He he he ha ha ho!

Ethnic jokes with Japanese people

Japanese mugger What does a Japanese mugger say? "Give me all your money or I'll kill myself!" Kamikaze Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilot fly back to the base? He forgot his helmet. Two men and a woman on a deserted island On a tropical island : On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two American men and one American woman Two Australian men and one Australian woman Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman One month later the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. The two American men are talking about football, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but hey, at least the taxes are low and it's not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting further instructions. The two Australian men beat each into a bloody mess for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both wankers'. Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but at least the English are not getting any. Three samurai and a fly Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"

A ver quien es más cabezón...

Un madrileño en Barcelona entra en un bar y pide una caña en castellano.
El camarero se la pone y le dice:
- Són nouranta-cinc cèntims
El madrileño deja sobre la barra noventa céntimos y sigue tomándose la caña tranquilamente. A lo que el camarero le dice:
- Escolti falten cinc cèntims
Y el madrileño ni puto caso, como quien oye llover. A lo que el camarero ya rebotado le suelta:
- Escolti que hem deu cinc cèntims; M'està escoltant perfectament.
Y el madrileño a lo suyo, tomándose la birrita, como si estuviese sólo en el local. Por fin el camarero, rojo de ira, y escupiendo las palabras dice:
- Oiga desgraciado. Me está oyendo y entendiendo perfectamente, págueme los cinco céntimos que me debe.
A lo que el madrileño sonriendo y echando mano al bolsillo para pagarle contesta:
- Ya sabía yo que por cinco céntimos acababas hablando castellano....

Political Bumper Stickers for 2008

1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush, Like a Rock - Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Who's God Do You Kill For?

14. Jail to the Chief

15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?

16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap

17. Bad President! No Banana.

18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

20. Is It Vietnam Yet?

21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?

23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

24. Dub ya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

26. Pray For Impeachment

27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

29. One Nation Under Clod

30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified

31. Bush Never Exhaled

32. At Least Nixon Resigned

Cows & Politics Explained

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.