24 November, 2006

Weird american laws

In Ohio the following laws exist:

# if you ignore an orator on Decoration Day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speakers stand, you can be fined $25.

# it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

# it is illegal to hunt for whales on Sunday. (Surely it's illegal to hunt whales full stop?)

In Alaska, the following laws apply to moose:

# a moose may not be viewed from an aeroplane.

# it is illegal to give alcoholic beverages to a moose.

# it is an offence to push a live moose out of a moving aeroplane.

In Texas the following laws apply:

# it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer whilst standing.

# the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica is also banned, as it contains a formula for making beer at home.

# a new anti crime law has been introduced, requiring criminals to give their intended victims 24 hour notice, either orally or in writing to explain the nature of the crime.

In Pennsylvania the following laws apply:

# Because of the farmers Anti-automobile society, these are some of the rules of the road:

# Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up an rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.

# If a driver sees a team of horses, they are to pull to the side of the road, and cover their machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery.

# In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner of the car must take their car apart and conceal the parts in nearby foliage.

In Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

In Jasper, Alabama, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

In Arizone it is illegal for donkeys to sleep in bathtubs.

Also from Arizona, if a person is caught stealing soap, they must wash themselves until it is all used up.

In California, it is illegal to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

In L.A., it is an offence to lick a toad. Apparently, this is because people were getting high off them! (How!??)

In New England, fire engines are not allowed to exceed 25mph - strangely, this includes the journey to the fire!

In Devon (yes there is a place called Devon in the US), it is illegal to walk backwards after sunset.

In Hartford, it is considered an offense to cross the road on your hands.

In Cleveland it is illegal to drive whilst sitting on another persons lap.

In New Jersey you can be arrested for slurping soup in public.

Zoin city, Illinois, has a law that states that you cannot make faces at anyone.

A Kentucky law states that burglary can only be committed at night.

Fishing from the back of any animal is illegal in Idaho.

In Sheridan, Wyoming, a policeman can bite a barking dog, in order to quiet him.

Citizens in New York may not greet each other by putting ones thumb to the nose and wriggling the fingers.

When you pass a cow in Pine Island, Minnesota it is illegal not to tip your hat.

Georgia has a law prohibiting people from saying ‘oh boy’ in public.

In Atlanta its illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or lamppost.

In Hawaii it is illegal to insert pennies into your ear.

It is illegal in Idaho for a man to give his sweetheart a box of chocolates that weighs less than 50 pounds.

Women in Joliet, Illinois, can be arrested for trying on more than six dresses in one store.

In Chicago it is illegal to eat in an establishment that is on fire.

In Winnetka, Illinois, theatre managers can kick out any patron who has ‘odorous feet’.

In Lawrence, Kansas, it is forbidden for anyone to carry bees in their hat, whilst on the city streets.

In McLough, Kansas, it is against the law to wash your false teeth in a public drinking fountain.

In Natoma, Kansas, it is illegal to practise knife throwing at men wearing striped suits.

In Lexington, Kentucky, it is against the law to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.

In Owensboro, Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to buy a new hat without her husband trying it on first.

In Canton, Mississippi, it is illegal to kill a squirrel with a gun whilst in a courtroom.

Any city in Missouri can levy a tax to support a band, as long as the mayor plays piccolo and each band member can eat peas with a knife.

In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards down a street, whilst a concert is on.

In North Carolina it is illegal to use elephants to plough cotton fields.

It’s illegal in Oklahoma to get a fish drunk.

In Seattle, goldfish can ride the city buses in bowls, but only if they keep still.

It is illegal in Maine to step out of a plane, whilst it is in flight.

In Florida, you can be fined to fall asleep under a hair dryer, and so can the salon owner.

Also in Florida, if an elephant is left tied to an parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid, just as it would be for a vehicle.

Again in Florida, it is illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine.

In New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

In Minnesota, you may not cross state lines with a duck on top of your head.

In Carmel, New York, it is illegal for a man to go outside if his jacket and trousers do not match.

In Baltimore, it is illegal to throw bales of hay out of a second storey window, within the city limits.

Also in Baltimore, it is illegal to take a lion to the movies.

The state of Washington has passed a law stating that it is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

In Conneticut, for a pickle to be officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

In Bexley, Ohio, it is prohibited to install or use slot machines in outhouses.

In Harthahorne city, Oklahoma, it is unlawful to put any hypnotised person I an display window.

In Clawson, Michigan, there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his animals.

In Gary, Indiana, persons are prohibited from attending a movie theatre or riding an street car within four hours of eating garlic.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500ft of a pub, school or place of worship.

In Kentucky, no female is allowed to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is escorted by at least two police officers, or armed with a club.

In Russel, Kansas, it is against the law to have an musical car horn.

It is illegal to hum in public on Sundays in Cicero, Illinois.

In Clinton county, Ohio, there is a fine for anyone caught leaning against an public building.

In Kenosha , Wisconsin it is illegal to have an erection in public. Even if you have clothes on.

In Kansas it is illegal to swim with a polka dotted bathing suit before 12:00 noon.

23 November, 2006

Piss off

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."

The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."

20 November, 2006

Medical Record Blunders

1.

The skin was moist and dry.
2.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
3.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
4.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
5.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
6.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
7.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
8.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
9.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
10.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
11.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
12.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
13.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)
14.

She is numb from her toes down.
15.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)
16.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)
18.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
20.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
21.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.
22.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
23.

We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.
24.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
25.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
26.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
27.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
28.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
29.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
30.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
31.

The patient refused an autopsy.
32.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
33.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
34.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
35.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
36.

The patient had a rash over his truck.
37.

Dictation blunder: lasar radar response (as opposed to vagovagal response).

19 November, 2006

Halloween Jokes

>Take One<
Do undertakers enjoy their job? — Of corpse!
How does a werewolf sign his letters? — Best vicious!
What did one ghost say to the other ghost? — “Do you believe in people?”
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? — No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? — They’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Did you hear why the cannibal was expelled from school? — He was caught buttering up his teacher.
>Take Two<
When Pepsi Cola translated their ad campaign for Taiwan, the slogan was supposed to read “Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation.” However, translated into Chinese it read, “Pepsi Will Bring Your Ancestors Back From the Dead.”
>Take Three<
Two men walking home decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. They were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise and found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Yikes, Mister!” one of them shouted after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
>Take Four<
Willie fell down the elevator.
Wasn’t found till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, “Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is.”
>Take Five<
Alfred Hitchcock admitted, “I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me. That white round thing without any holes — have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it.”
He is also reported to have explained, “These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.”
>Take Six<
If receiving this newsletter is as welcome as inviting Dustin Dubrie into your home, click here to cancel.
On the other hand, if you spied this newsletter on Laura Norder, (or any long-running television series), and you wish to subscribe, click here.
(Dustin Dubrie, Laura Norder, pronounce them aloud.)
>Take Seven<
“If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

14 November, 2006

All I want for xmas are my two front teeth~

As in, veneers. Badly needed. But I couldn't ask that from you. I'm asking my insurance company for that, instead.

What I want for Christmas (and I'm only writing this here so I remember and buy it for myself later), are the following:

  1. A scanner.
  2. A webcam.
  3. A Nintendo DS with tetris. Because even I can't resist playing games.
  4. Still need nose studs and ear studs.
  5. Lots of chocolates, preferably Ferrero Rocher.
  6. Black skinny jeans, because it's easier to wear boots when the pants aren't hemmed so wide.
  7. These were my old pairs, and I'm gonna get the same kind again. Yes, it was for boys, because the ladies version didn't come in High-Cut. Size 7.5 My feet are pretty big for my height.
Again, I will probably most likely buy these for myself over the next few months, as I slowly save money and spend money. Till then, I will dream of more chocolates and skinny jeans.

09 November, 2006

Cosas de Coches

Resulta k llego el otro día a una terraza de un bar en mi pueblo(Griñón) con el A6, mi mujer y yo. Aparco justo enfrente de las mesas y sillas y al lado de un pedazo de mercedes 600 SEL V12 con matricula m....nm o sea que si no me equivoco es del 1992 mas o menos. Bueno a lo que vamos, nos sentamos junto enfrente de los dos coches y creo que el dueño era un cincuentón que estaba tomando algo con su mujer a nuestro lado. En esto llega un 206 "ultrastreetrayotunnig" en un color inexplicable y todo reluciente y lo típico con las ventanillas bajadas y la música a tope y pegando acelerones para que se oyeran sus maxmegatubarros". Va el tío y aparca en doble fila detrás (en gran parte) del mercedacos y del mío. Se bajan dos pimpines con los pelos despeinados hacia arriba y engominaos hasta el culo, se quedan mirando el Mercedes y mi A6 y se sientan en la mesa de al lado con otros tres colegas que ya estaban en la terraza. A la que venían a sentarse el hombre del Mercedes le dice educadamente al chico que le quite el coche que va a salir. El neng le dice que si que ahora mismo y entre risas con sus amigos comenta por lo bajini que una mierda, que mucho coche pero que le va ha tocar esperar un ratito. Mientras el se regocija con sus amiguitos los cuales también se partían el culo, el cincuentón del Mercedes con el coche ya un rato encendido le toca el claxon y le dice que haga el favor de quitárselo y el niñato le dice "que te esperes hombreeee, tanta prisa y tanta polla", palabras textuales. Y el crío sigue bebiéndose su caña con los amigos de fondo partiéndose el culo. Ahora viene lo bueno. El tío del mercedes mete marcha atrás y acelera a tope con sus 408 CV que tiene el bicho (si no me equivoco) y le mete al del 206 un estacazo del copón y le empotra toda la puerta del copiloto para dentro medio metro por lo menos. Yo y todos los de allí nos quedamos así, empotrados, menos el crío del 206 que se quedo blanco. Se abalanzan sobre el viejo todos los chavales y tres o cuatro tíos que estábamos allí les paramos los pies, el dueño del 206 le empieza a gritar al del mercedes que si esta loco que si tal.... El cincuentón se baja tranquilamente (la mujer ni se menea, se queda sentadita) y le suelta al chaval que creía que ya se lo había quitado y que no había visto el coche y le dice para mi la frase del siglo. Al loro: "MIRA HIJO PARA SER CHULO EN ESTA VIDA HAY QUE TENER COJONES Y DINERO y ahora saca los papeles que hacemos el parte y no te preocupes que la culpa la he tenido yo pero tu coche se va ha quedar un mesecito en el taller, un poco mas de lo que tu me has hecho esperar a mi". Im-presionante, la gente hasta aplaudía, el niñato no sabia donde meterse y creo que no va ha olvidar esa frase en su vida, je, je fue para verlo, casi le pido un autógrafo al del mercedes, mi héroe y hasta a la mujer, que ni siquiera hizo gesto de preocupación. A todo esto decir que el mercedes ni siquiera se abolló, unos rasguños de la inexplicable pintura del otro y ya está, vamos ni comparación con lo que le hizo al 206.

06 November, 2006

Men, food, and winter gloves

I was starting to write notes for my first manga blog review of Paradise Kiss (which is a shoujo, and oddly enough, my favourite thus far) when a member of the opposite sex approached me and claimed I was "fun on a bun." (Don't ask me the context of this conversation- it wasn't dirty, it just was). This got me riled up. Men and food... it is something I will never understand! Never! It pisses me off so much! My boyfriend, the great lover of food that he is, stayed up the whole fucking night with me once, and the whole time we could've been having steamy phone sex, we spent it talking about food, different kinds of food, how to serve this kind of food, where to get it, how hard it is to find the ingredients... shit, I could do go on forever! We talked for 4 fucking hours about food!!! After that, he had to leave to get something to eat... something about talking about food makes him hungry. *sighs*

What is it about food that make the male species abandon their libido? Everytime he starts to talk about food, I want to shove something long, hard and coarse up his ass. To be fair though, food on your partner while they're naked is hot. Yummy. However, just straight talk about food and so on, is worse than taking World Religions with my History teacher (I barely passed it). I think if he had to REALLY choose, it'd be the stupid ("It's not stupid! It's HAM! Black forest ham!") sandwich over me. *mumbles*

And now how does winter gloves tie into this? Well, it doesn't. I just hate gloves. You can't do ANYTHING when you have them on. You can't button/zip up your coat, you can't get out your keys, you can't FEEL anything, so you don't realize if you've dropped your keys out of your pocket or anything like that. I'm especially paranoid of losing things, since I have in the past and don't intend on losing things so easily anymore. I especially hate how POINTLESS they are. They DON'T keep me warm at all. You see, one day on my way to work, it was raining and VERY windy. I had sworn to myself I would buy gloves so my fingers would have to never experience that again while holding an umbrella on a windy, rainy day. They were black, very cute, with a faux-fur trim on the edges and real leather and they cost me $20.52 (so much for a store discount!). I wore it on a cold night and when I went home, my fingers were barely alive. I hate gloves more than ever now.

04 November, 2006

Introduction to sexyness:

*bows* Heya! The name's Afroza and I've decided to make my first post an intro to me. Originally from and born in Bangladesh, I came to Canada when I was only seven years old! According to Edu-kun, I was a very cute little seven year old. I came here for an operation on my cleft palette that they couldn't perform in my native country. Before I came to Canada, I used to live on my grandparent's (from my mother's side) farm with my mom and younger brother. I had a baby chick as a pet. :P

When I came to Canada, I was so hated! I still remember how rude my classmates were from day 1. :P Emotional scars take a very long time to heal. However, by the end of Grade 6 we were all good, or at least my classmates thought so. I'm still plotting a revenger scheme for all of the harassment I endured, bwahahahaha!

Anyways, NOW I'm 18 years old and currently attend both High School and take a half-credit course at a local university (YorkU ftw!). Um my aspirations are to teach graphic design at high school level. I don't have any obsessions, nothing that I am absolutely fanatic about. But if it had to be one thing, I cannot live without music. I don't study music religiously and I don't play instruments, but I do enjoy it very much and it is a very important part of my life. I'm always listening to music, and if I don't, I'll go insane. Um what else? I enjoy reading manga very much and try to collect hard-cover volumes as much as often, but this is an expensive hobby. Prior to end of October, I had manga that cost me $1,000 to collect. I sold some to my librarian at my school, though.

Um, I think that's a good enough introduction! Were you expecting something sexier?

25 October, 2006

Man shoots himself in the head

Actually the title should be man shoots himself in the head while teaching gun safety to kid.

I first heard about this 1 month ago while in a Doctor's meeting (in a Western Australia hospital) where we view various radiological imaging. One of these shown was a computer reconstruction of a CT scan in 3D, showing a skull with a hole in it.

Basically the story goes that he demonstrating how to use a firearm to his child (with apparently a stolen fire arm which his son stole).

Now I don't know much about guns, but he apparently loaded the bullet in one of the chambers of the guns, in what he thought was the fourth chamber. He put the gun to his head and pressed the trigger. Nothing happened. He told his son that the bullet will discharged after he has pressed 3 more times, "but fortunately I know how to count".

On the second time, the bullet fired blowing a hole through his skull. Presumably the chambers spun the other way, so it was really the second chamber he had loaded up. He was rushed to hospital but eventually died in the Intensive Care Unit. On another note, the 3 D images of the skull was amazing.

Note : as far as I am aware this wasn't reported in the media. However this occurred at the hospital I work in, in Western Australia, Australia. To protect the patient's confidentiality I won't mention the name or any other details which could potentially identify him. As far as I know, I am providing you no more details that what is provided in medical journal case studies, so it should be ok. However if you want to know, I can tell you the name of the hospital I work in where this man was treated.

19 October, 2006

Vota sociata

Yo vengo con lancha / de Sierra Leona
España seguro / que no me abandona.
Yo quedo en tu casa / ministra Narbona
tengo hambre, apetece / bistec con patatas.
Tú dame papeles
Yo voto sociata

Yo vengo en un bote / desde Senegal
soy negro, soy joven / soy mu buen chaval.
En tu solución / habitacional
ministra Trujillo / yo no doy la lata.
Tú dame papeles
Yo voto sociata

Yo vengo de Gambia / oculto en bodega
en barco de mafia / que a España navega.
Yo voy a la casa / con la De la Vega
que vino bailando / Acunamatata.
Tú dame papeles
Yo voto sociata

Yo vengo por mar / de Burkina Faso
el África negra es chunga / yo paso
Y con Rubalcaba / no dormiré al raso
comida mu rica / vivienda mu grata.
Tú dame papeles
Yo voto sociata

Yo vengo en chalupa / desde Camerún
soy negro mu negro / igual que el betún.
Moratinos lucha / para bien común
me acoge en su casa / que de eso se trata.
Tú dame papeles
Yo voto sociata

Yo vengo en cayuco / soy negro de Congo
Soy hincha de Barça / soy guapo y bailongo.
Zapatero, amigo / di donde me pongo
tu casa me gusta / qué rico bocata
Tú dame papeles
Yo voto sociata.”


“Yo vengo de Togo / montado en patera
España me gusta / España es la pera.
Yo quedo en tu casa / ministro Caldera
qué grande, qué buena / bonita y barata.
Tú dame papeles
Yo voto sociata.

16 September, 2006

You Are a Pirate, from (shudder) Lazytown...

Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate!

Yar - har - fiddle-dee-dee, being a pirate is all right with me!
Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate!

You are a pirate! (Yay!)

We got us a map (a map!) to lead us to a hidden box,
Thats all locked up with locks (with locks!) and buried deep away.
We'll dig up the box (the box!), we know it's full of precious booty
Bust open the locks, and then we'll say "HOORAY!"

Yar - har - fiddle-dee-dee,
If you love to sail the sea, you are a pirate!

WEIGH ANCHOR!

Yah - har - fiddle-dee-dee, being a pirate is all right with me!
Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate!
Arr - yarr - ahoy and avast dinky-dink-dink - a - dinkadefast! *
Hang the black flag at the end of the mast! You are a pirate!

HA HA HA (Yay!)

We're sailing away (set sail!), adventure awaits on every shore!
We set sail and explore (ya-har!) and run and jump all day (Yay!)
We float on our boat (our boat!) until its time to drop the anchor,
Then hang up our coats (aye-aye!) until we sail again!

Yar - har - fiddle-dee-dee,
If you love to sail the sea you are a pirate!

LAND HO!

Yar - har - fiddle-dee-dee, being a pirate is alright with me!
Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate!
Yar har wind at your back lads, wherever you go!
Blue sky above the blue ocean below, you are a pirate!

HA HA HA!
You are a pirate!

* I'm sure this is something about drinking, though probably pretty tame given the source. Sounds kinda like "drink if you think and then drink if you fast" to me.

20 August, 2006

If men wrote advice columns

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

14 August, 2006

Grandes Frases de la humanidad, en este caso de Antonio Gassett

“Llega el momento de la publicidad, disfrutad del cine si podéis. Si no, también tenéis la música, la literatura o incluso la historia, a no ser que queráis ser presidente del Gobierno.”

“Servidor se confiesa seguidor de Philip K. Dick, quizás por ello me he convertido en un trastornado.”

“Jeunet es el director de ese engendro, película para algunos (estaban equivocados), ladrillo para otro (estábamos en lo cierto) que fue Amelie.”

“Ahora vamos con "El señor de los anillos", película basada en un famosísimo libro... que yo no me he leído. Sin embargo, les diré como anécdota, que algunos de mis amigos tienen, en una estantería totalmente vacía, junto con su foto de sus vacaciones en Calasparra, un ejemplar de “El señor de los anillos”.”

“...Lo mejor del festival de Venecia, mi acompañante, aunque por desgracia este enamorada de otro.”

“...Soy consciente que a la hora de emisión de mi programa solo puede ser visto por un puñado de poli toxicómanos insomnes.”

“Tan guapa actriz como mala la película que ha venido a promocionar.”

“Ben Affleck es a la buena interpretación lo que un pepinillo cocido a la alta cocina.”

“Se estrena estos días la película El último samurai, protagonizada por el ex-marido de Nicole Kidman, único dato destacable de este actor llamado Tom Cruise.”

“Para ir al cine con esta cartelera hay que tener coeficiente intelectual negativo.”

“Veamos el reportaje de Mar adentro que ha realizado mi compañero y amigo Alberto Bermejo, el único de todo el equipo al que le ha gustado la película.”

“Nunca se fíen de algo que sangra durante cuatro días y no se muere.”

“Y ahora, si nos perdonan, vamos a hablar de cine español.”

“Es incuestionable que Kill Bill es una virtuosa obra de dirección. Lo que es cuestionable es si es algo más.”

“Sé que aguantaran a estas altas horas de la noche el momento de publicidad ya que al regreso tenemos un especial del salón del cine erótico de Barcelona….”

“¿Qué seria de nosotros sin un país inteligente como es Francia?”

&lquot;Buenas noches a todos, pero antes de despedirnos, un consejo: no os droguéis, porque la ingesta de estas sustancias puede producir efectos indeseados. Un amigo mío se tomó el otro día cierta pastilla y creyó ver a George Bush leyendo un libro"

“Y llegamos a la pausa en este programa del que tan orgullosos nos sentimos. No así de algunas compañeras de la 7ª planta de Torrespaña que fuman saltándose la norma que tanto nos beneficia a todos.”

“Les deseo que pasen una buena semana, sea lo que sea lo que hayan decidido hacer, incluso si es de Nazareno auto flagelante.”

“Aprovechen la pausa para revisar su agenda de amigos, encontrarán que han malgastado su preciado tiempo y paciencia en conocer a un montón de ineptos, no se corten, cojan un boli y táchenlos.”

“Durante la pausa publicitaria, rezaré con la esperanza de que ninguno de sus hijos se haya presentado al casting de Operación Triunfo.”

“Nos vamos con la esperanza de que ninguno se deje llevar por los fanatismos religiosos, políticos o sexuales: los primeros por no llevar a nada, los segundos porque el objeto de deseo suele ser un idiota de renombre y los últimos por las continuas frustraciones.”

“Antes de despedirme, felicitar a todos los barcelonistas por el reciente titulo de liga conseguido por mi equipo. En esta vida hay pocas cosas tan grandes como el Barcelona.”

“Llego la pausa, evitar cambiar de canal en estos minutos no vaya a ser que os encontréis con esa mujer con ansias de fama, exhibiéndose en publico, justificando un frío asesinato.” (se refería a la mujer que ayudo a morir a Ramón Sampedro, reconociendo su responsabilidad en un programa de la tele)

“Llego la hora de la pausa... espero que puedan contener durante unos minutos los impulsos sexuales de vuestras parejas... si no puede ser, no puede ser... en cualquier caso volveremos después de la publicidad con el sector mas casto de la audiencia.”

“Vamos a una pausa publicitaria, que será tan corta como el sueldo del presentador.”

“Hasta el próximo programa. No sabemos ni qué día ni a qué hora nos pondrán, de modo que estén atentos.”

“Sed buenos, y si por lo que fuera no podéis, seguid siendo malos, la diferencia es mínima.”

“Quiero aprovechar, como amante de la Fórmula 1, para felicitar al corredor alemán Michael Schumacher por su triunfo en el Gran Premio de San Marino. Da gusto ver en lo más alto del podium a personas ni fatuas, ni engreídas, ni desagradecidas. Espero que continúe la racha.”

“Hola, buenas noches. Hoy les hablo desde Torrespaña en Madrid, más conocido como el pirulí, que con su forma fálica es un símbolo de la modernidad de esta ciudad. Como modernas también son las vidrieras de la Catedral de la Almudena y las pinturas del altar de un tal Kiko no sé qué. Por cierto, igual de horribles que algunas películas.”

“Cuando vuelvan de la publicidad me habré desnudado y me tiraré al mar (En Cannes)”. Evidentemente a la vuelta de la publicidad dio su explicación: "Era un patético intento por mantener la audiencia.....”

“La verdad es que hay días que no sé dónde refugiarme políticamente.”

“Ahora pueden ustedes hacer un montón de cosas aprovechando los interminables minutos de publicidad.”

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